Really need advice

[Anon123123]

Hey all,
I am in dire need of some advice.

I have been dating this girl for 2 years now. We met in university and became best friends instantly and we soon realized we really loved each other. The problem is she had a boyfriend at the time. We had actually been seeing each other while she was still dating this other guy...In the end she left him because she loved me that much and could see her life with me more than this other guy.

She has had some issues over leaving her other boyfriend like that as well as some possible manic depression problems. When things are good in the relationship...they are very good. But she can flip on a dime and things can get very bad. We've gone through very rough patches and have almost called it quits on several occasions, but we both can't stand the thought of being apart, because asides from being in a relationship...we are best friends.

Fast forward a few months back she was going through a really rough time. She wasn't sure I was the one. She wanted to go off to Europe and teach because she just finished her degree, and it has always been her life long dream and I still had a semester left. I eventually convinced her to stay and we ended up moving in together at the beginning of summer.

I just recently found out that she had cheated on me on a couple of occasions a few months back just as we were getting ready to move in. A guy at work had started flirting with her and they had some heated text conversations. He asked her if she wanted out hang out once, and she agreed as long as nothing would happen. Well low and behold he made a move on her and she didn't stop it. She stopped things just as they were getting really serious.

After this we move in together, I think everything is alright, that her resentment about not going to europe is over, etc. etc. She doesn't talk to the guy for a month and she see's him and he say's he missed her so she said he could stop by to hang out. Voila, the same thing happens again only more intense. She says that she did stop it again though. After this she tells the guy that this can never happen again and he tells her he just wants to be friends. I catch them going for a walk together about a month later and nothing did happen. This is when I got suspicious. So she immidiatley tells the guy they can never talk or text again. At this point i don't think anything has actually gone on between then except friendship, but the fact she was hiding it makes me very suspicious. Apparently a week later he texted her again and it got a bit heated again, and she cut him off for good.

This was all two months ago and I just found out. I did not know anything was going on this summer. We've shared some very memorable experiences. She's made me a part of her family, driven me across the province for surgery and taken care of me after, driven miles to see me, etc etc. She's been a good girlfriend other than what I've found out.

She revealed to me that she was very angry at herself for being in a relationship because I was keeping her from going to europe. I've also always been very untrusting because she left someone for me so who is to say it couldnt happen again. Because of this I was very controlling. Her being mad at herself and our relationship are the reasons she said she didnt stop this from happening. She didnt want to end things with me back then because we were both doing our graduating recitals together and she did not want to jeopardize our performances, etc. everything together.

What confuses me is what she has done to me and for me. She was offered jobs out of the city and she turned them all down so that we could live together and be together. She didnt go to europe so that she could be with me. She has agreed to basically support me while I am in my last semester of university. Other than this she has been a very good girlfriend. And I can kind of understand maybe why she did it. But it does not hurt any less.

She is devastated for what she has done to me and has agreed to seek counselling for her issues as well as ours. She says that she was very unsure of our relationship at the time but decided to stay in at because she wanted it to work. She says now that she would give up going to Europe completely if it meant me forgiving her and taking her back.

So i guess we could use the saying once a cheater always a cheater here and maybe its karma for how our relationship started. But she left her other boyfriend because she loved me and we still love eachother, and she did not leave anyone for me. It was a **** up she wanted to bury and forget.

The way I see it is, I knew with this relationship...something eventually had to give. It really sucks what happened, but the alternative would have been her leaving me and losing her forever. She says this summer has changed her and she is now more certain about us than ever. If she wasn't why would she be willing to essentially pay my rent, give up her dreams to be with me, do whatever it takes to make it work.

I think we both just really love eachother, but suck at being in a relationship together and are willing to try and make it work.

I am hurt and confused. What do. What do.

[perth]

first, she was wrong to cheat on you, it was not justified. i do however believe it was in reaction to feeling controlled and stifled by you in her not going to europe to teach as she'd long dreamed. i think you should encourage her to go. let's say you do get married, if she doesn't go this is the kind of thing she could regret forever and resent you down the road. if you don't want to be in a long distance relationship while she's over there, then you should go with her. it will be a fun adventure together.

as for the emotional blow ups, individual and couple counseling might help. there's also many self-help books you can use as individuals and also for couples. get help for yourself too, as sometimes it's easier to see the emotional problems of others but not your own. not saying that's the case here, but maybe it is, i don't know since i don't know either of you.

best of luck!

[michelle23]

She needs individual counselling and you both need couples counselling if your gonna stay together. I don't think shes worth all that hard work, money and effort though especially since you have only been together two years. The girl is damaged, she has issues and shes unstable and untrustworthy. I highly doubt she will change even if she wants to.

This is why affairs don't work. You will never trust each other because of the way you got together and people who have affairs are weak and they use that as away to escape from relationship conflict or as a way out. The are cowards, passive aggressive, fear confrontation, fear being alone, insecure, addictive personalities. You cant have a healthy relationship with someone like that. Plus this affair is ongoing. She is still in contact with him and I bet still lying to you.

You mentioned manic depressive. Is she bipolar? Is she on meds?

[TablesandChairs]

Why is she paying your rent?

[Anon123123]

She has cut all contact with the guy and had done so 2 months before I ever found out. I really just want answers. From my perspective something had to give eventually, and part of me is relieved it was this as opposed to us breaking up for good. We both love eachother dearly, and I was less hurt by what she did than confused at how she could do this. Yes she did it for me, but that was for love. This was so unlike her....she is always very family orientated and very kind.
So many mixed signals

[michelle23]

Your being a doormat. Your happy this happened because breaking up would be worse? That is insane! lol Id rather break up any day then be cheated on and lied to for months while my bf puts his own and my sexual health at risk and could possibly give me an STD. That is disgusting! Does it not bother you that she was out f**king him and then came home and f**ked you? Seriously!

I think you are still in shock and probably in denial. You need to snap out of it and realize the seriousness of what she has done. She has shattered all your trust and hurt you badly and your sitting there saying well it could have been worse. Snap out of it

[bcgirl]

You shoulda stayed far away from her when you knew she had a bf