in a relationship with a separated man - is patience the key?

[DrB]

Hi,

I am new to this forum and just after a bit of advice. I have been seeing a man now for 8 months who has recently separately (legal splitting of assets occurred 4 months ago) from his wife. They have 2 young children together and have 50/50 custody.

Generally, things have been going really well and I'm head over heals for this guy. I spend times with his kids (although they haven't been told we are together, the boys are 6 and 8). When I stay at his house I leave without them seeing me. All of this is perfectly fine by me, as I understand that a transition to a new partner will be huge for the kids - they were together nearly 14 yrs I think, but married for only a couple.

So the marriage ended following his wife having an affair and then failure to work things out - so essentially she wanted out. This obviously damaged him a lot and I haven't really wanted to probe too much into the "whys" of it all.

I guess the advise I am after is whether it is likely that I am going to have to wait sometime for any true commitment from this guy. We are really close and spend every night together - and its obvious that we both care about each other, but there have been no "I love yous". At one point when discussing our relationship he said I just need to go easy on him (he had eluded to being scared about being happy again). I can relate to the situation of not wanting to get hurt and being guarded, but I guess it just worries me a little that he may just be "having some fun for a while" - although he certainly doesn't act this way though.

What has also bought me to a forum is that we had a bit of a blowout on alcohol a few nights ago - we had a wild argument and he said some pretty awful things to me. We talked through them once sober, and he said he didn't mean any of it and with hindsight it may have been him freaking out that I was "like his ex". I'm not quite sure how to take it as I haven't ever had someone I've been in a relationship say such harsh things (ok, whilst really drunk), and them take them back.

Any insight into these types of behaviours from anyone out there in similar situations would be great.

Thanks for your time.

[michelle23]

What kinda things did he say?

When did they split up? And how long after they split did you get together?

[DrB]

What kinda things did he say?

When did they split up? And how long after they split did you get together?

I don't know exactly when they officially split up - but they have been going through the motions for the last 2 years when I met him. He has also done the "see other woman thing" before me.

He called me psycho and crazy (I was really upset all because I wanted to leave a party to home and he didn't - so I over reacted big time and then became a bit unreasonable - I was pretty boozed too!). He said he never meant any of the nice things he had said to me before.

In the morning he still stood by the fact I was "crazy and psycho" (as he didn't actually do anything to deserve me strange behaviour - in his mind) but that he didn't mean all the horrible things he said - he then eventually also apologised for not taking me home when I suggested it. So he did back peddle a bit, but he did seem genuine. Its just hard to comprehend why someone would say hurtful things if they don't mean it. Could this be how he would try and hurt his ex in their battles? It would make sense a bit. As it was her that left him and maybe that's how he learnt to fight back - with words he didn't really mean.....I don't know. We are now back in a good space despite the fall-out, I just don't know whether this is cause for alarm....

Thanks

[Valixy]

If the relationship is fine but there might be problems and regrets when you both have a little bit too much to drink then maybe trying to control that, at least one of you, could help you avoid moments like that in the future.

Otherwise I think that you should take it slow just as you do and enjoy the moment.

[basilandthyme]

DrB, the awful things he said to you is the thing which would worry me most.

Take a good look at your own behaviour: WERE you crazy and psycho? Did you scream at him or make any wild accusations before he said those things to you?

If yes, then I suggest you forgive him and take a long hard look at your own behaviour. If you didn't provoke it, then I'd see it as a giant red flag and end the relationship.

[DrB]

DrB, the awful things he said to you is the thing which would worry me most.

Take a good look at your own behaviour: WERE you crazy and psycho? Did you scream at him or make any wild accusations before he said those things to you?

If yes, then I suggest you forgive him and take a long hard look at your own behaviour. If you didn't provoke it, then I'd see it as a giant red flag and end the relationship.

The "drinking too much" part was definitely the trigger to this situation - and it kind of triggered a deep set insecurity of mine. When he didn't want to leave the party my drunken irrational mind told me that I obviously don't mean much to him if he wouldn't leave to take me home. Therefore I ended up an emotional mess and this made him angry. I don't remember all the details but I think I then became irrational - probably not the kind of behaviour that I would call "psycho and crazy" - but he was so confused as to where this surfaced from (and he was very drunk also).

I guess I will tread carefully for a while and step back a bit. Everything really is fine, we are taking things slow yet there is much talk of long term plans (events etc rather than "us" plans), so hopefully it was just a bump in the road.

Thanks