worried about a relative. Could use some advice.

[michelle23]

This is a long story. I will try to keep it as short as I can but I would really appreciate some advice.

My cousin is 20 years old (female). She has been through a lot over the past 3 years. First of all their family business closed down and her mum is suffering from bad depression. She took everything out on her daughter and has been very nasty to her. When my cousin was doing her final school exams 2 years ago-her mum went away for a few days and my cousin was at home alone with her Stepdad. They had a big fight coz he was going away to meet her mum for a night or two and didn't want her in the house alone. She said Michelle is collecting me after work but he didn't trust her and said he wants her to go before he leaves. They ended up having a massive argument and he knocked her over when she went to reach the phone. He frightened her and she was very upset. She rang me crying her eyes out and I collected her.

She moved in with my parents coz her mum took her Stepdads side completely. She never tried to resolve the conflict and never asked her to come home. All this while she was stressed out doing very important exams. My family supported her as much as they could. Me, my parents, aunt and Granddad were all there for her but it was never enough to ease her pain coz all she wanted was reassurance that her mum loves her and it broke her heart that she never got it.

Over the years she tried everything to resolve the issues with her mum. All she wanted was to be a family again, she tried family counselling and everything but her mum always blamed her for everything and would put her down and be nasty to her all the time. She would come home crying all the time in bits.

Another issue was her ex bf. That is another story but he made a fool of her and she was a doormat for him. While they were together she thought about cutting herself and was suicidal. Another issue was she did exceptionally well in her exams and is a very bright girl. All she wanted was to go to college with her school friends but her mum refused to help her so she got a job in McDonalds and was aiming to save the money herself.

I heard a year ago that she was on drugs and I approached her. I told her she has to try and be strong, I said I am disappointed and I don't want her to throw her whole life away-that she has to try and get better. She swore to me shes not taking anything and even went to counselling.

Eventually she learned that the bf has to go so she got rid of him and decided she wanted a place of her own so moved in with a friend out of my parents house. She is still close to my family but wanted her own space. I thought she was improving. She seemed happier. Things were starting to go well.

But two months ago my Granddad died and now I am hearing she is off her head on drugs.. She has been avoiding me and she is hanging around with local scumbags. I am at my wits end and I don't know what to do!

Friends told me let her make her own mistakes and don't get involved coz you will just push her further away but that is easier said than done. I cant stand back and watch her kill herself or end up in prison. Its hard.

She had a sheltered life all her life. She was molly coddled and never thought any responsibility or independence. Now she is out in the big bad world and cannot cope at all. She is destroying herself. She is a very weak person (I don't mean that as an insult-just a fact) and I wish she would be stronger. We all go through shit-I feel my childhood was far tougher than hers and I am strong but I know everyone is different.

Is there anything I can do?

[Starnique]

You can pray for her. Unfortunately people do have to make their own mistakes in life. She just want her mothers love. She needs to accept that she has tried to do her part and she needs to wash her hands of the rest. It's not her fault really and once she realizes that she can move forward. Just let her know that you are there for her. Always and every day. Sometimes just call her up and offer for her to hang with you so that way she can have you around and hopefully your good behavior can rub off on her. People change when they are ready. Just always make yourself available to her and make her aware of this also so she can she do have family that loves her.

[Ginger2013]

You know Michelle, your cousin sounds exactly like me. I had a rough upbringing with lots of physical and emotional abuse. For years I lamented that I would never be loved by my parents, thus making me feel unworthy of love in general. Thus the doormat behaviour, which I have to be constantly conscious of now. I just wanted to be loved so I put up with anything. I also abused alcohol for many years, and I didn't care one bit if I would die from it. I needed that escape because I couldn't face the gut-wrenching emotions of my past. I am weak too, like your cousin, and very susceptible to any way I can to escape the emotional pain. I too nearly ended my life on too many occasions, one time actually having to be revived. I turned to cutting at the age of 34 because the adrenaline rush it gave me quelled the panic attacks and anxiety, it kind of washed a calm over me. I wasn't strong enough back then to deal with the emotions.

Nobody could have helped me and I resented anyone who tried, even tried in a sugar-coated type of way. One of my friends at the time of my worst alcoholism sat me down and very lovingly told me she was worried about my life, that she really wanted to help me, that she would find me a therapist, go to AA meetings with me, and be on call 24/7 to help me get better. I didn't accept her offer, I had to hit my own rock-bottom to get it through my head that I could live without the approval and love of my parents and family, that my depression was caused by them, but I don't have to let it continue to destroy me.

I feel for you because you care and are afraid she might die or destroy her life by getting arrested. I just hope her rock bottom comes quickly.

[pcmaster]

What you can do is give her your phone number and say she can come or call anytime she needs someone to talk. Maybe give her loveforum link too lol.

Anyway I left home when I was 20 years old too and its was the best thing I did, cause out there you grow up fast ! Being together with bad people I did some bad things in my life but what helps open eyes is being close to death once and on a street without food few times.

Bottom line is something extreme have to happen before she truly understand that she don't wanna this kind of life. Something extreme bad or extreme good so she see what she don't want or what she really want. Taste of Heaven or Hell.

Also being needy with trying to help her wont work. I mean like: "I feel sorry for you." "What are you doing with your life !?" or"Talk to me please !"
What can work better is actually do something for her so she can see what you actually can do for her. Like start a simple conversation or visit her like a friend.

If you really think she's so addicted to drugs then you can take her(with force) to rehab center. You are her relative you have rights to do that. Once she get clean and see life clearly she will regret that she didn't get professional help faster.

The way you described things, she thinks her mum don't care if she's sad and her friends is not really her friends as well as BF is gone. Without love she's going nowhere. But miracles happen and maybe she meet a guy who falls for her or friend who believes more in her than she does or stranger who sees potential in her.

You become as big as your dominant aspiration or as small your controlling desire. Once she finds that aspiration it will be easy to leave desire cause she will see that her life has bigger purpose. If not aspiration then fear can help too but it have to be constructive fear not paralyzing.

[michelle23]

Thanks guys. I know your right that all i can do is be a friend and show her i care. Its hard though. Shes no angle. She can be extremely manipulate, selfish and immature when she wants to be and she does piss me off a lot. The past 6months i felt like she just used me if she needed a drive or money or to borowr something.. And ive been avoiding her the last month coz i was angry. My bf doesnt like her and calls her a spoilt brat which she can be coz she was spoilt all her life. Me and her are so different in a lot of ways that we tend to clash but when were alone together we get on really well and have such a laugh. Weve always been close but at times i need space from her coz she does really piss me off!

But i will ask her to meet me 2m-just grab a coffee and catch up. I dont know how bad she actually is on drugs. You know how rumors spread.. It could be a once a week thing right now-i dont know. Im hoping its just a phase but ill do what i can.

Thanks again xx