Just had a date with my ex

[Ginger2013]

It's been nearly 2 weeks since I moved out and refused contact with my ex. He wrote me a letter and left it at my door last night, basically saying he was sorry, regretted how he acted, was immature etc...He also admitted that he had anger problems and that he had been trying to hide it from me at the beginning of our relationship, but that when it came out, he felt no control over it. He said he started therapy on Thursday last and he's going to continue it for at least the prescribed 12 weeks to help himself work on the reasons for his anger problem and to give him new coping skills when his temper begins to flare. He also listed a bunch of stuff he is doing each day to help himself (reading books, meditation, journaling) and what remedies/homeotherapy products he has already started. He joined a gym and goes each morning to help work off stress.

You know, I could very well regret it, but I'm going to see how things go. I'm not moving back in with him, but we're in touch now. We had lunch today and it was a little uncomfortable, we were both nervous. I was clear with him that I wouldn't put up with the crap he pulled on me before and that I had my doubts that he would change. He said he wanted to change for himself first and if I thought he was worth it, then he'd be really happy if I would move back in with him. I told him I didn't want to leave my apartment for a while now, but that I'd be okay with trying dating again, but if he missed one therapy appointment, I wouldn't talk to him ever again.

So at this point, we're dating again, we're taking it slow, but I'm going to have a zero tolerance policy. I know I'm strong enough because he said so many nice things after walking me back to my place, where 2 weeks ago I would have melted and forgiven him, I thanked him for lunch and said I'd be in touch tomorrow.

I want to give this another chance since he's making a lot of effort to change for himself. If it were a case of changing for me, I wouldn't have believed he could do it. I really hope it will work out this time, I'd like to believe in second chances. If I'm wrong though, I'm prepared for the consequences.

[Valixy]

He's definitely taken a huge step...thanks to you. Good luck, Ginger!

[Wakeup]

This is exactly what NOT enabling someone often accomplishes. It allows the person to grow.

Good luck. Do stick to your zero tolerance policy and good for you for not moving in with him until he graduates from his sessions. A class in anger management wouldn't harm him in any way either.

Keep us updated, Ginger.

[pcmaster]

Thats cool. Now you both have something that you didnt had before. You have the confidence but he have his will to become a better man for you.

[Going_Home]

You're very strong. I'm in exactly the same position - hoping my girlfriend will forgive me for reacting the same way as your boyfriend did. I was wrong and disrespectful. The worst thing though for me (and your boyfriend) is the not knowing what is going through your mind in those 2 weeks where you had the break (we're having the same 2 week break, instigated by my girlfriend). At the moment I have no hope, even though Im doing what your boyfriend's doing with therapy, admission of guilt etc.
Thanks for sharing and I really believe you can both come out of this much stronger. I really hope we can do the same. Could you share a little about how you felt during the 2 weeks, how you feel now? Do the good times you had, the memories, the oddities still mean something to you or is it all gone because of his anger and hurting you?

[Ginger2013]

You're very strong. I'm in exactly the same position - hoping my girlfriend will forgive me for reacting the same way as your boyfriend did. I was wrong and disrespectful. The worst thing though for me (and your boyfriend) is the not knowing what is going through your mind in those 2 weeks where you had the break (we're having the same 2 week break, instigated by my girlfriend). At the moment I have no hope, even though Im doing what your boyfriend's doing with therapy, admission of guilt etc.
Thanks for sharing and I really believe you can both come out of this much stronger. I really hope we can do the same. Could you share a little about how you felt during the 2 weeks, how you feel now? Do the good times you had, the memories, the oddities still mean something to you or is it all gone because of his anger and hurting you?

Well, the main thing is that my bf is changing for HIMSELF. He realized he had anger issues, based on his upbringing. Regardless if I gave him another chance or not, he wants to better himself so that he's not walking around like a ticking time bomb. Of course, when he's better, he can be a better man for me, that's his way of thinking. My advice for you is concentrate on your healing and your therapy, and think of it as a long term solution to make YOU better. If you're better and she still loves you and is willing to try again, she'll see the changes and not just think you're feeding her lip service to get her back. Actions mean so much more than words.

During those two weeks what went through my mind was how much I hated him for forcing me to break up with him, how many chances I gave him to stop being an a-hole and how he was taking me for granted. As the days went by and the crying stopped, the resentment built and I actually hated him and started to look at online dating sites again to get myself back into the dating game. I connected with a few guys I dated last year, just to chat. One asked me out for coffee and I went. Even though I was devastated, I got stronger as the days went by and made the should-be-obvious realization that other guys wanted me and that I could definitely find a nicer, caring and more loving man than my ex. Had he not written me that letter, I would have been on a date with a new guy tonight to be honest. I don't think it's worth my time to wait and lament too long because life is too short. The good times came to mind the first few days when the hurt was at its highest. But the memories we remember the most are the ones that hurt us the most too so all I could focus on was that I no longer trusted a man I gave myself entirely too and that I allowed him to make me feel like scum. Giving him another chance wasn't all romantic and I forgive and I love you either. It was very business-like, still is. I don't trust a word he says. I want to see his actions over the next 3 months of therapy before I even consider moving back in with him. So the thoughts don't necessarily stop just because I'm giving it a second chance. I'm still very aware of the hurt, I still re-live the moments of pain and anger, and my emotions and resentment are still at the top of my throat. That's as detailed as I can get!!

[basilandthyme]

I think it's great that he's making these changes. And it's great that you're taking it slow and have zero tolerance approach. Can I just caution you to give it at least a year before you move back in with him? You really need to find out if these changes are permanent.

[Ginger2013]

I think it's great that he's making these changes. And it's great that you're taking it slow and have zero tolerance approach. Can I just caution you to give it at least a year before you move back in with him? You really need to find out if these changes are permanent.

I agree Basil, you see my lease ends next May and I don't intend on moving in together until then, if he really shows change and growth that is. He just texted me that he started a TFSA (tax-free savings account) and that he wants to save money for our future, this is also a great change for him because he used to just spend as he got.

And thanks to all my friends for supporting me and advising me and generally babysitting me during this time As most people do, I just wish it hadn't come down to this for him to realize he needed help for himself.

[Going_Home]

Hi again,
Could I ask you to take a look at my thread ("Please help! My lack of trust has broken us up" it's about 12-15 threads down)and let me know if this is your situation all over again? Im at the end of my strength, have no-one to confide in, least of all the person I love, and am totally lost. Im worked up into a sheer panic, cant sleep well and hate myself for the hurt I caused and making her afraid.
I cant imagine a life without this person and although I believe what I did was totally wrong AND want to change myself that it NEVER happens again, I cannot begin to envisage life without this women. Only last week we were saying how great we are, planning a New Zealand trip, reminiscing - what have I done???
Thanks...

[Ginger2013]

Hi again,
Could I ask you to take a look at my thread ("Please help! My lack of trust has broken us up" it's about 12-15 threads down)and let me know if this is your situation all over again? Im at the end of my strength, have no-one to confide in, least of all the person I love, and am totally lost. Im worked up into a sheer panic, cant sleep well and hate myself for the hurt I caused and making her afraid.
I cant imagine a life without this person and although I believe what I did was totally wrong AND want to change myself that it NEVER happens again, I cannot begin to envisage life without this women. Only last week we were saying how great we are, planning a New Zealand trip, reminiscing - what have I done???
Thanks...

Can't seem to find that thread, can you post the link?