dont know what to do

[AdamG]

Ok so me and my partner have just broken up after 3 & 1/2 years, we have 2 young children together,

I guess really I have myself to blame, I made her unhappy and pushed her away, this is not self pitty or me blaming myself but I have already accepted where I went wrong and know what I did.

What has followed since has been a tirade of nasty text messages and now she is just ignoring me excluding me from the children in the process, she is currently staying with her Mum with our children, I have already been round to the house but I get no answer.

I love her and my children to pieces and want to try and salvage the relationship but I'm unsure on how to move forward, it seems I am my own worst enemy and I just make the situation worse all the time, it doesn't help but the people she is associating with presently are actively trying to dissuade her from getting back with me.

This has happened before but never quite like this and we always seemed to make it through it however I'm less optimistic this time.

I'd appreciate some advice from people on how to move forward and what the best course of action would be.

[searock]

What exactly happened that made you break up?

[AdamG]

We had a massive argument about something really petty and I had recently stopped her friend coming to the house because I felt she was a bad influence, she had got my partner smoking cannabis and was driving a wedge between us both, this didn't go down too well, money has also been low recently so we have had to stay in rather than going out, I guess I had become overly controlling and I had made her really unhappy.

[michelle23]

I dont see how this is your fault. Your supposed to be a family and a team. When money is tight, you both need to give up luxuries like nights out etc. If she cant understand that-then maybe shes not ready for a grown up relationship.

You have got two kids though. Give her a little space-a couple of weeks and then ask her for couples counselling.

Is there more issues than that between you?

[AdamG]

Well I called her childish and pathetic in the heat of the moment, I didn't have the money to buy her cigarettes and she was in a mood, she claimed we did have the money and that I just didn't want to buy them, which was partially true. It just ended up in a massive argument, I ended up saying things I didn't necessarily mean. ie after she left I threatened to phone social services for her smoking cannabis with the friend I didn't like, she sees me as manipulative and controlling, I just feel it is like a parent-child relationship sometimes, I have to make the hard decisions and I ultimately get the blame when things don't go her way. Admittedly I could go about some things differently, I really dislike it when she get's in moods and it ultimately causes massive arguments.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

You Brits are ****in nuts.

You should tell social services she's smoking cannabis and you should file for custody. I'm an advocate for weed, but do whatever you have to do to get your kids. Stop being such a whiny cunt and crush this bitch. Chances are, if you do, she'll come crawling back, and you two can continue going round and round again.

[Valixy]

I can't see what you did so wrong, OP. She was becoming addicted to cannabis and you weren't fine with it, her friend sounds like a bad influence just as you said and when your economy was having problems, she was less than supportive. She sounds irresponsible and selfish to me and probably manipulative too since she is convincing you that it's all your fault. I don't think that you should be begging for forgiveness, she is the one that owes you a big apology for letting most of the responsibiliy of the relationship on your shoulders and complain instead of doing anything to help. You didn't push her away, she pushed you first through her attitude and you reacted to that by trying to impose your point of view maybe. Not the best psosible reaction but you couldn't have done much more if she wasn't cooperating in any way.

Maybe you should try to clarify for yourself what position you should take during the break-up. In my opinion you should be strong and firm as a head of a family should be and see this as an opportunity to identify the real problems in your relationship and expect her to behave like a real adult partner willing to talk things through and admitting her part of mistakes. You deserve so much from her and so do your children, a wife/mommy capable of looking for solutions. And you should really try to loose this false sense of guilt she induced on you because you were right at least about some of the things that happened between you two and entitled to ask her to change her attitude. Counseling together could help you both maybe.

[AdamG]

Thanks for all the responses, the problem is I can't get any response from her now, I feel I have pushed my opinions too heavy highhandedly, the company she is keeping is telling her I'm at fault. I can't get her to talk to me, I have tried since Sunday night since it all happened and she has not responded once, I went round to her mothers house today to try to talk to her but she wouldn't and her mother told me to go away or she would call the police, without wanting to aggravate the situation further I left. I've still had no word from her since Sunday and I just don't know what to do.

This is my family and she is the woman I love and the mother of my 2 children, putting everything a side I need to know the best course of action to try to get her to talk to me again and eventually get her to come home, the problems we have can be addressed then on.

It's extremely difficult for me because I moved across the country to be with her and I made a family with her so I don't have any mutual friends with her that I can confide in and try to get to fight my corner, she has everybody in her ear telling her to go her own way and avoid me like the plague. We had a good relationship regardless of what I have mentioned but we had our problems also that I/we was trying to address them, I'm up against big odds here.

Her family and friends are mostly scumbags (this is not an opinion I share openly with her) with no future and I personally feel jealously is a big thing here and certain people envy what we had together and will try anything to crush it.

I'm extremely lost and have absolutely no idea how to move forward, advice would be very much appreciated and acted upon.

I have read that no contact is sometimes a good way to go? but I don't know with the children, either way she isn't talking at the moment anyway and I feel by not saying anything we are growing further apart. I'm pretty stuck I don't know what she wants or how she feels.

We have to see each other next Tuesday because we have a mutual meeting we must both attend, her mother will most likely be present also.

[Valixy]

I know some people are capable of calling the police or the social services just for the sake of winning an argument and it's very easy for women nowadays to play the victim role if they want to. So maybe you shouldn't force things in any way by going there but is there any possibility for you to send her a nice polite email or a text message every now and then encouraging her to talk to you?

As long as she refuses speaking with you, there's not much you can do really, than trusting that she'll calm down and come to a better judgement in time. Her family may try to influence her but her feelings will also play an important part and the fact that the children will miss you and their home. Obviously she won't be able to ignore you forever or exclude you from the children's life because it's not legal.

Women tend to change their mind, miss their partners and the comfort of their homes, so maybe you should just be patient and whenever the occasion arises (Tuesday maybe?) try to use it to bring her closer to you, be calm, positive, make no accusations.When she comes back you'll try to work on your relationship together, as you said.

In the worst possible case, if she rejects seeing you or letting you see the children for several weeks, I think you should contact a lawyer.

[michelle23]

I think you should just not contact her at all. Play the waiting game and she will come crawling. Leave it a few days. If you hear nothing by Saturday, just send a quick text saying "I miss the kids, I want to see them. I want then to come home tonight so I can spend time with them" but don't say anything about you and her. If she says no, you need to say to her "whatever happens between you and me, they are still my children and I want to see them". If she refuses, then you do need to get onto a solicitor and find out what your rights are and what you can do to fight for custody.

Keep any texts as proof as you will need them. I think she is a toxic b**ch. No offence but if all her family and friends are scum than she probably is too. What do you even love about this woman?

[AdamG]

So I left her alone thursday and friday and I texted her today just to say I was sorry about things and that I love her and don't want to lose the 3 of them, I'd like to know how she felt.

I didn't receive a reply so I went to her mums house again (they was in definitely in), again didn't answer the door to me so I left.

I had a friend ring her a couple of hours later and immediately she sounded really angry and said I don't want to talk to Adam and I don't want to know about Adam, conversation ended quite quickly.

I looked on her phone record today and saw a number for a local family solicitor she dialed on Wednesday lasting 4 minutes

Really doesn't look very hopeful at the moment, this whole mess is absolutely killing me.

What is the best way for me to proceed.

[AdamG]

Anybody? Haven't contacted her again since I last txt her on Saturday, still nothing, Tuesday tomorrow and I expect to see her at the meeting we are due to attend however I would not be surprised, how should I play things if she is there? and what is the best way for me to continue?

[AdamG]

So I saw my ex yesterday, she was not interested in continuing the relationship and it appears she is now seeing somebody new, I'm absolutely heartbroken and devastated to say the least

No idea what to do

[anonymous_a]

I find it so funny when people refer to it as cannabis. Sounds so... official lol, anyone else?

Sooo who wants to come smoke a joint? Lmao

[anonymous_a]

So I saw my ex yesterday, she was not interested in continuing the relationship and it appears she is now seeing somebody new, I'm absolutely heartbroken and devastated to say the least

No idea what to do

If she is already seeing someone new, it is probably a rebound. I wouldn't worry too much about it. Just focus on your children. Look at how YOU'RE feeling. Imagine how your kids are feeling!! This thing with this new guy, won't last, so just try and focus on what's important.