Depression and love.

[Exeter19]

i have a female friend who is very depressed and in a ldr ( she is 25, guy is 30). the guy she is in a ldr with ignores her depression and she said when she wants to talk he puts her off. i told her he doesn't love you, because if he knew you were sad why not talk to you, cheer you up, something, ignoring only says i don't give a damn about how you feel, don't bother me with it anymore. i think that upset her but i was being truthful not trying to be cruel to her. anyone have a reason other than what i told ehr as to why a guy she is in a relationship doesn't want to help her through her depression? i don't know what to tell her, out of ideas other than get a new bf.

[IslandScorp]

She might have gotten upset but I think she already had those thoughts. Just didn't want it verbalized. It really doesn't help someone's depression for another person to point out that on top of everything else the guy you're in a so-called relationship with doesn't care about you. You know, men always seem to want to "fix" things but sometimes, it's enough to just be there for someone. When a woman rants or complains, she isn't necessarily asking you for answers or to fix the situation. Sometimes she just needs a sounding board-someone that she can talk to. If you have to say something, it's better to put it into the form of a question. "Does he ever say why he doesn't want to talk about it?" Or say something like, "Well, until he's ready to talk, you can talk to me. What are friends for?"

[Exeter19]

Thx for answering, islandscorp.
i think in the back of her head she knows it too, but is in denial and doesn't help she has depression. she is the older sister of one of my god friends and i can look at her and see her depression. i was stumped as to what to say when she asks me for my honest thoughts and tells me and her brother all this stuff. her family has never met the ld bf. i was in fix- it- mode, i agree. she does talk to me, her brother and her parents but the advice given she doesn't want to hear and no one wants to lie and not have her live in reality. she could be happier with a bf in this city who can hold her and take her out when feeling depressed, having a ld one doesn't help her. her brother said she should go back on medications, and not date until they kick back in. i think imo he won't discuss her depression because he doesn't want to see he might be playing a part and the guy doesn't want to take any guilt or responsibility for his part in it. so he has her on ignore basically.

[Ginger2013]

Before my bf went through his growth and changes, he would ignore me when I had an "episode". My episodes were panic attacks then full-blown sadness, where I started to feel not just emotional pain, but physical symptoms and a desperate need to release the pain through hurting myself. All I wanted from him was a little comfort when it happened, but he started to see it as me being needy, weak, and manipulative, i.e. trying to get pity from him for attention. This is the opinion of a clueless man (or woman for that matter if it were the opposite). He didn't TRULY understand my mental health disorder, only said he did at the beginning of our relationship to make himself look sensitive to the matter. After I left him for those 2 weeks, it made him want to understand it more, and he did his own research, even told me he asked his therapist to help him understand. I told him that these things are beyond my control and that me and my "issues" were a package deal, if he can't handle them and be there for me to count on him, then it wasn't going to work out. It's not like I had an episode daily, just a few times a month perhaps when under a lot of stress. I told him I would always be there for him whenever he needed me and if he didn't reciprocate, how could I have full trust in him?

I told you this because my bf had to realize on his own that I wasn't trying to seek his attention, that the problems and pain were real and that part of being in love is caring that the other person is suffering and WANTING to comfort them. Perhaps this guy your friend is seeing hasn't reached the point of truly understanding depression yet. I think until he takes it upon himself to realize it's serious, there isn't much you can do to help her out, you can maybe coax her into having a serious discussion with him about it. And worse for her, it's a ldr...that's already tough to begin with.

Sometimes I wish I had a missing limb, at least my disability would be visible and taken more seriously, there are few people who really understand the non-visible disorders.

[Exeter19]

Thx for answering, Ginger2013.
this girls looks like full blown sadness so bad you can see the emptiness in her eyes, she looks very unhappy and i think she'd do better with a in town bf compared to a ld one who ignores her. that sounds like what her bf might think too, too much to deal with, that she isn't cool or fun and is too needy, maybe, idk. but what you said sounds right to me. lots of people think you can snap outta depression like that and is your own fault if you feel bad, my mother had it for several years until she got on the right meds nothing helped, she even became agoraphobic. did you feel he was being selfish or just didn't understand how you really felt?

i think this girl only tries to seek her bf's attention to have him be supportive when she feels bad, to em that is normal you are there for good and bad times, if you only want the good times, you aren't a very sympathetic person and are selfish. i would think he would fly down to see her at least, but no. her brother hates hearing about the guy now and her family feels this guy is adding to her problems and she needs to break free. i agree.
hope you are feeling better with your depression, ginger, thxs for the reply and personal story.