Need advice on issue in 10 year marriage

[IndiReloaded]

He does tick off a lot of boxes. He's a great dad, he works hard, we are attracted to each other (I think), he's committed, not controlling, open-minded, never malicious, and goes out of his way to help people if they need it. He's also patient, gentle, responsible, adventurous at times, and pretty easygoing except with this stuff. Reducing him to a list of characteristics seems wrong, though.

Good luck finding another man like this w/o baggage. IMO the only reason to leave a marriage like this, esp. with kids is if there is physical or emotional abuse. My advice to you is to find some patience (same as he obviously has) and make it work.

[Middle_Aged_mom]

I don't want to end it. It's entered my mind, but in the sense that it's my ultimate nightmare in this situation. I want it to work. I was married before, and I thought long and hard about this marriage before deciding to go into it. When I said "until death do us part" I didn't mean unless the relationship runs into bumps, I meant that I'd love him and want to be with him forever. But I need him to work on making it work. The fact that he's done a lot by staying and putting up with me is, unfortunately, irrelevant. Sometimes people need to give more than they want or think they can. I'm asking him to put in a huge amount of effort when considered overall, but the fact is that this one thing I'm asking for is not being difficult, it's sort of a basic human need in a relationship; there has to be more than one person in it. The question of whether it's hard for him to satisfy the need is moot.

I guess I'm not done working on it. Thanks for making me think about it more. I am, however, done settling for something less-than-adequate. All I can do at this point is give him another chance, and communicate (major emphasis) as clearly as I possibly can that this is not a both-people-work-on-it marital issue. My part is only to communicate and wait. The burden to fix it belongs solely to him.

[michelle23]

How do you approach this issue? Have you sat down with him over a cup of coffee and said "i love you, your a fantastic husband and father and im v grateful for everything you do and i know you love me but i feel like theres not enough affection between us. I feel like were too comfortable and i need more cuddles and quality time".

If your just attacking him and nagging and telling him all the things he does wrong and never what he does right then it will just go in one ear and out the other. Remember to use those "I" statements. I feel, i wish, i hope, i need etc and stay calm

[Middle_Aged_mom]

Heck yes I've done that. So many times I've lost count. I never attack him and tell him what he does wrong. The only time I bring it up is as you said above, or when we are having a relationship discussion. I've never lost my temper before yesterday. Get emotionally distressed, sure. But it's hard to make me angry. I'm usually pretty calm. Last night was a complete fluke.

The fact that I have brought it up, in a mature way, so many times, and told him it's important. That makes the fact that the only days he doesn't decide the TV or his laptop is more important than me are the days after I bring it up (or when he takes time away from the TV to complain about what I'm doing wrong) sting even more.

[IndiReloaded]

Tell him your need. Use "I" words. Tell him exactly what you would like for affection: I like it when you touch me... [insert like here].

Ask him if he is willing to help fill this need for you. If yes, start to get into a habit with him. Morning hug, hug when you get home, etc. Be consistent. Move from a hug to a kiss. Ramp up over a period of weeks. He won't change overnight.

If he won't work with you, ask him why. If you don't like the answer, and the rest of your marriage isn't worth this particular need not being met, then you may need to consider ending your marriage. I'd think very hard about this with children involved though.

How old are your children? That matters too.

[stilldoubting]

I think you need marriage counselling. He needs to understand why affection and emotional connection is so important. It sounds like you have a good marriage in general and he is a good man. I wouldnt be quick to throw that away. Fight for your marriage and work together as a team to save it.

[michelle23]

I agree, you should ask for marriage counselling. Best of luck

[dreamalittle_89]

yes, i would agree that he must have gotten used to you and that's a reason which makes you feel that he is more distant from you now. try telling him again, hopefully it works out. afterall, you 2 have been tgt for so long!

on side note, how about this interesting undies for the male species.. haha!!

[4 ratties]

If you're not going to divorce and he's not going to change, then u need to love and accept him as he is.the next guy you go for will have something else wrong with him. No ones perfect. And yes building this wall is dangerous and not a good idea