Lack of Experience Need Advice

[TrustingGirl]

This may be a little long but I desperately need some advice and can't really go to family or friends on this one. I'm 22 and I very inexperienced in relationships, I have never had a boyfriend. I grew up in a very strict family, wasn't allowed to date or really go out in high school other than to the movies or the mall so I had very few friends as well. I also lived at home for the first few years of my college career so things were more or less the same as high school. I've been told by several guys that I'm a pretty girl (I don't say this to be conceited in any way, usually it is accompanied by the "why don't you have a boyfriend" comment) and I have had guys hit on me before but I'm shy and my upbringing has me scared to date as my parents were not very accepting when my older sisters brought boys home.

However I finally moved out of my parent's house last year into an apartment closer to my school. Shortly after I moved out I met a guy at my on campus part time job, he's gorgeous and is in a fraternity and has a ton of friends, we hit it off and became friends. Long story short this guy asked me out after a few months working together and we went out a few times and had a nice time, he was really awesome and nice when we went out and I really started to fall for him. He then invited me to a party that he was having at his apartment. I really wanted to go to his party but my few friends from school had gone home for the summer and I really didn't have anyone to go with however I decided to go by myself. I'm not much of a drinker so I hung out with him for an hour or so and then told him I had to leave. He walked me to my car and then tried to kiss me for the first time which caught me off guard. I stopped him and the only thing I could say was "we're just friends". Due to my shyness and lack of experience this was all I could think to say at the time.

He was actually pretty nice about things although he looked upset. He continued to be nice to me at work then he went home out of state for few weeks over summer break. He called me from home and unfortunately I missed his call and my roommate didn't write down his phone number. Then when he came back to school I saw him in a bar and we started talking. Eventually he asked me if I still thought of him as a friend or even more like a brother and due to my complete social ineptitude I moronically said yes. He seemed kind of upset and over the next several months he didn't talk to me quite as much but then we started hanging out in a group setting outside of work, his friends and my roommates and I.

Then something really weird happened, one of my roommates told me she had a huge crush on him and she asked me to hook her up with him as she knew that I was friends with him. Problem with this is that I had kept my crush on him to myself so in the interest of being a good friend and roommate I told him that she liked him. He said that he wasn't really interested in her but I persisted so he agreed to go out with all of us to get to know her a little better. We all went out and all I can say is that I experienced extreme jealousy as I saw them hanging out together and talking. However things between them didn't progress very far and that was the end of it.

Now he and I have been hanging out again, we've spent some time just the two of us over the past few weeks. I've now known him for over a year and a half and I'm completely in love with him. The other day I asked him if he wanted to go out to a nightclub, just the two of us, and he said he would really enjoy this.

After we go out together I want to ask him to come back to my apartment (assuming I have the courage to do so, which I'm working on) and to stay over and then see where things go from there. I'm struggling with this but this is the guy I want to be with, I have no doubts. I think he really cares about me as well and I know for sure he is not dating anyone.

I'm looking for advice as far as is this the right way to move this relationship forward and is this too soon to become intimate (if it happens)? I'm concerned that because of the way I handled his advances in the past and how I tried setting him up with my roommate that he won't try anything for fear that I might reject him again. Also, we've never really discussed much about our pasts and when he has asked me about my upbringing or high school I've kind of dodged the subject or kept things really general. Should I tell him about my complete lack of a past now or should I wait? I do feel inadequate around him because he has a lot of friends and I've seen many girls hit on him whereas I few friends. I really want to be with him but this painful shyness is hard to overcome. I'm afraid that if I don't initiate things then I'll lose my chance with him.

Thank you for any advice, I'm sorry if this is too long or if I sound like a complete nerd/prude but I'm struggling with this a lot.

[namemyname]

Wait...you've done all you could over the last year and a half to friendzone and push this guy away, and now you want to go to a club, then invite him over for sex???

Girl, there is a middle ground here.

Dating and love is a risk. And you have to be willing to take it. Meaning, you need to open up to this guy in the same level of honesty as you shared here. Otherwise, you'll just continue to sabotage yourself.

I suggest you tell him that you don't really have dating experience, and tell him why. Then tell him you've always had a crush on him, but were too awkward to know how to let that happen.

[TrustingGirl]

Wait...you've done all you could over the last year and a half to friendzone and push this guy away, and now you want to go to a club, then invite him over for sex???

Girl, there is a middle ground here.

Dating and love is a risk. And you have to be willing to take it. Meaning, you need to open up to this guy in the same level of honesty as you shared here. Otherwise, you'll just continue to sabotage yourself.

I suggest you tell him that you don't really have dating experience, and tell him why. Then tell him you've always had a crush on him, but were too awkward to know how to let that happen.

Thanks, I'm trying to get up the courage to be more open with him, for me it's very hard though. I'm also not just trying to invite him over for sex, although if it goes in that direction I feel that I would go with it and honestly this is the person I'd like to be with. I know I've probably sabotaged myself big time here but I really love this guy, it's not just a crush and I feel very comfortable with him for the most part (except with regards to the things I mentioned). I wasn't intentionally trying to "friendzone" him, I was just so embarrassed about my lack of experience and worried that he'll think less of me if he knew, this causes me to freeze up and say stupid things.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

At this point, there really is no middle ground. Normally there would be, but you've rejected him so much already. I think a club and then back to your place is perfect.

Your lack of experience is not an excuse for saying things you don't mean.

[TrustingGirl]

Thank you. I know that my lack of experience is not an excuse. I'm also very shy with guys and this is a part of the problem as well. I am hoping that I haven't completely ruined my chances here. My main concern is that my lack of experience will turn him off.

[horndog]

The best way to move forward is to pretty much just tell him how you feel. Binging him back for sex probably is not the smartest move. If you really want to know his level of interest just tell him how you feel with your clothes on and if he is still standing there when you are done then you probably have him. I guarantee if you **** him you will wake up the next day wondering if he ****ed you because he felt the same way, or because you threw yourself at him after drinking.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Quite the conundrum you are in, huh?

Why is your main concern your lack of experience? He's interested in you. At this point you're going to have to be very forward if you want him, or you can try being honest with the next guy you like.

[TrustingGirl]

Quite the conundrum you are in, huh?

Why is your main concern your lack of experience? He's interested in you. At this point you're going to have to be very forward if you want him, or you can try being honest with the next guy you like.

Yes it is a difficult situation, thank you for your comments. My concern about my lack of experience is that I have absolutely none and at my age (almost 23) it's embarrassing. The way I grew up was strict beyond what most people who think they grew up strict would understand. My parents absolutely did not want me dating and even after I started college and was still living at home a guy from one of my classes called about some home work and my Dad answered and basically reamed him out for calling me, I was totally humiliated. I've never really kissed a guy let alone gone further. The guy that I'm in love with has a tons of friends and I've seen a lot of girls hitting on him so I'm guessing he has significant experience with dating and girls in general. I feel like I'm the only almost 23 year old virgin who has never dated and is afraid of what her parents will think if she bring a guy home.

I'm not just trying to have sex with this guy, I want a long term relationship. I tend to agree with BackUp in that if I'm not forward things will never progress because of how I've pushed him away in the past. However I also don't want to seem like I'm throwing myself at him so that is also a part of my dilemma (on top of the whole courage thing, I'm still working up towards asking him to come back with me).

[jameslarkin]

honesty if the best policy

**** trying to be cool, tell this guy exactly what you have done, that you like him , do it quick other wise your room mate is going to get in there,

its fine to tell him your lack of experience

[DinsdalePiranha]

Ah, this old one. Well TrustingGirl, you're somewhere we've all been. You like someone, but you didn't have the guts to tell that person. Then your friend makes a play, you see them together, and now you're jealous. Timeworn and familiar, like an old, broken-in leather jacket.

The lesson to be learned is this: You like someone, find the guts to tell them. Make the move before someone else does. It always comes with the inherent risk of being shot down, but that's the way it goes. The problem with this guy now is that you've already rejected him. He dealt with it, got over it, and now he's after other girls. That's usually the best case scenario when you do that.

You're inexperienced; so what? There's no shame in that. We all start off at zero. I'd personally consider some form of counseling to help deprogram yourself from your psychotic parents, who apparently think you're asexual or something.

Learn the lesson for next time. And openness, honestly, genuine kindness and a sense of humour will overcome a lack of experience to any guy worth being with. Don't sell yourself short, and don't settle for someone who doesn't care about you.

Best of luck, TG.

[HDBadger]

You seem like a decent person, but I honestly can't see why this guy would give you the time of day at this point. You've done nothing but reject him.

He seems desperate and, honestly, so do you.

I'd be very cautious about doing what you're planning to do. On his end, I could easily see it as an opportunity for a one night stand and nothing more because you are blowing so hot and cold.

If I were him, I'd also be wary of getting involved with you because it also comes across as if you are playing games, even if you aren't.

I'm just telling you how this situation looks from the outside. Be careful.

[TrustingGirl]

Thank you James, I'm working on the honestly thing.

honesty if the best policy

**** trying to be cool, tell this guy exactly what you have done, that you like him , do it quick other wise your room mate is going to get in there,

its fine to tell him your lack of experience

[TrustingGirl]

Thank you Piranha. Despite my completely moronic and immature behavior I think that this guy still really likes me. One of his friends hit on me and he seemed to get really upset, even after I had previously "rejected" him (not purposely though, just wasn't sure how to proceed and I'm a ball of nerves around guys, especially this one). I don't think he'd still do things with me if he didn't, and I've been around him enough to see other girls chasing him, including my roommate (ugh!) and he still gravitates to me. I almost have the courage to just "go for it", these responses from you guys have helped, I truly appreciate it. My parents mean well, it was tough growing up especially when they were so strict, my Dad is originally from a village in another country and apparently they were really strict with girls there, nothing like here. Thank you again for the kind words!

Ah, this old one. Well TrustingGirl, you're somewhere we've all been. You like someone, but you didn't have the guts to tell that person. Then your friend makes a play, you see them together, and now you're jealous. Timeworn and familiar, like an old, broken-in leather jacket.

The lesson to be learned is this: You like someone, find the guts to tell them. Make the move before someone else does. It always comes with the inherent risk of being shot down, but that's the way it goes. The problem with this guy now is that you've already rejected him. He dealt with it, got over it, and now he's after other girls. That's usually the best case scenario when you do that.

You're inexperienced; so what? There's no shame in that. We all start off at zero. I'd personally consider some form of counseling to help deprogram yourself from your psychotic parents, who apparently think you're asexual or something.

Learn the lesson for next time. And openness, honestly, genuine kindness and a sense of humour will overcome a lack of experience to any guy worth being with. Don't sell yourself short, and don't settle for someone who doesn't care about you.

Best of luck, TG.

[TrustingGirl]

You seem like a decent person, but I honestly can't see why this guy would give you the time of day at this point. You've done nothing but reject him.

He seems desperate and, honestly, so do you.

I'd be very cautious about doing what you're planning to do. On his end, I could easily see it as an opportunity for a one night stand and nothing more because you are blowing so hot and cold.

If I were him, I'd also be wary of getting involved with you because it also comes across as if you are playing games, even if you aren't.

I'm just telling you how this situation looks from the outside. Be careful.

Thank you very much Badger, you seem like a really nice guy and I appreciate you looking out for me, a total stranger (;. I really don't think this guy is desperate at all, I have hung around him quite a bit and he seems to generate a lot of interest from girls in general (which of course bothers me). My roommate who liked him is a really pretty girl (dancer/local model) and I have no doubt that he could have had her if he wanted and things didn't progress between them at all, he told me that he really wasn't interested in her but he was also very nice about it.

I also don't think that he would use me for sex if it went in that direction (which I'm not 100% sure that it will at all, he only tried to kiss me once, nothing more and I still have to get up the courage to initiate something and I'm not totally there yet). We've known each other for quite some time and he just doesn't seem to be that kind of guy. Do you think it's too early to be physical at all or just "all the way" physical with him? We've know each other for over a year and a half and spend a lot of time at work together (probably too much time not working and a lot of time talking and flirting), have gone out on several dates in the past, have hung out many times in a group setting with his friends and my friends and have been spending time just the two of us over the past couple of weeks. I feel like we are in friend limbo (obviously this is my fault) and if I don't do something I'm going to lose any opportunity I might still have. Of course I could be totally wrong, but how much more careful can I be? It's a weird situation and totally my fault, if I was normal and not so shy and embarrassed I'd obviously have done things much differently.

[namemyname]

Here's the flaw in your logic, hon.

You think that sleeping with him is going to somehow convey your romantic interest, and desire to date him.

WRONG.

The only thing that it will tell him is that you wanted to have sex with him, and were willing to do it with no strings attached.

You NEED to learn how to communicate with people. You're not a child, so stop acting like one. This guy isn't a mind reader (if he was, wouldn't he have figured out already you like like him?).

I mean, what's the plan - you go through life using shyness as an excuse for not being able to discuss your feelings and intentions with men? FAIL.

Your option, your ONLY option, is to be honest with him. If you don't feel you can do it in person, then send him an email, write him a love letter - SOMETHING that at least tells him why you act like you do, and how you feel about him. Stop hiding.