I don't know how to feel! This is tough.

[im_thedude]

Hey ladies and gents, just joined up because I've been struggling with this and talking it out with people has been the best therapy I've gotten. Thanks in advance.

About a month ago, my girlfriend of nearly three years broke up with me. She had not contacted me like she normally did, so after a while I called her to ask her what was going on. The tone in her voice was all I needed.

Now, a little back story. My girlfriend and I got together in college, after knowing each other in high school. She had the biggest crush on me in high school, and it was random Facebook comment that sparked us off. I met her in person on campus, then asked her out of a date soon after. Throughout our relationship, though, my girlfriend had been in a rut. She didn't have her driver's license, and didn't have a form of transportation. Her friends from high school were drifting away and she was too proud to be the one to initiate hanging out with them. The few friends from college she met, she too was too proud to initiate hanging out most of the time. All of this meant that my girlfriend and I spent A LOT of time together throughout our years. We fell in love really fast. It was wonderful.

But one large schism between us came to be her wanting to, as she always said, "be herself." I didn't fully let her be herself. She wanted to do activities together that I occasionally wasn't in the mood for, so I would tell her. She would do certain things by herself that I wasn't all too thrilled about, and she would accuse me of preventing her from being herself. One big example was her friends she made from social media. She had gotten a Tumblr and began socializing with numerous guys online pretty frequently. I'll admit, I got jealous and defensive. I was most worried that these people she began befriending would, to put it simply, make her happier than I could.

But I compromised with her and was fine with it. Then she got an Xbox Live account, and made a group of guy friends that she played with every night. Then she got involved with the website, The Chive, which is known for having it's female users submit sexy photos of themselves. I wasn't okay with either of these new activities of hers, and aggressively made it known that I was unhappy with her communicating with these people. She would assure me that they were nice people, that nobody was flirting with her, and continued talking to them even against my wishes. I felt utterly disrespected by this.

Then, she finally got herself a used car, and got hooked up with a new job shortly after. She befriended all her coworkers really fast and it seemed like her life was finally turning around. This was about a month before we broke up. Two days before she broke up with me (over the phone when I had called to see what's up) she had gone ice skating with one of her co-workers, just the two of them. Now, I taught her how to ice skate and bought her the ice skates she uses. Ice skating had become one of our regular activities as a couple, but I'll admit I stopped being as excited about it as she was and usually ended up upsetting her when I told her I didn't want to go. This was a mistake I'm kicking myself for.

I was not cool at all with her going ice skating with one of her male co-workers, again, because I felt threatened that she was looking for happiness I couldn't give her. I made this known, again, but she went anyways. Two days later she broke up with me. It's been about a month, and I'll admit I've broken every rule in the "post breakup handbook." I know I came off as desperate the days, and even weeks, following the breakup. I got frustrated when she ignored my calls and texts. I got angry when I did get her on the phone and things didn't go my way.

She had explained to me that for the past year, she was sacrificing who she was as a person to make me happy, and that it just wasn't working anymore. She was too unhappy not being able to be herself. She was too unhappy not having a significant other who loved and shared all her interests. And, in her own words, she was tired of the "Rules" I had in our relationship, as far as her not talking to other dudes online and stuff. I can't stop feeling like, had she sat me down a year ago and explained this to me, we could have worked through this. Instead, the problems only manifested themselves in the heat of arguments, and I would promise to change and stop putting the things she likes down, but I would end up failing in doing so.

After repeatedly being on my knees, contacting her every other day, I have gone cold turkey and stopped contacting her. From what she has told me, I have no reason to believe she will ever contact me again, other than to give me some of my stuff back. What was been so extremely difficult and upsetting is having no indication of her feeling guilty, or regretful, about us not being apart. Nor have I seen any indication of her missing me, or having a hard time getting through this. I've told people around me - it feels like she flipped a switch and was a totally different person after she broke up with me. This morning I learned the hard way that the phrase "ignorance is bliss" is very true - I decided to check her Instagram and saw that she had a fairly sexy photo submitted in The Chive. It made me nauseous. I don't know whether to be sickened and angry by her moving on so fast, or to overanalyze and overguess why she would be driven to doing something like that - maybe she's just confused, maybe this is her way of acting out against the confines of a relationship, I don't know. All of that is wishful thinking.

I mean, I know that I have no reason to be in love with somebody who has told me she has no feelings left for me. She has told me that, and that she has no love for me anymore. I know it's illogical to still want to try with someone who has given you no indication of them wanting the same. I know it's crazy to still love and want to be with somebody who would go posting flirty photos online so soon after breaking up. A part of me feels like she doesn't deserve me, even though I admit I made a number of mistakes in our relationship. Someone told me that I won't be able to get through this until I reach a moment of clarity - where my conscience and my sub conscience both align. Consciously, I've tried every trick in the book to move past her. I've surrounded myself with friends. I've picked up old hobbies again. I've began looking at other women. But sub consciously, even after ALL of this, my heart still feels this tremendous gravitational pull toward her. Even though she told me she has no love for me, I just feel in my gut that it was a lie. Two months ago we went on the road trip of our lives together, and the love in her eyes was real. It really was. So I feel in my heart that somebody who felt love for me so little ago still has to feel SOMETHING toward me.

Sub consciously, I feel in my heart I still want her. I know we can't be friends - we know too much. I know a "fresh" start as a couple won't work - again, we know too much and I can't just forget what has happened. I just want her back, so I could prove to her I love her enough to work through our problems. I want a second chance so incredibly bad but feel like the sun has already set, and it hurts like hell. I wouldn't wish how I feel right now on my worst enemy. The pain always creeps back in when I analyze what she has said, what she has done. I know that so much of my heart is stuck on wishful thinking and romantic, in-your-dreams sequencing. I don't know what to do. I think of her constantly. I miss her warmth in bed. I miss the way I felt when we kissed. I miss her cats. I miss her in my passenger seat. I miss the passionate love we had together. And.. I see her in everything. Down every street, in every store. We've been in all of them together at one point. I need help.

[4 ratties]

Everything your feeling is normal. It's only been a month. Honestly, you will probably feel this way for a couple more months, she was a big part of your life. You need to keep no contact and do not look at her websites. That's only going to get you upset. I know it's hard but u have to try not to. People grow alot from high school to college to adult life and it sounds like she decided to grow without you. Communication was the problem here. You said she didn't sit u down and tell u how she was feeling a year ago. That's a big problem. She should of came to her bf of 2 years at the time and told u how she felt but instead she decided to join websites and find happiness elsewhere. Having her own life and friends is very healthy but it sounds like she was using it more to get happiness she wasnt getting from u which is the wrong way to go about it. When a relationship is unhappy the last thing u should do is distract yourself from it and hide how u feel which is what it sounds like she did. On your part, u sound like u feel guilty for not ice skating with her. Idk how u treated her. But no matter if u did not give her enough attention, it's still no excuse for her to turn from the relationship and not let u know what's going on. She may of fallen out of love with u and just didnt want to even try. I don't know her so I don't know. Accept that it is over. No more begging or showing her your weakness, you can get through thjs. You just continue the grieving process and I promise u will feel better about all this someday.

[Wakeup]

Here's how I see it:

I can't stop feeling like, had she sat me down a year ago and explained this to me, we could have worked through this. Instead, the problems only manifested themselves in the heat of arguments, and I would promise to change and stop putting the things she likes down, but I would end up failing in doing so.

You would promise to change and stop your pattern of indifference and resentment but you didn't so don't blame her for not talking to you about your attitude. Obviously, if you promised to change then she DID sit you down and explained to you.

I think you should stop concentrating on her and start working on you so that once you've healed from this breakup, you don't end up pushing another person away. You appear to be depressed, at the very least totally unmotivated and not so much glad you are alive but rather just happy you're not dead. Huge difference.

You'd do well to talk to a therapist about your general state of mind and forget about women for the time being. As for your ex. She apparently was over you long before she left you. The foundation of your relationship was chipping away slowly as you lazed about only complaining because she was happy to be alive while you were indifferent to hers and your own happiness.

Start learning to be the best YOU that you can be. Start doing that by forgiving yourself then convincing yourself that there is more to life then trying to control others while you sit around doing nothing hoping that they'll be just as happy to take on your penchant for being unmotivated and unhappy in general.

The pain always creeps back in when I analyze what she has said, what she has done.

You'd get better sooner if you analyzed why you didn't do anything when she tried to motivate you. Why you needed to forsake what you used to have fun doing with her (skating as an example) She didn't do anything wrong other then to stay with you longer then she should have while trying to form a more exciting life without you.

What was been so extremely difficult and upsetting is having no indication of her feeling guilty, or regretful,

She has no reason to feel guilty or regretful. From your own words it's clear that she tried to get you to start enjoying life with her but you fought her in that regard at every turn. Do seriously think about getting some councelling sessions under your belt. Your umotivated to improve and content in your misery even though lament about it. (by all accounts).

I just want her back, so I could prove to her I love her enough to work through our problems. I want a second chance so incredibly bad but feel like the sun has already set, and it hurts like hell.

Look at it this way, she was in your life for a reason (certainly not a lifetime) and that reason was to get you to look within and fix your current state of 'glad you're not dead.' It's time to switch that up to 'happy to be alive.'

You're looking at your breakup as you being the victim when you were the author of your own fate. Work on YOU and forget her. Time to stop looking in the rearview mirror.