Zero Tolerance or Not?

[Ginger2013]

Just looking for opinions please.

Short version: I was with my bf for just under a year. When we moved in together in July, he showed his true side, verbally and emotionally abusive to me, I forgave and forgave, finally moved back to my apt after a few weeks, didn't speak to each other for 2 weeks, he got serious with therapy (hasn't missed an appointment), meditation, the gym, bettering himself etc...I took him back. That was roughly 2 weeks ago, I live at my place, he lives at his.

We got into an argument over something that was never solved before this mess happened...but I know he held back from how he used to call me names, curse and screech. He's been distant ever since, I know something is brewing and he wants to let loose, he's not, but I'm afraid it's inevitable.

I guess I don't trust him yet and I have that old feeling of needing to walk on eggshells.

My question is...if you were in the same situation, would you allow a slip up or go zero tolerance, one angry word and you're gone? I don't want to be the doormat again, but I don't want to be a dictator either. I do love him and he is making progress.

Or on the other hand, am I preparing too much for what's probably going to come? I guess it's the lack of trust affecting me at this point. Do I need to chill out? His distance is bugging me. I've asked about it and got the "nothing's wrong" response, which is obviously b.s.

[searock]

I wouldn't want to be with someone that made me feel that way, even if he were getting better. Relationships are supposed to make you feel good, safe, loved. If they don't, if they actually make you unhappier than you would be if you were single or with someone else (even hypothetical), then they aren't worth it.

[Wakeup]

I think you don't see the forest for the trees. Instead of seeing that he didn't lash out at you (which is an improvment) you're seeing that he wanted to but just didn't. (everyone gets angry, disappointed etc.. it's how they handle those things thats important. Hopefully, when he's blown off steam the two of you can come up with a means to resolve whatever it was.

He's only been going to therapy for a few weeks and I think it's going to take sometime before he uses tools his learned to curtail his anger and reactions. You said yourself he's making progress and I agree, not schreeching is progress albeit a small one.
Get the book Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus and it will tell you that men tend to cave at times when they have things going on in their minds.

If you want to stay with this man, then you're going to have to go through his transitioning with him. Either that or leave and perhaps when he's "perfect", you can try for another re-do.

Don't get me wrong, I don't think you should put up with any type of abuse but in this instance, he actually varied from his usual pattern of being angry and mean.

I think you'd do well to get your own therapy so that you know how to handle your own reactions and now lack of trust that he'll not revert back to being abusive.

I also think that the two of you really could work on your communication skills.

[namemyname]

I think you should not date him for 6 months, go complete and total NC, and THEN get together and see how he is.

But, it's also my experience that dynamics like this don't change, even with the best of intentions. He's abusive because that's what he learned, and that's how he's conditioned to behave. He hid this from you for months, and eventually, he showed himself.

I'd be exhausted waiting for the shoe to drop, and I'm sure he's seething that he can't react as he's patterned to.

[basilandthyme]

Sorry Ginger, I wouldn't be in the same situation; I wouldn't give him another chance.

[TablesandChairs]

What is he holding back? If he has an issue, can he not talk to you about it in a normal, non abusive way? Like 'Hey, lately this has been bugging me...lets discuss'. Controlling your anger isn't about holding things in, it's about learning how to express negative feelings and problems in a healthy way.

Two weeks or however long is much too soon to tell if he will a) stick to therapy and b) actually change as a result.

[michelle23]

youve only been together a short time and he needs therapy to control his anger and abuse. do you not think he had years to change before he met you but never did. my guess is hes only doing this now to get you back and as soon as he thinks your his, he will go back to his old ways.

id be walking in the other direction and never looking back. men are like buses. get rid of one and another comes along ten mins later. why would you waste time on a man who needs years of therapy in order to learn how to treat you right? you could v easily find a man whose everything your trying to force him to be

you need therapy for your co-dependency. your already being a doormat giving chance after chance.. you cant change him! he is what he is so either stay and prepare for the worst or go now. your choice

[Wakeup]

youve only been together a short time and he needs therapy to control his anger and abuse.

He's getting that therapy you recommend he get but he's only been going for a few sessions.

No, she can't change him but he's getting councelling that will help to change him IN TIME. She herself claims he's making progress.

You are not being a doormat ginger. You left him for his behaviour and now, since he's getting help you're giving him another chance. That is not being a doormat. If he doesn't change after getting anger management and councelling, then in your mind you'll feel free to leave and you wouldn't have to ask us if you should. ... but to leave after one disagreement where he changed up his M.O. from his usual abusive self seems pre-mature to me. Your call what you do, of course but you are not being a doormat and he wasn't being abusive other then to go into cave mode rather then resolve which, after discussion about how going silent isn't helpful to either of you to resolve issues, he'll hopefully learn.


Communication skills are important. However if you don't have the intestinal fortitude and patience to see how he has/will improve then stop seeing him after you've told him you think he'd do better working on himself alone.

[Wakeup]

it's also my experience that dynamics like this don't change, even with the best of intentions. He's abusive because that's what he learned, and that's how he's conditioned to behave. He hid this from you for months, and eventually, he showed himself.

.

Tell that to HIA and lets see what he has to say about it.

[Valixy]

No relationship would survive with zero tolerance, but I know what you mean Ginger.

Truth is there is no perfect partner or relationship and everyone tolerates something every now and then, if not no couple would ever go past the first six months.

I agree with Wake Up. He is trying, which is a lot and he needs time. It's up to you if want to stick with him for a while or you're too affected by what happened before and couldn't do this comfortably, or you'd simply prefer to be on your own and have a chance to meet someone without this kind of issues. But any second chance requires some patience and tolerance, in my opinion.

[Exeter19]

slip ups are going to happen, no one is perfect and placing too many boundaries will hurt what ever new start you are having. if he knows how you feel, it looks like he is monitoring his behavior for you as not to hurt you, let him cope in his new way, and then talk. looks like he is trying for you, even if you know he 'wanted' to blow up, he didn't. isn't that progress.

[Boisdevie]

I'd dump the fecker and find a nice guy without 'issues' - they do exist.

[Ginger2013]

Thanks everyone for your support, I read all of your responses and thought about the whole thing before I approached him again. I think I'm just afraid of how he used to be...not like, physically afraid for my life, but afraid he might go back to the same tantrum-like reaction that would force me to leave him again. I was so nervous because it was like our first "test" to see if he would handle things differently. I told him all of this and we had a really good discussion. He opened up and told me that his impulsion almost got the better of him, that he wanted to tell me everything in anger because the stress he was feeling by holding it in was making him panic and the way he always dealt with that in the past was to lash out at whoever was right in front of him or just walk away and angrily ignore the person for days (which he did to me often back then). He knows that doing these things makes it all worse and only creates resentment. So, his realization and reaction is definitely progress and I'm pretty proud of him.

You're all right, it's only been a few weeks, and I love him so I will stick by him. Just to be clear, he is definitely doing this for "us", but he is mainly doing it for himself, he does want to be a better man because he realized how his behaviour has burned so many bridges in the past and he wants to stop that pattern.

The zero tolerance thing I instituted was basically to keep me from becoming that doormat again, allowing him to talk to me in any way he wanted, with the cursing, and screaming and insulting that is. If he started that again, it would be over.

Thanks again, you guys comforted me a lot yesterday when I was super anxious, not knowing what was going to happen. xx

[Valixy]

Just wanted to add, Ginger, that any tolerance/second chance principle, should have zero importance if you continued feeling uncomfortable with him. You deserve to feel safe and loved.

[HeartIsAching]

What kind of therapy is he getting? How often does he go? If it's once a week, I'd suggest that you let him know to call you after a minimum of six months of therapy.

Domestic Violence intervention group therapy worked for me, and worked well... but they warned us that it'd take 4-6 months for it to really start sinking in, and it did. I had an epiphany and paradigm shift right at 4 1/2 months. He may never have that epiphany - there's no guarantee it'll work... but six months is the minimum you should allow for significant change.

And yeah, that old "walking on eggshells" feeling is a familiar one - I wasn't the only abusive one in that relationship. It's part of the cycle of violence: