Am I being unreasonable?

**ACaseOfYOu** · 06-09-13, 07:47 AM

Hello,

Please can somebody give me an honest opinion? I have been in a relationship with this guy since June 2012. To start off with we got on wonderfully - there is a lot of love between us (although to be honest - for me - that is waning) his children love me (and I adore them) and my child adores him.

BUT then he started doing things that have really, really hurt. We met online and he insisted that we both stop talking to anyone online, which I did and thought he had too. Only too find out months later that he was still regularly in contact with a woman from the site - he kept getting texts late at night and wouldn't tell me who they were from. Eventually, he did tell me and made a big fuss about the fact that I didn't trust him and that he had decided to stay in contact with her because he knew nothing would happen.

I had a health scare last year and put on about a stone in weight which I am struggling to shift so I am now a size 14. Just after this, he took a potato masher to me to tell me that he was "mashing out the fat" (although he himself is rather portly). He made several comments about my appearance and body (he liked redheads - I'm not) and then earlier this year that he thought I had small breasts and a round waist. All of this upset me profusely and I left him, but was talked back into a relationship with him and we went to relationship counselling.

Since then he has apologised profusely and said that so much of it has been a bad sense of humour on his part, but he won't apologise for the comments about my body shape as he says that that's just how he sees my body and it is just his personal opinion (even though I am a 34F - he says they've measured me wrong) - it doesn't stop him thinking I'm attractive or desiring me.

I can't let it go. I feel so hurt by all of it. and keep bringing it all up - I just want to understand why has he done what he has!? Just lately he has just been silent when ever I have tried to talk to him and he says it's because I just keep going on and on and anything he says just makes it worse. He says that I am being unreasonable and ruining the relationship by going on about things and that he is trying to change (he has recently started therapy) but I won't give him a chance.

Moreover, I put so much effort into the relationship - doing things with his kids, sending emails for him and printing things out (he doesn't have a PC); we don't live together but I cook for him often and just seem to spend all my spare time running around doing things to make his life better for him.

Just seeing all this in black and white is quite sobering actually, but is there anyone here who can look at this from a guy's point of view.

Many thanks

**BackUpOrGetStng** · 06-09-13, 08:29 AM

You are absolutely being unreasonable. He shuts down and stops talking because no matter what he says, you will just keep bitching and twisting his words, so he stays silent to keep from giving you more ammo. He shouldn't have to apologize for the way he views you. He says he still finds you attractive. Either break up for good, or shut the **** up.

**Starnique** · 06-09-13, 08:47 AM

Yeah, you do need to either get over it or move on. I can understand being pissed about the late night text because he lied about it. He was a liar at that time. If he talks about your weight and he's not as toned neither, then jive back. I would be like, when's the last time you worked out? Give him a hug and tell him you feel a little spare tire. I'll bet he won't do it again. However, it is his honest opinion which he's entitled to and obviously he is attracted to you because if he wasn't, he wouldn't be with you. I think you're making too much out of this. It's over with so stop focusing on that or move on. That was so last year.

**basilandthyme** · 06-09-13, 09:12 AM

You say the reason you keep bringing up the issues is because you want to know 'why' he thought what he did. Thing is, very often we don't know why we do something. Sometimes, the reason is nothing more than 'I didn't think'. It's very likely that he doesn't know why and that you'll never get the answer. With this in mind...and because he's doing therapy....I suggest that you let the past go and start afresh. But this doesn't mean that you have to accept future bad behaviour.

Oh, and if you resent all the things you're doing for him, then stop doing them. Let him buy his own computer and do his own errands. Let him cook his own meals. Tell him that you'd like him to cook for you, say, once a week. But don't keep doing things which are causing you resentment. If you want balance in the relationship, you need to communicate your needs.

**ACaseOfYOu** · 06-09-13, 05:47 PM

Originally Posted by basilandthyme

You say the reason you keep bringing up the issues is because you want to know 'why' he thought what he did. Thing is, very often we don't know why we do something. Sometimes, the reason is nothing more than 'I didn't think'. It's very likely that he doesn't know why and that you'll never get the answer. With this in mind...and because he's doing therapy....I suggest that you let the past go and start afresh. But this doesn't mean that you have to accept future bad behaviour.

Oh, and if you resent all the things you're doing for him, then stop doing them. Let him buy his own computer and do his own errands. Let him cook his own meals. Tell him that you'd like him to cook for you, say, once a week. But don't keep doing things which are causing you resentment. If you want balance in the relationship, you need to communicate your needs.

Thanks so much for this. It's good advice. Especially about the resentment. I will have to work on my guilt and on navigating the guilt trip if I do less for him - at the moment his kids won't spend time with him unless I'm there because of his mood swings and anger (which he takes out on them as well as me and the primary reason he's in therapy) so if I spend less time with him, he'll see less of them and I know he'll blame me for that. But it's a vicious circle, the more I do for him, the more resentful I get and then the more I get upset about it and we get into a horrible thing.

So, yes - breathe - and stop doing so much for him. I have a tendency to be over responsible so I really need to look at that.

Thanks very much.

**ACaseOfYOu** · 06-09-13, 05:49 PM

Hi,

This is great advice about the spare tyre and about letting go and moving on. Thanks very much!

Originally Posted by Starnique

Yeah, you do need to either get over it or move on. I can understand being pissed about the late night text because he lied about it. He was a liar at that time. If he talks about your weight and he's not as toned neither, then jive back. I would be like, when's the last time you worked out? Give him a hug and tell him you feel a little spare tire. I'll bet he won't do it again. However, it is his honest opinion which he's entitled to and obviously he is attracted to you because if he wasn't, he wouldn't be with you. I think you're making too much out of this. It's over with so stop focusing on that or move on. That was so last year.

**basilandthyme** · 09-09-13, 12:24 PM

Hon, his anger issues should be a deal breaker. Yes, it's good that he's getting therapy but if he can't control himself around his kids.... And then blaming you if this means he cant see them as often...... you should be heading for the hills.

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