Hello,
I need some advice this evening as I sit in my room and ponder everything that has occurred to me this year. Okay, I'll make a long story short and get to the "good stuff" - I was with a man for four years from 2008-2012; We had lived together for three of those years and we were engaged for two of those years. Before the end of our relationship, he and I grew very distant from one another. Sadly, as much as I hate to admit this, while we were going through a rough patch I kissed another guy (someone I worked with), but guilt overwhelmed me and I confessed almost instantly. My ex was definitely upset with my actions, and that lead to the downward spiral that was our breakup. However, I found out after we had split that he had been cheating on me for the last 6 months of our relationship with a girl who used to be his "rebound" - He would tell me he was going to spend the night with his father, or his brother, and I was gullible enough to believe him... Little did I know he had actually been camping out at HER house and sleeping alongside her at night. He had been doing this before I kissed my coworker. Anyways, the day after we split, he moved out, made it "official" with her, moved in with her, and screwed me over on all of the mutual bills and whatnot. Messy breakup. We shared our exchange of foul words and insults, quit talking, and many months passed by before he and I had apologized for ending on such bad terms, and decided to remain at least "civil" with each other. SO it's been over a year now, we talk to each other every once in a while, usually short, pointless conversations... Nothing fancy. He is still with her, and I recently ended a relationship that I was in for almost a year with someone who was the very definition of a loser. Last month, I found out my exs' girlfriend had cheated on him while he was away for a month, so (because I do still care for him) I told him, and showed him the proof I had that she had done it. He seem jaded by it. Angry, even. So our conversations begin to pick up more. Details in said conversations went from casual, friendly talk to dark, intimate secrets. He then had said he would love to see me again sometime, and asked me what my work schedule was that next week. So that next week, he came over to visit. I hadn't seen him in a year, and he wanted to see me! I was ecstatic. To make things more complicated, he stayed the night. The first thing he did was kiss me when he saw me. We made love several times that night. I didn't know until the next morning that he had to lie to get away with spending the night at my house - that's right, he's still with the other girl. He then came over again (this time for a few hours) two days later, and we made love again. A week after that, he told me he couldn't keep being physical with me because he felt wrong about his actions. It broke my heart. He knows I am insane about him, that I would do literally everything and anything for him... He was my first love. I told him that he had mislead me, because he knows how I feel for him. He called me crazy and told me to get over myself. He said we could remain friends, but nothing more. Well this week, he has been over twice, and we have made love several more times (he initiated it). Is he just messing with me? He's told me that he is still in love with he, but he doesn't know what he wants, and that he regrets us breaking up with me. I guess I don't get it. I've been waiting in purgatory for him, and I am wondering at this point if it is even worth it. Sorry to drone on, but, he really has a grasp on me. He has gotten me so depressed with his actions that once (last year), I attempted to end my life. Stupid, I know. I am just so confused. Any input would be great.
Thanks.