Suddenly noncommittal

[bulrush]

But recently I find that I don't even know if I want kids...I've never actually had a feeling that I wanted them - I just figured it would kick in eventually.

Wow, never assume anything on something so big. That's a huge decision. Don't have kids unless you are sure you want them.

I have to admit that in the past months I haven't felt satisfied sexually. I think it mostly has to do with my mental state of being attracted to my boyfriend. When I met him I thought I had fallen into heaven and met the most gorgeous attractive man I would ever meet. But to be honest, when it came to sex there was never a big spark. It was in no means bad sex, but I never felt like it was explosive and passionate.

This is a tricky one. Do YOU have to have that spark? Because it's pretty hard to find, with all the other features you want. Or is this something you can compromise on?

I recommend people date at least 10 different people before getting married. Only with enough experience do you really know this person is "the one". You can't possibly know that unless you have more experience. You sound like you are suffering from lack of experience, that's why you are unsure. If you are unsure, DO NOT GET MARRIED. Period. It will not last. And don't let people pressure you into marriage either.

[smackie9]

Apple you are not the first one to come here and say "I feel different about my BF/GF because I have a crush on my co-worker, my friend, the guy are the park, the lady that works at the coffee shop etc. Throughout your life, you will meet (more than once) someone that sweeps you off your feet. The feelings you have are normal. Crushes will come and go as long as you aknowledge for what they are.

But if you don't feel there is a future with your BF, then yes move on.

[Maple1714]

Been where you are a few times....

From the ages of 17-26 I had 3 serious relationships...back to back...all about 3yrs long. When I was 26 I wanted to be single for the first time in my adult life, so I broke up with BF I was living with. Well, we broke up for lots of reasons...but I was looking forward to being single and living alone for the first time in my life. It was great, but it only lasted about 5 months :/ I wasn't even really single then either....I was in 2 short lived relationships those 5 months. Then, I became pregnant and now have a 2yr old. I didn't think I ever wanted kids either. I remember sitting at the dinner table telling my parents I didn't think I was going to have children, all the while I was sitting there a few weeks pregnant! I didn't know yet obviously.

My advice - break-up with your BF if you really desire that change. You say you are curious as to what else is out there...you are even crushing on someone else. This is enough at the age of 25 to explore single life, IMO. You also need to focus on having an orgasm...b/c that will plague you in any relatiosnhip, mainly the relationship you have with yourself. Ask yourself, why can't you "let go" and orgasm? Whats is mentally holding you back? Maybe the issue is physical, but probably not. Single life will probably not be what you expect, but if you want to meet new men this is the time to do it. Don't settle and don't worry about the having kids thing, you'll figure it out when the time comes. Who knows it might be a surprise? Life typically doesn't turn out the way we expect... that's why when we are able to (young/kid free) we should take advantage of that time to be "free" and explore many things, including romance with different people

[applewinds]

So many different pieces of advice.

I think at this point I'm going to stay and try and work on spicing up things in the bedroom. If there is a problem in trying to do that over the next months then I will reconsider. I think if my current BF is willing to try new things and open up in that department then I can't really turn that down - as a former poster wrote, "you rarely get 100% of what you want in a relationship". I have all but sparked sex right now. We used to have it so I'm thinking it can come back. I just need a new approach...

bulrush - your advice on dating at least 10 different people before marriage is nice ideally, but how do you do that and expect to keep the one you think is good for you? Maybe he is number 5 or number 3? I think I get the general point of this, but these kind of things boggle me.

There is so much pressure in a break-up. What will your family and friends think? Both of our families love that we are dating and practically think of us as married. I know it's not about them, but this just makes it that much harder. Plus he has been helping pay for most of the rent while I try to pay off student loans. He says its an investment of our future, so I can be less in debt later on. It's very sweet of him, but I feel that will be held against me if anything were to happen. Blech, money problems.

Thank you everyone for your opinions. Each one of them mean a lot to me and I will think about them over the next months. I'm not ready for a rash decision, but this definitely has me thinking...

Thank you all!

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Stop talking to the other guy completely.

[Maple1714]

I think at this point I'm going to stay and try and work on spicing up things in the bedroom. If there is a problem in trying to do that over the next months then I will reconsider. I think if my current BF is willing to try new things and open up in that department then I can't really turn that down - as a former poster wrote, "you rarely get 100% of what you want in a relationship". I have all but sparked sex right now. We used to have it so I'm thinking it can come back. I just need a new approach...

Hmmm....You are ignoring some key things here. You haven't been able to give yourself an orgasm, so how do you plan to get "the spark" back in the bedroom with your current BF? It's like Smackie said, your brain releases certain chemicals when you have an orgasm....for women this is directly linked to creating a stronger emotional attachment/bond with their partner. Your lust/infatuation with your BF has well worn off by now...you can't really get that back unless you can somehow make yourself mentally & physically orgasm. You are not allowing yourself to fully let go and give yourself over to him yet...even after 4.5 years.

It took me a long time to orgasm with someone else. I could always do it myself though. I can't even remember now if my first BF ever gave me one? I kinda think he didn't. Anyway, I have from time to time blocked myself mentally from going there with whomever I was dating. It's like an unconscious defense mechanism. You gotta figure out why you are holding back....really this is the first step in figuring out all of this. What are you afraid of?

[TablesandChairs]

If you can't have an orgasm when you do it yourself, he stands no chance. I'm not sure how you can have some amazing sexual spark without an orgasm. Sure, you don't have to have one every single time, but never? That must be sucky for him too - most guys like to feel like they can please their partner in that way.

You have a good guy on your hands by the sounds of it and let me assure you, the grass is not always greener. My friend dumped a great guy because she thought she could find cuter/richer. Long story short, she did - but he's also an abusive a-hole. She regrets things now - big time - but he's not married with a child on his way. Didn't take him long; some girl realized she was onto something.

So, ask yourself - how would you feel if you dumped him and he later went on to marry/have a family? Or, worse still...if, after a few sexual encounters, which will more than likely not be as amazing as the ones in your fantasies...you want to go back but can't?

Exiting from a good relationship needs plenty of consideration.

[applewinds]

If you can't have an orgasm when you do it yourself, he stands no chance. I'm not sure how you can have some amazing sexual spark without an orgasm. Sure, you don't have to have one every single time, but never? That must be sucky for him too - most guys like to feel like they can please their partner in that way.

You have a good guy on your hands by the sounds of it and let me assure you, the grass is not always greener. My friend dumped a great guy because she thought she could find cuter/richer. Long story short, she did - but he's also an abusive a-hole. She regrets things now - big time - but he's not married with a child on his way. Didn't take him long; some girl realized she was onto something.

So, ask yourself - how would you feel if you dumped him and he later went on to marry/have a family? Or, worse still...if, after a few sexual encounters, which will more than likely not be as amazing as the ones in your fantasies...you want to go back but can't?

Exiting from a good relationship needs plenty of consideration.

You hit the nail on the head!

While I know my orgasm is something I need to figure out for myself, I also do just want to have overall better sex.

I asked him last night if we (specifically saying "we") could try just "refreshing" our relationship by trying to treat each other a bit more like we did in the beginning. Say for instance less teasing, bickering, criticism, intimacy of areas we don't always want to hear/see, to try and let the romance be there a bit more.

Seeing your S/O go pee in front of you or fart, whatever those little tiny things are, seem to get to me after awhile. I used to be very laid back about it, but now I think that's bitten me back because it's ruining my perception of him. He agreed to try to do so. We'll see what happens.

But in the end I think you are right and this is what my gut has been telling me. Don't leave something good in hopes of finding a fantasy.

I can keep reading my erotic novels to get that fantasy anyways.

[TablesandChairs]

You're in the 'comfortable' stage, which is normal but yes, it has a few 'passion killer' drawbacks. You can work on that. In the meantime, think of the positives. I met my current partner a year ago...in the first few months, I couldn't even go to the toilet when he was around...I got really constipated as a result lol It's not so bad being comfortable around each other.