How do you turn the switch off?

[Legen_dary]

Hello guys, this is my first time posting on this forum, and I have to admit that I am a bit nervous. But I really need some advice on this matter, and I would be appreciated if both men and women answer to my question honestly and simply. Now, if you have time, please read my looooong boring story and let me know what you think! Thank you.

First before I start, let me introduce myself a little bit. I am a South Korean guy who moved to the United States for high school and college education. I was 15 when I moved there, and currently I am 22 years old. My parents also lived in the States for a long time, so culturally, I am more American than I am Korean. You might have noticed this already, but English is my second language. I have no problem communicating in English, but I still make few grammar mistakes sometimes. I hope you understand. So there is a girl that I am currently friends with, but I like her very much. In fact I am in love with her. However, I think she just want to stay as friends for time being, and I want to stop having feelings toward her for her sake. How do I turn this special feeling into just platonic friendship? We have a long story, so if you're interested, please read it before you comment. Thank you.

During the first year in college, I met a very special girl who made me feel emotions that I have never felt for any other girl in my life. The funny thing was that I wasn't in love with her the first time I met her. Honestly, I don't remember exactly when I fell for her; it just happened without me even knowing. The problem was that she had a boyfriend at that time. He was abusive and very disrespectful toward her. She and I talked quite often, sometimes even all night. And one night, she told me things about her boyfriend and how he treats her. As a friend, I consoled her, and I made her feel better about herself. I didn't realized this until later, but she had a major low self-esteem issue due to the way her boyfriend treated her. I tried my best to change her mind about herself, but it seemed like my words were only droplets of water against a massive stone.

Now, many girls would have just left a crappy boyfriend like him, but this girl... she didn't. Mainly because she loved him so much, and she is very compassionate. Just like I wanted to help her self-esteem, she wanted to help her boyfriend, and I respected that. At the end of the first semester of our freshmen year, she left our school and transferred to another smaller one which her boyfriend went. Not only that, she moved in with him. Many people called out including myself that it was a bad idea. But as much as she is compassionate for another person, she is also very stubborn haha. Eventually she moved out, and I was devastated; I was already in love with her. Right before she left, I told her that I liked her. I know I shouldn't have, but I couldn't keep myself quiet anymore. She felt sorry for me, and she hated herself for doing this to me.

Throughout the second semester, I tried my best to get over her. I met some girls, but I couldn't get myself attracted to any of them. I was completely head over heels for a girl who wasn't even there anymore. Then one day, I got a text from her that sometimes she wishes that she was with me instead. My friends told me to just forget her and ignore her texts, but I couldn't do it. I loved her, and I was still her friend, not to mention that she was going through some serious **** thanks to her boyfriend. We kept in touch, and she and I saw each other few times.

During the summer of that same year, they eventually broke up. I was surprised even though I saw it coming from a kilometer away. (Sorry I use metrics ) Even though I wanted to ask her out right away, I decided to wait so she can heal from the breakup first. What I didn't know until later, was that she had couple of sexual relationship with another guy after the breakup. Even though that shouldn't have bothered me, it did. Eventually my sophomore year started, and she came to visit me. (She never transferred back after the breakup) That day I kinda tried to let her know that I was still interested in pursuing a long relationship with her, and that night we ended up cuddling. The feeling that the girl of my dream was finally in my arms was amazing. That weekend went pretty fast and when she was leaving to go back home, I went in for a kiss...only to be rejected. It was so awkward and I was very ashamed. I felt like I just wrecked a completely good friendship. Later we texted again and she was cool about it... like way too cool about it. I was relieved but also very confused.

Next couple weeks I had some serious thinking to do, because I wasn't going anywhere with her. I looked for a way to get over her to no avail. I finally decided to take the advice that so many of my friends gave me long time ago: to completely forget and ignore her. To this day I regret this move. I shouldn't have done it. It both hurt her severely and myself as well. The night I told her that I couldn't be her friend anymore, she cried, and we had a bitter falling out. Although it was painful, I thought it was necessary and that it was the end.
After few months, I ended up getting a girlfriend. A very nice girl actually. I was happy except that the whole time I was in this illusion that I was in love with her and that I was over with my past. The other girl kept trying to reconnect with me though, and I kept pretending that I didn’t want to, until later when I thought it was “safe” now to be her friend again after all that bull**** I pulled on her. We met once in a restaurant with one of my male friends and few days later, she sent me a text that the reason why she rejected me that day was because she was afraid of hurting me. She told me that she wasn’t entirely sure if she actually liked me, so she didn’t want to rush the conclusion. She seemed very sad that now I was taken and there was no chance for her..
We saw each other again at a party one night, and I am still not so sure how I feel about that night. It was a great night in a sense that I finally kissed her, and a horrible night that I cheated on my girlfriend. My girlfriend at that time eventually found out because I ended up telling her out of guilt and we broke up. She asked me a cliché question of “me or her?” and I chose the girl from the past by hoping that she would be the girl of the present and eventually, of the future.

But no, the universe hates me and there was a huge obstacle in the way: the conscription. Here is the thing: every able South Korean male has to serve in the Republic of Korea Amry for two years, and my time was up. It was about to halt my life for 2 years. Even though we both knew that this was coming at some point, when it was actually there, we had no choice but to put a hold on our relationship. She didn’t want to risk hurting us, and I wasn’t going to let her be lonely for 2 years. It wasn’t that we were afraid of cheating on each other, it was that we weren’t sure where we were going with our lives. And even though I shouldn’t have been interested in knowing her personal life, I was still very nervous about her meeting someone.

One day I heard a rumor about her and another guy while I was under the influence, and we had a huge fight because of me. It was just a rumor, so I was being such an immature idiot. Even after all that however, she promised that she would write letters for me while I was in the Army. I felt very bad. She was always considerate, and I was acting out for my own selfish reason. I was the classic “Screw you for putting me in the friendzone” guy. Not to mention that the whole friendzone is a myth created by us men. I apologized to her for everything I’ve done, and I promised to be a good friend that she truly deserves. And now I am back in Korea. I join the Army in three weeks. We still frequently talk to each other on Facebook, and I am really trying my best just to be her friend. Because that is what she really deserves. And honestly, I need her in my life as much as she needs me in hers. Still though, we sometimes talk about the possibility of getting together and flirt with each other. One night she even told me that she wanted me there and then. Well, the feeling was mutual

I am not sure if we can truly be just friends. We constantly miss each other, but the universe is against us right now, and I am afraid of getting hurt. Lots of things can happen within two years. Of course I wouldn’t be meeting any girl, but she will always meet new people. And she is very attractive and compassionate; guys will line up to be her man. I shouldn’t care about whom she meets and whom she might possibly date. But I still do, and I want to stop being jealous for her sake. What should I do? How do I just shut the switch off and just be her friend?

Thank you for reading this long post. I feel bad for making you guys read all this. Your constructive criticisms are welcomed, and I want to thank you in advance for good advice

[anonymous_a]

Wayyyy too long.

[anonymous_a]

Need to know basis here.

[4 ratties]

I read your post. Honestly you guys aren't married so being seperated for two whole years; she is probably going to meet someone and that is going to be painful for you once again. I hope u grow in these next two years and can be happy without a girl in your life.

[Valixy]

You say that she has always liked you, missed you and wanted you in her life but the truth is that it was never the same way you wanted it. I am not saying that girls can't have doubts about their feelings for a guy but not to this extent. When it goes on for so long while she's in a relationship and single again, it's pretty clear that she doesn't feel for you the same way you feel about her. Honestly, when a girl likes a guy she will go for a kiss, especially when there is so much confidence and history as with you two...if her heart is the right place too. It's up to you if you want to keep investing your feelings into someone who doesn't love you back the same way.

She isn't compassionate for putting up with a guy who treats her badly, she is immature, misplacing her feelings and has some self-confidence issues. Try to see her behaviour for what it is, demystify her and stop making excuses for her just because you have also made the mistake of misplacing your feelings... in her. It won't be easy for you to cut contact with this girl while you have no other distractions being in the army, but the two years long training will help you put this behind you. Try chatting with other people or girls online and distance yourself little by little for your own good sake. She will most probably start another relationship in these two years and if you don't renounce to these false hopes by then, you'll be heart broken, something that a soldier does not really need to go through.

You can't turn off the switch right away, there's no magic you can do, but you can take little steps that will help you become realistic and let this unrequited love go: give yourself time, make friendships with the new guys, meet new people whenever you have a chance in real life or online, become passionate about something and invest the little time you have in something you enjoy and you'll feel better little by little. Remember that this is temporary and you will be free to meet other girls when you finish the army and you'll have all your life in front of you and you will for sure make better and happier choices then.

[Legen_dary]

You say that she has always liked you, missed you and wanted you in her life but the truth is that it was never the same way you wanted it. I am not saying that girls can't have doubts about their feelings for a guy but not to this extent. When it goes on for so long while she's in a relationship and single again, it's pretty clear that she doesn't feel for you the same way you feel about her. Honestly, when a girl likes a guy she will go for a kiss, especially when there is so much confidence and history as with you two...if her heart is the right place too. It's up to you if you want to keep investing your feelings into someone who doesn't love you back the same way.

She isn't compassionate for putting up with a guy who treats her badly, she is immature, misplacing her feelings and has some self-confidence issues. Try to see her behaviour for what it is, demystify her and stop making excuses for her just because you have also made the mistake of misplacing your feelings... in her. It won't be easy for you to cut contact with this girl while you have no other distractions being in the army, but the two years long training will help you put this behind you. Try chatting with other people or girls online and distance yourself little by little for your own good sake. She will most probably start another relationship in these two years and if you don't renounce to these false hopes by then, you'll be heart broken, something that a soldier does not really need to go through.

You can't turn off the switch right away, there's no magic you can do, but you can take little steps that will help you become realistic and let this unrequited love go: give yourself time, make friendships with the new guys, meet new people whenever you have a chance in real life or online, become passionate about something and invest the little time you have in something you enjoy and you'll feel better little by little. Remember that this is temporary and you will be free to meet other girls when you finish the army and you'll have all your life in front of you and you will for sure make better and happier choices then.

Thank you so much for your reply. My friends only told me to just move on, but they never gave me how to do so like you explained here. I always knew in the back of my head that she doesn't love me back like I love her. But I always believed that if I become persistent enough, that she will changer her mind eventually. I think I still somewhat believe this notion, but just like you said, lots of things can happen within 2 years, and I see now that there is a higher possibility of me getting hurt than us getting together. Like I said, I am keep going to try to just see her as my friend, but I don't know if I can eventually move on especially if we are going to exchange letters. I wish I knew what she wants from me exactly, because to me her wish is priority. I've hurt her enough already.

[HopeAlive]

Thank you so much for your reply. My friends only told me to just move on, but they never gave me how to do so like you explained here. I always knew in the back of my head that she doesn't love me back like I love her. But I always believed that if I become persistent enough, that she will changer her mind eventually. I think I still somewhat believe this notion, but just like you said, lots of things can happen within 2 years, and I see now that there is a higher possibility of me getting hurt than us getting together. Like I said, I am keep going to try to just see her as my friend, but I don't know if I can eventually move on especially if we are going to exchange letters. I wish I knew what she wants from me exactly, because to me her wish is priority. I've hurt her enough already.

I'm sorry you're wrestling with so many thougths and emotions on this, friend... I know that can be difficult. You said that you wish you knew what she wants from you exactly. Have you asked her this?

[Valixy]

When a girl wants to flirt with you or is interested in you as a partner, you'll know. It's not something that one could easily try to hide or would really want to do that. This girl's behaviour is pretty clear but your confusion comes from the fact that you always interpret it with a sense of hope, as you admitted. A girl who is in love with you does not continue a relationship with another guy, does not move in with him, does not call you to speak about the break up but sleeps with another two guys, does not reject you a kiss after a night of cuddling, nor does she finally kisses you only when you have a girlfriend.

The only possibility to make this girl want you after being friendzoned for so long, would be to completely and genuinely forget about her, treat her with indifference, make no special effort for her, find yourself another girlfriend and she'd come to you, like she did the last time. But you're going to be in the army for the next two years, so you will naturally distance yourself from her.

I think that she simply is someone you liked very much for a few years but she already belongs to your past in a way because you're beginning a new time in your life now. You'll see things differently when you finish the army and I think that you'll meet the really important girls then too.

[Legen_dary]

I'm sorry you're wrestling with so many thougths and emotions on this, friend... I know that can be difficult. You said that you wish you knew what she wants from you exactly. Have you asked her this?

Thanks, and yes. I asked her about what she wants, but she said she doesn't really want to be in a relationship for now. It is crazy to be in a long distance relationship now, especially if she is not sure how she feels about me. I just wish that she was more clear about her feelings toward me, but I don't want to ask her that upfront too you know? :/

[Legen_dary]

Thanks. I do hope that I can start anew after the military. It is pretty clear that she is not in love with me. I mean, she never told me that she is, and her actions show that as well. The thing is though, she quite often sends signals that she has some sort of feelings toward me. My birthday was few days ago, and we did chat a little bit. And she mentioned how she misses the night that we cuddled, and how thinking about that night gives her butterflies... It's the little things like this that give me hopes. But still, I know that I was never her first choice, and I'm starting to believe that I will never be. I know this is pathetic and not confident at all, but I am that confused right now.

[Valixy]

The thing is though, she quite often sends signals that she has some sort of feelings toward me. My birthday was few days ago, and we did chat a little bit. And she mentioned how she misses the night that we cuddled, and how thinking about that night gives her butterflies... It's the little things like this that give me hopes.

If she has courage to tell you these things, she would also have the courage to speak to you more clearly about her feelings for you, should those feelings exist. She is flirting, playing with words, experimenting her power of seduction with you but she isn't in love with you nor does she want a relationship with you. Nothing wrong with that as long as you are on the same level but you aren't. Be smart, let go, find your peace of mind again and move on with your new life.

[Legen_dary]

Thank you for your advice and support. I really appreciate it. I know that I should really stop pursuing her like this, because the mere thought of her being with someone else when I get back terrifies me, and I don't want that stress in the Army. Army itself will present me many challenges and pain.

[HopeAlive]

Thanks, and yes. I asked her about what she wants, but she said she doesn't really want to be in a relationship for now. It is crazy to be in a long distance relationship now, especially if she is not sure how she feels about me. I just wish that she was more clear about her feelings toward me, but I don't want to ask her that upfront too you know? :/

I see... Well, hang in there friend! God has good plans for your future. Praying for you.

[Legen_dary]

UPDATE: I just learned that she got a new boyfriend. So I guess that seals the deal and answers my question. I am heart broken, but there is a small part of me that's also somewhat relieved; at least now I know what to do. Now I really know that I was never, and will never be her number 1, and she won't be my number 1 either. Thank you everyone for your support.

[Valixy]

It may not look like an ideal situation at all but it is all for the best and you'll be able to see this as soon as you succeed to detach of the past with her, because when you will let this go, you will feel so much better that you won't believe it. Nothing compares with the emotional freedom and the peace of mind, except loving the right person for you. Good luck!