advice wanted

[single_chap]

Hi

I am new to this forum but have something I wish to get advice on.

I dated a girl some 30 years ago, we went out for nearly 3 years so it wasnt just a quick date. We finished our relationship at the age of about 20 and went our separate ways, she went on to marry three years later and I did the same to another girl 3 years after that.

Until recently I had not seen her, but found out she was going through a divorce, which started about a year ago. I left my wife some 8 months ago and only 3 months ago made contact with my ex girlfriend and after some conversation through facebook, decided to go for a drink...

Things moved on and we contacted each other through text and talk regularly on the phone. She has had a hard time in the last few years with her husband, and she tells me how upset she gets because of the divorce.
I have started to get feelings again for her, and when we go out, she displays all the signs that she feels the same way, playing with her hair, keeping eye contact and laughing at my poor jokes.. yet she told me she just wanted to be friends....

This week she came round to my house, tidied up for me and we sat and watched a few films on the sofa with lots of contact, but no kissing.. We have spent about 3 hours on the phone and have been out for a drink, where I thought the chemistry was all there. i thought about leaning over and kissing her, but do not want to scare her away, so refrained, but now I wished I had..

I sent her a text telling her how i was feeling and she replied she just wanted to be friends only, however i dont thinks she would have said anything different anyway. I have never been phased by females before, and have worked on the idea that if they say no, then accept the rejection and move on...... this seems to be something difficult to me and I dont know why I am feeling this way over an ex girlfriend

does anyone have any sensible advice..

[basilandthyme]

Single_chap, I feel for you. I hate when people do the lots of physical contact thing and then say they want to be friends. Talk about mixed messages!! People who are 'just friends' DON'T have lots of physical contact.

As she's been firm in wanting to be friends only, I think you need to work out what you want. You've really got 2 choices:

1. have her as a girlfriend (and not accept anything less)
2. have her as a friend and endure unrequited love

Now the latter reeks of masochism - so if it were me - I'd go for the former. In your situation, I'd tell her that being just friends is too painful for me and that I need to cease contact in order to recover. If she's upset about missing you as a friend, tell her that she can have you in her life if she will be your girlfriend...but that if she doesn't want a relationship then she needs to understand that you need time to forget her.

Unfortunately, no matter what you choose it's going to be painful. Unless she changes her mind about being a girlfriend when faced with the thought of losing you.

[JasonHinton]

Ohh it's really complicated situation.