Help me! Should I stay or should I go?

[sarahdaly24]

Hi,
I'm new here and this is my first post. I'm currently in a 5 year and 6 month relationship with a man I am very much in love with. I don't like speaking on behalf of other people but I believe he feels the same way about me. We've lived together for about 3 years now and we constantly talk about our future together (kids, marriage, a nicer home, etc). However no matter how much we've discussed it he hasn't made any effort to move our relationship forward. To be frank I want to get married and I've told him as much several times over the past year and a half. Every time I bring it up he seems like its something he would be interested in too but he still wont commit to me. I feel like every 5 months we have the same conversation about marriage, and each time I vow that I will leave him if he doesn't commit to me by a certain date, and each time I just cant make myself leave. I don't have anyone else to talk to about this. Please, someone tell me, am I wasting my time?

[TablesandChairs]

Well, it's possible you're wasting your time, it's possible he's just a commitment-phobe, its possible he doesn't want to marry you or anyone. You have to ask him bluntly and be adamant you expect a real answer. You've been together long enough.

Then again, my friend waited 11 years to for her partner to propose...it was a long wait and she was teetering on the edge of breaking up with him. He finally agreed to kids when she was 36 and luckily for her, she fell pregnant easily...other women wouldn't have been so lucky and may have missed their window of opportunity.

[Boisdevie]

each time I vow that I will leave him if he doesn't commit to me by a certain date, and each time I just cant make myself leave.

HE's not taking your threats seriously because you're not prepared to leave. So get a grip, put on your big girl pants and end this because it's not giving YOU what YOU want. Or continue with things the way they are and stop whingeing like a kid.

[RedWingInCo]

Thanks for sharing - men are a complicated lot, I can say that because I am one! LOL. Just to let you know that men often put more stock on what you do than on what you say. You can tell him you will leave if he won't commit all you want but until he comes home and finds you and your stuff gone, it's just words to him. Often times a woman has to create a "crisis experience" for the man to respond. I recommend a book called "Love Must Be Tough" for more answers about your situation. There is also a website called Boundless designed for singles and has lots of helpful information.

[Maple1714]

Why do you feel the need to get married? Personally, what is it about marriage that makes your union with him more "real"? I've been asking myself these questions a lot lately. I say, don't push things...just live day by day and if you both are happy isn't that all that matters? OR deep down do you feel like he is only with you out of convenience and you need marriage to prove to you that its more than that? Only you can gauge how he really feels. Have a real honest heart to heart conversation with him.

[basilandthyme]

Thanks for sharing - men are a complicated lot, I can say that because I am one! LOL. Just to let you know that men often put more stock on what you do than on what you say. You can tell him you will leave if he won't commit all you want but until he comes home and finds you and your stuff gone, it's just words to him. Often times a woman has to create a "crisis experience" for the man to respond. I recommend a book called "Love Must Be Tough" for more answers about your situation. There is also a website called Boundless designed for singles and has lots of helpful information.

I hear you. And I've experienced when a guy won't do anything till the 'crisis situation' arises. But now that I'm old, I wouldn't bother with a guy who needed things to get that dire before he acted. What I've learned is that by the time it gets to crisis situation, the relationship will be too damaged to salvage.

I think women need to include a space on their checklist for "a man who acts before the relationship is broken"

[basilandthyme]

Sarah, his actions show that he's not interested in marrying you. But he's quite content to live with you.

If discussion was going to solve the issue, it would already be fixed. Therefore, there is no need to raise it again. It's time to accept how the truth and make the stay or go decision without further pointless discussion.