I need some advise, please! -Sorry so long!

[paradiseruby]

Hi members, first of all, thanks for reading! I am in need of some real solid advise.

I little about me, I've been a single mother of 2 kids for 6yrs ,whom are now 8 and 10yrs old, and I love my kids very much, they are my world as any parent feels.
I met a guy 3 years ago with 16yr old and 18yr old, and we became a blended family about 2 yrs ago when we decided to all move to Texas
and live together for the first time. I immediately got a job in Texas, and we all moved out there because of his job relocation. The first 2 weeks in Texas was very stressful, and the third week we got in a huge fight and he told me to "get out of HIS house". We ended up resolving this and "making up", but then
two months later we got in another huge fight and he told me to leave again and get my own place, because he couldn'd deal with my son (who has very mild autism on the spectrum), and my (8yrs back then) son "farted" at the dinner table and though I and all the kids including his, thought it was a bit funny, he did not. As he threatened me with sending cops and dumping my stuff out on the street, I ended up calling my boss of my new job and gave her my resignation, packed what I could in my car, my kids, and drove back to Colorado. What ended up happening was him flying out to Colorado and telling me he was sorry, and was very persistent. As I love him, I ended up coming back after calling my boss back and begging for my job back. I ended up leaving my kids in COlorado with their Bio father (as I was going to in June for the summer) anyways and it was just 2 weeks earlier, it was a very difficult 2.5 month summer, which i will never forget.

Fast forward to now, almost 2 yrs later, and I'm still having issues about the incident. Much has happened since, he ended up deciding to move BACK to colorado, even though I didn't want to and only worked for 9 months, so had to quit my job with no job waiting for me (worse mistake of my life), also he got on medication which has made our turbulent relationship more calmer. However, other things are surfacing, such as being very bossy to my kids, having very high expectations from them, while not requiring anything of his children which are older, telling me at one point because I couldn't find a job in my field and still looking, that I need "to get your s*** together", causing me extreme stress and pressure. Also he buys his kids very nice things and it hurts me that I still don't have a job and can't get my kids things either. I feel terrible because I'm beginning to resent his kids which are really not responsible for "our" issues, and I don't want to feel like this anymore. I need a job badly, and I feel trapped, stuck, and falling into episodoes of feeling extremely low, depressed, and to the point of just running away. He makes very good money, and helps me with gas, toilettries, license registration, etc, but nothing ever really for my kids unless it's eating out and includes me. I pay for the food after he convinced me I needed to apply for Food Assistance, so I did to lessen the burden on him.

Members, does he really love me, or am I just an accessory for this man? Or am I just going nuts because I'm suffering from the "unemployed syndrome" which kills your self esteem. I feel like an outsider between him and his kids also, e.g, I'm the last to know about his/kids family events. I also feel very isolated since I've known him, he discourages me from going out, as he's not outgoing unless it's with his friends for family. I used to keep in touch through facebook with my sis, but we would get in huge arguments over it, so.....I had this thought that if I won a million bucks I'd get my own place just to have a sense of peace of mind which I feel I have not had in 3 years. I feel like he has slowly and meticuolisly drained me of everything in my life, and I don't even have the strength, confidence, willpower or financial resouces to get out even if I wanted. Or do I stick this out, and this is just a normal part of a loving relationship phase that will resolve itself again?

[basilandthyme]

A normal part of a loving relationship phase? Hon, who are you trying to kid?

The question of his love for you is not part of the equation here. All that matters whether or not you're satisfied with the relationship. Have you got anywhere you can go for short term accommodation? Siblings? Parents?

And looking for a job "in your field" is not good enough if you want out. You need a job - any job - to get yourself financially secure again.

[Agnus]

Well, your story is quite typical for a woman who relies too much on her husband. To fix such issues I used to advise praying the Lord on a regular basis. Now I tell everyone to pray Mother Mary. She's awesome. You should have your "own place" in your head first. Then you'll get it in actuality when invisible becomes visible. Wonderful advices. Almost nobody listens.

[Agnus]

[Valixy]

It's strange that you refer to yourself as a single mother but then you say that you met this guy 3 years ago and you became a blended family 2 years ago. Maybe the present moment is very difficult and you're very hurt by his behaviour but it sounds as if you've never really seen him as a father figure for your children and you've all tried but you never really got to have that feeling and closeness you were hoping for.

I can't give you an advice but I can tell you what I would do if I was in your situation. You could think that because I don't have children I'm not qualified to speak about this but I know for sure that I wouldn't put my children through all that stress for a man. I would prefer to be a single mother even if me and my kids would have to struggle with some things, less money, holidays, etc. Maybe I would have my occasional boyfriends on the side who would have no word about my children and unless I met a really wonderful man, I wouldn't have a serious relationship until my children were mature and independent enough. I would prefer my children to grow up without a father than around someone who is making an effort to fully accept them and support them. It would be less selfish of me and they would simply feel happier and more relaxed on a daily basis and that has no price in a child's life.

[paradiseruby]

Good observation Valixy, I'm really no longer a single parent anymore, but you're right, emotionally I am. My spouse travels a lot throughout the world and is gone for long periods of time, 1 week to sometimes a half a month, his next travels will be for 4 months, so yes, I'm sort of a single "blended" mother, as he is gone a lot and I have ALL the kids to care for. I thought about what you say, it may be easier to be a single mom again to just my kids, but it's hard as they have gotten close to their stepfather, and I've gotten close to his children, though sometimes I wonder if they want me out of the picture. There has been times it's been really difficult, and sometimes I feel it's a "family feud", his side against my side, and shouldn't be that way at all! He blames my kids for things, then I call him out on similair things and ask him to please stop targeting my kids only. I think the rules should abide by the whole family, not just my kids. My mother says I'm no better then a slave, and that reasonated with me. I need to get finanacially stable, that would help, but the last job I had he made it so difficult I had to quite, and the one in Texas he made me leave, so wondering if any job i tried to get he would somehow try and comprimise it. I have very few options, my mother has a someone already living with her, and my sister whom I was once close with doesn't talk anymore as she doesn't like my spouse....I think I really messed up, but honestly, I didn't even realize this till recently, like a frog in slow boiling water you know.

[Valixy]

You should choose a good moment and have a private honest conversation with your two children. IMO, the rough start you had when you all moved with him 2 years ago, the way you've felt since then, becoming more and more isolated and unhappy, the constant my kids/your kids differentiation he's making, could not have affected only you but not your two children, unless you believe in miracles. You're unhappy and they might be just as unhappy as you are or even more and forced to continue with a family life they never asked for and never really needed. Hopefully you will find a job soon and you'll feel more confident about making the life changes you need to do in a while.

[basilandthyme]

Ruby, your sister may well welcome you with open arms if you were to leave your spouse.