Complicated Rebound

[BobxMarley]

I was in a 5 year relationship that I ended about four months ago. I rebounded within a month after the breakup with a girl I had been friends with for many years. For the first three weeks everything was amazing. I was really happy being with her. Unfortunately, my unresolved emotions from my prior relationship caught up with me. I felt like I couldn't pursue my new relationship until I moved on from these emotions. In order to do that, I felt like I needed to be alone.

I apologized to my rebound girl and asked if we could go back to being friends. I explained to her that I needed some time to resolve these emotions so I could pursue this new relationship 100%. She was really sad and angry at first but we ended up staying friends for about a month. We created distance but we still texted and emailed each other quite often.
Last week however, she told me that we need to break contact. I didn't really agree with this but I told her I would respect her decision. It’s been two weeks now without contact. I've thought about her every day since and I've been sad about the current state of things.

I really do love this girl and I’m afraid of losing her. However, I also don’t want to jump back into a relationship before I feel emotionally ready. I told myself that I should resist contacting her until I'm ready to commit to her again. I feel like I'm close, but I want to be absolutely sure. Can anyone give me a third person perspective on my situation.

We are both 26.

[TheEvilJester]

I think that you have the answer you are trying to find, even though it may not be the one you want. Let me first extend my sympathies. It always stinks ending a relationship, especially one that lasted a while.

Unfortunately, hindsight is always 20/20. You shouldn't have started a relationship with your friend before giving yourself some time to heal from your other relationship. Trust me, though, I think we can all relate. It can be hard not to jump into something you think could be great. However, if you had waited, you could have remained friends and then maybe tried to make something more of it down the road sometime.

Hopefully the reason she could not go back to being just friends is because she still has feelings for you. If that is the case, then you may still be able to restart the relationship once you have had time to fully heal. Just don't expect her to wait forever. However, given the fact that she has told you she cannot be friends anymore, I would highly recommend you do not try to contact her again, at least until you fully heal from your past relationship and decide what you want out of your relationship with her.

If you are able to fully heal, and then decide you do want a relationship with her, then that is a good time to reach out. Heck, pour your heart out. Tell her you are so sorry that you started a relationship with her when you really were not ready to move on, because you think you and her really could have something special. Tell her that you still think you could. Hopefully she will still feel the same way.

If you find that, after fully healing, you think you and her are best to remain friends, then I would suggest you tread somewhat more lightly. I think one last attempt to contact her may be okay. But, just put it very delicately. Again, I would profusely apologize for starting a relationship with her without giving yourself the proper time to be ready. In that case, tell her that you really cherish her and her friendship, and you would hate to lose that, but that you think you should remain friends. In this case, though, it would also be best to tell her that you fully understand if she can't do that (and best if you mean it as well). It can be hard to go from being long term friends to being in a relationship and then back. So, you can't necessarily expect her to be able to do that.

Either way, good luck. I hope you find what you are looking for in life.

[BobxMarley]

Thanks Jester. I broke her heart when I told her I needed time alone. I think it was really hard for her to relate to my situation. Even despite my best efforts to explain it to her. It eventually became too hard for her emotionally to remain friends. Therefore she broke off all contact. I did send her an email the day after she requested to break contact. In that email I apologized to her and subtly told her I care about her. Its just overall a weird situation. I adore this girl and I can't stop thinking about her. But yet I know I can handle a relationship just yet. I just really screwed up on the timing of this whole thing. But, the future is unwritten. I'll continue down the path of focusing on myself. Hopefully when I am ready, she will understand and will be accepting.

[TheEvilJester]

Good to hear it. And I surely hope it works out for you. As I said, hindsight is always 20/20. Don't beat yourself up too much about having rushed it. Sure, you should have waited, but it can be hard to realize that at the time. Plus, sometimes you do the right thing and life decides to kick you anyway. I, myself, learned that the hard way recently. I got out of a long relationship (long as a relationship, relatively short as a marriage) that was truly no good for me, and took me way too long to finally realize it. I healed a lot more quickly than I expected (probably because the relationship had been over in my own head for so long, but I just didn't admit it to myself and tried to tough it out longer thant I should have). I found myself having a crush on a girl pretty quickly...

But I knew the timing wasn't right, so I decided to wait until I could have some time to myself, and make a few important steps into my new life. Didn't work out so well for me. I was laid off (along with a bunch of other people) and unfortunately didn't know the girl well enough to keep in touch. (I've since, thankfully landed in a much better job. Knock wood, I hope it remains that way).

Sorry. I can be a storyteller. Didn't mean to hijack your thread. Just illustrating that you really never do know in life. So back to you...

I truly do wish you the best. By the very fact that it broke her heart that you needed some alone time, hopefully that means she still has feelings for you. And, though it is never good to break somebody's heart, at least you can say you did not do so intentionally or carelessly. You truly had the best of intentions, you just should have perhaps known yourself better and given yourself more time. I hope, in time, you are able to find what you want in life, whether it is with her or somebody else.

[Maple1714]

You did the right thing. Hopefully in time, your "friend" will understand why you cut things off. You obviously care about her a great deal to step away like this. From her perspective I am sure she feels hurt. She may even feel used and think to herself you don't love her, or else you wouldn't let her go right? When in actuality you have a lot of love for her and you're trying to be mature and do right by the situation. You are being mature about this and that's great! I had someone I was in love with do this to me. I loved him desperately, but he wasn't over the heart break of a girl he was involved with before he met me. We tried being just friends, but neither one of us could do it. I couldn't handle just being his friend. He was the one to initiate the no contact and I respect him for that. He told me he just couldn't give me what I wanted...which was all of him. Maybe one day we will be able to come together again who knows?

Your friend will be ok. I have a feeling things aren't over for you two yet. Take your time and heal properly and if she's still open to a relationship with you later down the road make it happen.

[marijanana]

I had the similar situation. I broke up with my boyfriend, we were together for 3 years. Relationship ended two moths ago. Immediately after break up I met awesome guy and fell in love with him. When i was with him, everything was great, but when I get home I felt awfull, I felt like something is suffocating me and i had bad feeling in my stomach. I felt like I was doing something wrong. I do not know what happend with me. I told him that I am not ready and that I am not there yet, and he cut me off. He told me we need to break contact also. I wanted really badly to be with him, but in that moment I only wanted to get rid of that awfull feeling. Now I am alone for three weeks now and I cry a lot, I cry every day because I miss him so much. It is really ironic cause I don't think about my ex, I think about that guy all the time and I fell torn apart.

[BobxMarley]

@Maple and @Jester you guys are awesome. I really appreciate your input. It helps to have the perspective and experience of others during confusing times like these. It convinces me that I'm on the right path. Thanks and I wish you guys happiness in your pursuits.

[Agnus]

I told myself that I should resist contacting her until I'm ready to commit to her again.

You can't do that. Resisting will automatically bring you to the Past and you will meet funny guys who are sometimes called demons. If you want to get rid of your anxiety you should do other way round. Contact her as often as possible so that she could be overwhelmed. If she fails to catch up to the flight of time, then she will get into the Past and demons will torture her instead of you. I think it's obvious.

I really like some ideas of the Natives.

[Cerby]

You can't do that. Resisting will automatically bring you to the Past and you will meet funny guys who are sometimes called demons. If you want to get rid of your anxiety you should do other way round. Contact her as often as possible so that she could be overwhelmed. If she fails to catch up to the flight of time, then she will get into the Past and demons will torture her instead of you. I think it's obvious.

I really like some ideas of the Natives.

What are you talking about Agnus, please for the love of whatever diety you praise, do not post this kind of ridiculous content, it isn't advice.

[Maple1714]

I can see what Agnus is trying to get at...I think anyway. There is danger in going no contact when there are lingering feelings and no real closure. People can get caught up in an obsessive cycle of no contact, seeing the person, no contact, seeing the person...etc. I say, if you really care about someone don't just totally cut off all contact until you're certain you don't care about them ever being a part of your life again. If you're not sure and you still care, no contact might not be the best option. Playing devils advocate here.

In my situation, the no contact has never really been that...hoping this time it sticks.

[TheEvilJester]

For the record, Marijanana, I think you did the right thing as well. It sounds like you really needed time to allow yourself to heal and move on from your other relationship before you started a new one. Any time you are single and somebody comes along who makes you feel like you could really have something, it is hard not to act. Sometimes, though, it is best to give yourself time. No matter how much you may think you are okay after a break-up, you don't really know that until you give yourself time to move on and heal. You could think you are okay, only to get into a new relationship too soon and realize you are not.

I am so sorry to hear you had to learn that the hard way. On the plus side, the mere fact that you don't think about your ex and now only think of the new guy you weren't quite ready is a good sign that you may be over the past relationship. It still isn't a guarantee, though, because it could very well be that you are just focusing the bad feelings on a different person now. So, you really do still need to give yourself some time. In time, maybe a relationship with the new guy could work out. But, you have to understand that you also can't expect he may wait forever. You can't rush your own healing process. If fate seems determined that perhaps you and he not be destined for one another, then all that means is Mr. Right is still out there looking for you.

As hard as it can be to accept, sometimes life brings us certain people just for a specific reason, and then they are gone when that task is completed. It could be that life delivered this guy to you as a way to show you that you will be okay after your past relationship. To help you to move on and be ready for whenever the true Mr. Right shows up. Or it could be that Mr. Right is him. Only time will tell. Trust me, I know how you feel. As I mentioned with my situation, there was a girl who showed up in my life when I felt it was too soon to move on. If not for my own healing, more for the fact that it would have been wrong to enter a relationship without taking time from the last one. Unfortunately, my chance to pursue that was taken from me. It could be that life just sent her to me to help me heal and show me I'd be okay. Perhaps I am destined for somebody else. But, it sure is hard to feel that way when you just want to get to know the person you met, hoping they could maybe be the one. We will both get there in time.

I will say this, I would give him a little bit of time first. When you are ready to move on, that is when you contact him again. Or, at the very least give yourself some time to decide if you think you truly do want to be with him (or at least give it a shot), or if it may have just been a reaction to your break-up. When you and the new guy did break it off, did you give him some insight into how you were feeling? Did you tell him that you think you and he could have something, but that you need time to heal? If not, after giving it some time, it may not hurt to let him know that you do want to be with him, but think it only fair to both of you if you allow yourself time to heal first. You can't expect him to wait forever, and you should even make that clear to him. But, simply tell him that you hope that fate sees fit to bring them together when the time is right. At least that would let him know that you are interested, but just are not in the position right now to start a new relationship. If you haven't made that clear, he could just think it was a rebound situation.

Either way, good luck. Take the time for you that you need. Hopefully when you are finally able to come up for air, you will find the man of your dreams, be it this new guy, or perhaps even somebody you have never met yet.

[IndiReloaded]

I think Angus is one of those robo-posters. Not too bad, it sometimes gets it right.

[TheEvilJester]

Well, I will say, the few posts I have seen by Agnus maybe haven't been helpful, but they have been awfully funny. I am quite enjoying them so far.

[marijanana]

The Evil Jester, thank you for your kind words. I told him that I am not ready and that I want to be with him and that I need more time. I told him that we could have something special and asked him if he can wait for me, but he told me that he don't want to wait for me cause I don't know when I will be ready. I also told him that if he wants us to work out, that things between us must go slowly. But he didn't want to do that. And it hurts me a lot, cause I think that if he is soo into me, he would wait a bit longer.

[TheEvilJester]

I am sorry to hear that. As difficult as it can be to accept, if he cannot wait then it could just be that he is not the right guy for you after all. Don't get me wrong. I don't mean to say that he should be able to wait for you. That can be hard for a person to do. So, that isn't saying anything bad about him. However, you also shouldn't think of it as any kind of reflection upon you. You cannot think things like "If he cared enough, he would be willing to wait." The fact of the matter is, maybe he is just the type of person who doesn't feel right waiting for somebody. Heck, you don't know, maybe he even had a bad experience in doing that and wouldn't want to go through that again.

So, it is unfortunate, but there is not much you can do about it. That said, it also doesn't mean there is no hope. Give yourself time to heal. Again, you do not want to rush that. However, once you do heal, once you are ready, no harm in trying to reach out to him. If he is still single, it is possible he could still be interested in you. It may just be that he didn't want to wait, not knowing if you would ever truly be ready, or just keep him waiting forever.

As I said before, either way, good luck. I hope you find what you are looking for.