Caught between two guys, absolutely lost

[Paradigm90]

Hi everyone.

I'm usually not a sharing type of person, but I feel absolutely lost and confused right now and I need an opinion and advice. I have not told anyone of my current situation, and I hope you could help me.

About a month ago I broke up with my boyfriend of 2 years. The interaction between us had been bad for months, with 2-3 fights taking place every day on a regular basis. At the time I felt like us breaking up was absolutely the right thing to do, and as the days went by I was more and more confident in my decision.

About a week after we broke up, I met a new guy (who we'll call "D"). D was everything my ex was not - mature, relaxed and rational, devoid of any tendency to be over-dramatic and emotional. I was not looking for anything serious, especially so soon after a break up, but this guy was so incredible and our connection was so immediate and profound that I could not think of anything, or anyone, else.

But then I realized my ex and I had a flight to Europe booked for early October (exactly a week from now). At first I was complacent about it - I saw it as a minor annoyance which I was sure I'd be able to solve in a matter of hours. Turns out, what we booked was a non-insurance flight without the possibility of cancellation. I tried sending e-mails, calling, begging... nothing works. The bigger problem was that I already paid for both of our tickets with my credit card (around $700) and my ex claims he will not pay me back for his half unless we fly... together. It's emotional blackmail.

Now, throughout the last couple of weeks, D and I have turned into a full-blown couple. We go to dates, I've met his friends, he sleeps over 2-3 times a week... all while I have a trip to Europe planned with my ex in a week. I do not want to go on this trip, I tried desperately to cancel it, but as a student, a part-time worker and a tenant of an apartment that takes up 50% of my salary, I cannot afford to throw $700 in the trash.

Yesterday my ex and I met, by his insistence... and he was absolutely charming. He was sweet, kind, level-headed... in short, everything I always wanted him to be. We kissed and we slept together at night (though I did not agree to have sex), but I was incredibly distant and cold, I could not look him in the eye, and he did not understand my depression. I kept thinking about D, and how much we have grown attached to one another, and how I could see a future with him... but there was my ex, suddenly transformed into a lovely and considerate guy, my ex who I am supposed to fly with to a romantic vacation in Rome in a week, my ex who I still have deep feelings for.

What am I supposed to do? How can I explain my romantic vacation with my ex to my new boyfriend? How can I go on a romantic vacation with someone who has hurt me so profoundly over and over again, when someone else occupies my mind?

I would be absolutely grateful for any advice you may provide me with, because I am trapped and confused.

Paradigm90

[lalalita]

I think you need to address the fact that you've already cheated on D with your ex. Is D aware of your interactions with your ex? This is no way to start a new relationship. Also, getting with someone new so quickly is almost always a rebound, especially with how you're acting. This new guy may really have feelings for you. It's not fair what you're doing.

You're infatuated with D. He's new and exciting.

Going on vacation with your ex is wildly inappropriate even if D wasn't in the picture. You'll get sucked right back in. Of course he's going to be a prince, that's what abusive men do when they don't have what they want. He'll go right back to his regular self in some time if you get back with him.

[Agnus]

What am I supposed to do? How can I explain my romantic vacation with my ex to my new boyfriend? How can I go on a romantic vacation with someone who has hurt me so profoundly over and over again, when someone else occupies my mind?

Funny vacation arranged by your ex but secretly paid with your credit card. I wouldn't find peace until the ex compensated everything. Just call the police, baby.

[Wakeup]

my ex who I still have deep feelings for.

What still? Even after he treated you like dog droppings and you were so over him you were able to bed a guy you met one week after dumping this guy that treated you like dog droppings? Really?

If you were all that an a bag of chips in the emotionally mature area of your life, you'd not see any men for at least a few therapy sessions under your belt and some personal boundaries formed which would improve the essence that is you.

This is what I think you will do in your current state of "Its all about me and how do I pull this off" You will lie to D and keep doing him while you go away and bop the arse off of Mr. Dog Droppings. Then you'll "entertain" the two of them until DD goes right back to being a douche, then you'll accept D until you really get to know him and find out he's not all he was originally cracked up to be. That's my guess.

However: If you want advice on what you should do, you should tell D that DD is blackmailing you and would he like to come along on the trip so that you keep things on the up and up. If he can't get a flight, then you cancel because whether you go or not, the money is already spent (even though you couldn't afford it).

Bottomline: Figure out why you want to be with or still have feelings for someone who treated you like shit.

[IndiReloaded]

Seems to me you care more about $700 than your own happiness. You would consider staying with a douche and drop what seems to be a very nice man instead?

Yea, women like you get what they deserve. Carry on, doll. Good luck with that life.

[smackie9]

Ya I was going to say....all this just to save $700 bucks lol wow!

Indi.....think about it.....who is actually the douche here?

[dem862]

Actually it's only $350. He was only going to reimburse her half. I've half a mind to offer to send her a check to dump the douchebag and never talk to him again, but I suspect the money is not the real issue here.

[Bootsie]

Ridiculous. Will only end in disaster. See if your new bloke will pay the other half and go with him instead if its just the money you are worried about. Or just take him on the holiday, forget the money and go and enjoy yourselves. If you are torn between 2 men always go for the second one, because if the first one had treated you in the right way and you both loved eachother there wouldn't be bloke number 2. Also if the first person tried to blackmail you then he sounds like a bit of di*k anyway.

[smackie9]

Ya I see the OP truly wasn't really honest. You don't all of a sudden fall for your ex and hop into bed with them again after one chance meeting.

[IndiReloaded]

Ya I was going to say....all this just to save $700 bucks lol wow!

Indi.....think about it.....who is actually the douche here?

Well, she's not going to admit that... see... alreadygone.

[Paradigm90]

Thank you everyone for the replies, I appreciate it (even the harsher ones - that's why I'm here).
First of all, I have shared the entire flight story with D and the drama with my ex from the very beginning - he knew exactly what kind of situation I was in. I think it's very easy to judge and accuse me and my ex for being horrible people, but all of this would have been much easier if he really was "dog droppings" - he's not a douche, he's not an insensitive asshole, in fact he's always been kind and loving, but we have lost the ability to communicate with each other over the last few months which caused all of our quarrels.

Yesterday we met in order to discuss and plan Rome, and also to "get back on each other's good sides" as he requested, in order to slowly rebuild our relationship so we could have the most enjoyable trip possible. He was absolutely charming, funny, sweet and without the ego that I have grown to hate about him. But I was not myself. After about an hour of random conversation in a coffee shop, I told him I can't go back to him. And I told him about D, how much I grew attached to him and how I can't see myself going back to the wild and unstable relationship we used to have. I felt horrible, he's been so sweet for the past couple of days, truly hoping he could restore the love and passion I had for him just a few months ago, but I just couldn't. He was so heartbroken and hurt when I told him I don't want him back, I just started crying like a kid. That never happens to me.

In short, I have made my decision. I decided to go with D, and both he and my ex are aware of it. I don't know what will happen with Rome, we cancelled the hotel and are apparently going to be there separately (yet on the same flight). I have told D about this, he's worried, and so am I, but there's only so much I can do. I wish I can be strong enough to resist the temptation of going back to my ex, I wish I could remember how much we have made each other suffer constantly over the last couple of years. I cannot see a future with my ex with the kind of abusive interaction we have with each other, so why is it so difficult for me to give up on him? All of you are right in calling me names and thinking little of me, I do feel like a greedy, hurtful and juvenile human being and I honestly think I don't deserve either of them with the way I am acting.

[IndiReloaded]

After about an hour of random conversation in a coffee shop, I told him I can't go back to him. And I told him about D, how much I grew attached to him and how I can't see myself going back to the wild and unstable relationship we used to have. I felt horrible, he's been so sweet for the past couple of days, truly hoping he could restore the love and passion I had for him just a few months ago, but I just couldn't. He was so heartbroken and hurt when I told him I don't want him back, I just started crying like a kid. That never happens to me.

In short, I have made my decision. I decided to go with D, and both he and my ex are aware of it. I don't know what will happen with Rome, we cancelled the hotel and are apparently going to be there separately (yet on the same flight). I have told D about this, he's worried, and so am I, but there's only so much I can do. I wish I can be strong enough to resist the temptation of going back to my ex, I wish I could remember how much we have made each other suffer constantly over the last couple of years. I cannot see a future with my ex with the kind of abusive interaction we have with each other, so why is it so difficult for me to give up on him? All of you are right in calling me names and thinking little of me, I do feel like a greedy, hurtful and juvenile human being and I honestly think I don't deserve either of them with the way I am acting.

Welcome to life. Based on your last post, I think you are absolutely making the right decision to move on with your new BF. Some doors are one-way and, as someone who has been where you are, I believe its best to end a relationship that isn't working on a positive note. I wish more people understood that breakups need not be acrimonious. You already said it: you communicate poorly and you've hurt each other b/c of it and what sounds like a fundamental incompatibility. You gave it your best, both of you. Sometimes nice people simply don't make a good relationship together and that is a perfectly okay thing to decide. Yes, of course there will be tears and hurt in the short term. But don't let that distract you from what is best for both of you in the longterm. Your ex deserves someone who is good for him, same as you deserve someone good for you.

I'm surprised you can't reschedule your flight. If I were you, I would try to get on a different flight at least. Your ex even wanting to go still is just plain weird to me.

You deserve happiness. Its up to you to go grab it, though. I wish you all the best.

[smackie9]

I feel so sorry for D........

[surfhb2]

I feel so sorry for D........

No shit! I would have stopped calling after hearing about all that BS

[IndiReloaded]

So do I but she's on her way to pulling her head from her ass, I think. At least I hope for both hers and D's sake...

I agree that if she truly loved D, she wouldn't even be giving her ex a 2nd thought. Something to consider. But yeah, he's probably just a rebound. Oh well, he's an adult making his own choices too.