Lost my virginity to this guy.. and.. now what.. Guys, help me out!

[sheenietee]

Ok, so I have been casually "dating" this guy for about a month or so and we had sex for the first time last Saturday (it was my first time, not his though) and the issue is, he didn't last very long and was embarrassed by it. I haven't seen him since but here are some recent texts. I'm 19 and he's 21 btw.me: Ohh I see. So.. are we hanging out tomorrow or no? It's okay if you don't want to, I understand if you're busy. Just wondering.Him: Really I'm not sure, it depends what kind of progress I make on the paper. I'll text you when I wake up and start working. Maybe we can get lunch or something.Me: Ok that's fine. Just so you know I did have fun last saturday if you're concerned about that or something. Honestly. And I'm sorry if I'm being awkward cause I'm drunk and most likely shouldn't be texting you.Him: You don't need to be, I promise. We will def hang out, I'm just busy with school.Me: Alrighty.. I should probably leave you alone now. Enjoy your night and good luck on your paper. Him: You're fine, talk if you want to talk silly. If something is wrong you gotta tell me.Me: Hmm well it just seems like you're avoiding me but at the same time I know you're busy. I'm probably just overthinking things though. What's on your mind? Be honest.. I'd rather know than be confused. Man, I really hope I don't sound like a fool right now lol.Him: You're fine, honestly I'm just embarrassed..,and I dunno what else, but it's not your fault so don't feel like a fool, you're not. Me: Well, honestly you have no need to feel embarrassed because I do like you and really did enjoy last saturday. I'm not judgmental and don't care about stuff like that. You're a confident guy and I like that....and there's no need for you to feel embarrassed.Him: haha well alrighty then.He hasn't texted me at all since then (2 days).. what happened? What should I do? He is a nice guy and he seemed sincere.. but yet now he won't even text to say "what's up?".



Update: I texted him today just saying 'hey, what's up?" and he responded right away saying "Just got done lifting, going to walk home and study for two tests. How are you" and the conversation continued pretty casually.. it's good he responded right away, right? Should I text him tomorrow asking if he wants to do lunch Wednesday or Thursday?

[Asip4u]

I think you have done all the talking for now and so you should back off for a bit. You want to find out if he still likes you and the best way is to give him some space and see if he calls you.

[Peter Pry]

I think you have done all the talking for now and so you should back off for a bit. You want to find out if he still likes you and the best way is to give him some space and see if he calls you.

I'm sorry, but this answer is thoughtless, lacks empathy, and propagates stereotypes. The problem is not that he's done with her now that he's had her. Men have feelings too, you know. The problem is that he was embarrassed over his premature ejaculation. He's humiliated over not being able to please the OP, and feeling emasculated because he feels that he has demonstrated that he is bad at sex. Ignoring him now would be a further blow to his ego, a confirmation that she no longer has any use for him, and would certainly end the affair.

Sheenietee, you've discovered that most people's first times are clumsy and last exactly 37 seconds. I promise, however, that it does get better. At this point, though, what you need to understand is that for you, the situation is now merely awkward. For him, he likely feels this humiliation and emasculation: far less of a man than he could or should be, because he knows that you know that he cannot pleasure you. Telling him outright that you like what he did to you is a good start. But if you want this affair to continue, lunch at Denny's when he finishes his paper is not enough, because it will not demonstrate to him that you still want him. That takes more than words, which can sound sour and patronizing in the ears of someone who thinks you know a horrible sexual secret about him.

The real secret is that girls don't come with an instruction manual and boys don't come born with the knowledge of how to please them, and yet they feel expected to do so the first time out. Boys need instruction and practice.

Go up to his apartment and tell him it's time to put the paper aside because you're ready to do it right this time. Show him that he really is man enough to pleasure you; show him to use his mouth and fingers first. Then, after or just as you're having your bit of fun, make love, and make sure he knows you're having a good time, which you will do, because you'll be ready to go.

[vashti]

I'm sorry, but this answer is thoughtless, lacks empathy, and propagates stereotypes.

Sorry, but I agree with Asip. She already stroked his ego - now it's time to see if he is gonna pull himself up by his boot straps or not.

[Asip4u]

I'm sorry, but this answer is thoughtless, lacks empathy, and propagates stereotypes. The problem is not that he's done with her now that he's had her. Men have feelings too, you know. The problem is that he was embarrassed over his premature ejaculation. He's humiliated over not being able to please the OP, and feeling emasculated because he feels that he has demonstrated that he is bad at sex. Ignoring him now would be a further blow to his ego, a confirmation that she no longer has any use for him, and would certainly end the affair.

Sheenietee, you've discovered that most people's first times are clumsy and last exactly 37 seconds. I promise, however, that it does get better. At this point, though, what you need to understand is that for you, the situation is now merely awkward. For him, he likely feels this humiliation and emasculation: far less of a man than he could or should be, because he knows that you know that he cannot pleasure you. Telling him outright that you like what he did to you is a good start. But if you want this affair to continue, lunch at Denny's when he finishes his paper is not enough, because it will not demonstrate to him that you still want him. That takes more than words, which can sound sour and patronizing in the ears of someone who thinks you know a horrible sexual secret about him.

The real secret is that girls don't come with an instruction manual and boys don't come born with the knowledge of how to please them, and yet they feel expected to do so the first time out. Boys need instruction and practice.

Go up to his apartment and tell him it's time to put the paper aside because you're ready to do it right this time. Show him that he really is man enough to pleasure you; show him to use his mouth and fingers first. Then, after or just as you're having your bit of fun, make love, and make sure he knows you're having a good time, which you will do, because you'll be ready to go.

My point was to be cautious. People love playing the 'therapist' on here and since you know so much, maybe you can explain to sheenie here when this guy decides he never wants to see her again. Some guys try to add to a resume by sleeping with inexperienced girls, it's nothing new. I know guys who've slept with inexperienced girls just so they can get the ones they really want...Now, i'm not saying he is, but the fact she has to always call him is a sign and she has to STOP!. If/when he is ready, he will come back. This is one of the reasons why so many girls get hurt too. Guys like Peter. He keeps telling girls to initiate contact, keep trying and guys can use all kinds of reasons against them. Be a ****ing man and stop making excuses.

[lhn]

"Just got done lifting" - as in, caught shop lifting?

I think he is embarrassed and you should arrange to meet up and do so. If he stands you up (which I don't think he will) then you have your answer.
Btw, when you do meet up with him, just go about your business as usual. No awkward chat or encouraging him etc. Just don't mention it. Basically, make sure you don't turn it into a big deal.

Goodluck

[LailaK]

Embarrassed or not, you were a virgin and he needs to man up, get some balls and be sensitive about that. Instead of tip toeing around him you need to tell him directly: "Look, I like you and I feel like we shared something special. Now I don't hear from you? Are you one of those typical guys who takes a girls virginity and drops her?"

Chances are he's not that typical guy, and if he's not he will feel the need to clear the air with you right away. You guys need to talk face to face about it. His need to not be a "douche bag" in your eyes will out way his embarrassment.

[Peter Pry]

Sorry, but I agree with Asip. She already stroked his ego - now it's time to see if he is gonna pull himself up by his boot straps or not.

Unfortunately, he's a boy, not a man, and probably doesn't know how to do that. I always think that the best approach is the one that considers most closely the other person's feelings as they actually are, rather than what they are supposed to be and then (without their knowledge) place all of the burden of knowing what to do on them. Yes, he is being insensitive to her as well, but that's not the question. If it was him asking the question, then you would be right that the answer would be to grow a pair. But he's not here to hear that. Asking her to wait for him to spontaneously man up is basically telling her that she's better off without him, because that is unlikely to happen on its own without prompting. He's embarrassed and reacting emotionally.

My point was to be cautious. People love playing the 'therapist' on here and since you know so much, maybe you can explain to sheenie here when this guy decides he never wants to see her again.

That hasn't happened yet. You're assuming facts not in evidence.

Some guys try to add to a resume by sleeping with inexperienced girls, it's nothing new.

Some guys. This does not sound like that guy. Guys adding to resumes seem unlikely to me to (a) be so inexperienced as to last 37 seconds, and (b) tell their conquest about how embarrassed they are over it. Most guys are not out for notches on the bedpost.

Now, i'm not saying he is, but the fact she has to always call him is a sign and she has to STOP!. If/when he is ready, he will come back. This is one of the reasons why so many girls get hurt too. Guys like Peter. He keeps telling girls to initiate contact, keep trying and guys can use all kinds of reasons against them. Be a ****ing man and stop making excuses.

I pretty much tell everyone, men and women, that if they want someone, then they can't just sit around waiting for it to magically happen. I don't believe I made any excuses for him, but rather attempted to garner some empathy with a person who clearly, to me, seems to be in pain. I certainly would be if I were in his shoes, and might easily assume that the girl would never want to see me again. Just because YOU think you know what the rules of the game are doesn't mean that HE does, and he is not here to learn them. He is likely to leave, but because of needless embarrassment rather than anything else. Clearly demonstrating that the embarrassment is needless is the way out of the situation.

I think you need to be a ****ing man and admit that not all men are douchebags, nor should we treat them as such until douchebaggness is demonstrated.

Embarrassed or not, you were a virgin and he needs to man up, get some balls and be sensitive about that. Instead of tip toeing around him you need to tell him directly: "Look, I like you and I feel like we shared something special. Now I don't hear from you? Are you one of those typical guys who takes a girls virginity and drops her?"

Chances are he's not that typical guy, and if he's not he will feel the need to clear the air with you right away. You guys need to talk face to face about it. His need to not be a "douche bag" in your eyes will out way his embarrassment.

Now there is some good advice.

[sheenietee]

Unfortunately, he's a boy, not a man, and probably doesn't know how to do that. I always think that the best approach is the one that considers most closely the other person's feelings as they actually are, rather than what they are supposed to be and then (without their knowledge) place all of the burden of knowing what to do on them. Yes, he is being insensitive to her as well, but that's not the question. If it was him asking the question, then you would be right that the answer would be to grow a pair. But he's not here to hear that. Asking her to wait for him to spontaneously man up is basically telling her that she's better off without him, because that is unlikely to happen on its own without prompting. He's embarrassed and reacting emotionally.



That hasn't happened yet. You're assuming facts not in evidence.



Some guys. This does not sound like that guy. Guys adding to resumes seem unlikely to me to (a) be so inexperienced as to last 37 seconds, and (b) tell their conquest about how embarrassed they are over it. Most guys are not out for notches on the bedpost.



I pretty much tell everyone, men and women, that if they want someone, then they can't just sit around waiting for it to magically happen. I don't believe I made any excuses for him, but rather attempted to garner some empathy with a person who clearly, to me, seems to be in pain. I certainly would be if I were in his shoes, and might easily assume that the girl would never want to see me again. Just because YOU think you know what the rules of the game are doesn't mean that HE does, and he is not here to learn them. He is likely to leave, but because of needless embarrassment rather than anything else. Clearly demonstrating that the embarrassment is needless is the way out of the situation.

I think you need to be a ****ing man and admit that not all men are douchebags, nor should we treat them as such until douchebaggness is demonstrated.



Now there is some good advice.

Thank you two! I definitely don't believe he's the type of guy to simply just "use" me and throw me to the side and no, I don't believe I'm being naive or deceived in saying that. I like your advice of calling him out to disguise the embarrassment.. but how would I go about doing that without offending him or even just in general?

I want to text him tonight saying "Hey, I really miss hanging out with you and would love it if we could do lunch tomorrow or thursday. I can swipe you in to the dining courts or we could go to the union or something. Let me know what works for you if want to go!"

Is that fine.. should I refrain from the "really miss" part or does it serve the purpose of making him feel better.. which is my intention.. and it's true. I just don't want to come off as clingy though.

[lastwish]

Well, you are not his mother and you have no responsibility to nurture this "boy". If after all those encouragements and he is still avoiding you, you need to find another guy who is more of a man.

[Incognito]

I'd like to not simply throw this guy under the bus because I don't have enough information. How long have you two dated? Did you actually want to have sex, or did you 'go along with it'? I only ask the second question because you stayed a virgin until age 21.

As far as the message goes, you shouldn't have to word anythins SO precisely. Say what you want to say. Relationships shouldn't end because of wording (shouldn't), but if they do that simply speaks to the fact that you weren't right for each other. I also wouldn't aggressively pursue another sex session simply to bolster his confidence. Sex gets thrown around too much these days. If you want sex then try to start something.

[Asip4u]

Peter, you could have just said.."you don't have to be rude about the way you speak of this guy"...You agree with Laila (which i agree with) and she was saying essentialy same thing just in a nicer way. The whole speaking to him already happened..She already told him that it didn't bother her..that she's into him..go back and read..The ball is in his court but i know because she's so in love she will take your advice..Heart wins over mind..especially at a young age like that. Good luck!

[davidtorres]

This is why a guy should NEVER ever get with a virgin because they will become clingy. Homies tells that to homies because guys dont like to deal with a girl that is on his ass all the time, just like what your trying.

Let me help you on this one since I used to be THAT the same guy that you are trying to hang out with.

RULE #1 = If a guy wants to hang out/chill/date you. He will make the world MOVE just to see you and to be with you. There is no excuse as he has work or project. 1hr or 30mins shouldnt kill him just to see you.

RULE #2 = NEVER ever give your virginity to a guy that you are not even in a relationship with. Guess what? He got it already and he knows he can get it again whenever and wherever he wants it. He knows that you are HOOK! He loss his interest on you.


What im trying to say is learn from your mistake. Stop making yourself like a fool. Put it in your head that you guys had fun and you need to move on and start dating other guys. Believe me, if he wants you or interested on you, he doesnt need to wait for your move, he doesnt need to stop texting you for two days.

[Doc Durian]

If he turns out to not be a tossbag, and the relationship grows... she should find a way to get her rocks off in under the time it took him.

That'll help him with his future staying power if he thinks she's a bezerker who goes off at a drop of a dime.

And don't just do it and go to bed.

Practice makes perfect and nut sack refills take pleasant time.

[Gigabitch]

I'm afraid I agree with what davidtorres said about how if a guy wants to be with you he will move heaven and earth to do so. It's time to get out a copy of He's Just Not That Into You and read it. It sounds to me like he's trying to blow you off but doesn't want to be a total jerk about it. He's not initiating contact and that's a very bad sign.