Could she be into me someday?

[Cobra]

Okay, so he here's the story. I'm 22 and just started university. The first few weeks were basically drinking and getting to know people with loads of activities aiming for this. I'm from a different city so I knew nobody here. Well there was this very attractive girl in my group but I didn't really pay here any extra attention. Not until I spoke with her for the first time. It was like an instant connection, we got along really, really well. We had so much in common and the first time I had private time with her (sober) we were literally just laughing and laughing. She's the girl I have occasionally fantasized about at nights, a girl I'd want to spend my life with. The problem however is typical: she's already in a relationship.

First it hurt me but I tried being realistic. I was handed a friend card and I was going to take it. Very rarely have I met such people in my life with whom I get along so well. I'm having incredible time with her and she makes my days better. I wasn't going to throw all that a way just because my subconsciousness wanted her all for myself and if I had to settle to being friends to obtain it - so be it. Also, in the looks department she's a solid 9 whereas I'm in the more average category and once again the pessimist inside me screams I'm never going to score girl that hot. I have now known her for a month and been furiously trying to calm my feelings for her - unsuccessfully. I have had crushes before, but this is different. This is by far the strongest I have ever felt for a girl, she's all I seem to be able to think about. It's like I'm trapped, she's so close but at the same time so, so far and I can't and won't do anything because she's in a relationship.

However the first time I ever got a feeling I could stand any chance was last Friday. We were in class trying to contain our laughter but there was much more physical contact than traditionally: for example the good old light girl punches and me helping her play a game on my cellphone that included hand touching. It felt much more intimate. If she wasn't taken I would have definitely considered it flirting. That got me thinking: she's been surprisingly active with me and my other friend despite already having friends here (she spent a year in another major), including willing to come with us to buy me furniture, play soccer and come to parties and clubbing. I don't know if I'm overthinking this, but sometimes I feel like she's aiming for my company in the bigger groups, even when it's just me, her and our other good friend. Of course this doesn't necessarily mean anything since she's definitely the person I get along the best, and vica versa (at least I assume so), but it's still interesting. I have been trying to spot small nuances in her behaviour that might hint something, but have huge troubles separating them for normal friend behaviour. She's living together with her boyfriend and they have been in a relationship for over a year and from what I understand, things are not bad for them. So every time I look it from that aspect, it makes everything feel so fricking distant for me. But then I think about how good we are together and the small glimmer of hope is back on the table. Maybe some day...

Last time I wrote about this situation (different forum though) I was only asking how to get over these feelings and preserve the friendship. Well, I got a few replies that adviced me to not throw my hopes out just yet, things might change. So I'm asking you guys, in this situation, should I keep hoping something might happen in the future or just try to move on? Do I stand a chance? I may not look like Brad Pitt but I can make her laught a lot - that has to count for something, right? What are the cues that I should be looking for, cues that make the difference between good friends and something more than that? I definitely don't want to ruin anything there is between her and her boyfriend but there's always the chance that the relationship doesn't last and that's when I want to be there.

[basilandthyme]

Cobra, you say that if she wasn't taken, you'd consider it flirting. Mate, she IS flirting with you. She knows exactly what she's doing.

Now, you have to ask yourself if you want the kind of girl who'd do that to a boyfriend. If you get her as a girlfriend, perhaps she'd flirt with other guys while she's with you.

[Agnus]

Probably not. Girls like being crazy. You should turn her on. But you don't sound like the right kind of a guy.

[Cobra]

Cobra, you say that if she wasn't taken, you'd consider it flirting. Mate, she IS flirting with you. She knows exactly what she's doing.

Or maybe I'm already so deep in the friendzone that she doesn't deem it as inappropriate? Yes, for me there was some spark and tension, but for her it may have been something completely else.

[smackie9]

Stop being her friend. If you show her that if she wants something more she is going to have to make the effort and that means dumping her BF.

As for now, she is using you for the attention....you better start backing off a bit, flirt with other girls, to let her know she hasn't got you.....the less available you are the more desirable.


If she loses interest that means she is just an attention whore, feeding off guys like you who think they might have a chance......it's a game that you shouldn't get yourself caught up in.

[TheEvilJester]

Without being closer to the situation, I don't think we can necessarily say she is flirting. A lot of what the OP shared with us could seem like flirting, but could also just be friendly and platonic. It is hard for us to say without actually being there. The one thing I will say is that you never mess with somebody in a relationship. It doesn't matter if they were in the worse relationship ever on the face of the planet, you just don't do that. To be there for somebody as a friend in a case like that is okay, but you don't try to get them to dump their significant other.

From what you said, it sounds like she is relatively okay with her boyfriend. So, even more so, not something you mess with at all. Some day, perhaps they won't work out, but you don't want to be the reason they didn't work out. Not to mention, think of it this way... if she is the type of girl who would dump her boyfriend for another guy, what is to make you believe she won't do that to you? So, your hope should be that her relationship ends of its own accord, and then you can try to ask her out.

For now, I would personally recommend you move on. Ideally, if you can do that AND still be her friend, that would be best. Why? Because if you successfully can move on, try to date other women, and realize that you and her aren't meant to be (at least not right now) then you can still have her in your life. Not only that, but who knows? Down the road, maybe her relationship would end, you'd happen to be still single at the time, and fate would bring you two together.

It sounds like you are having a hard time being just friends, though. So, it may very well be to your best benefit, and to hers, to stop seeing her. I know that isn't what you want to do, but if you can't separate your feelings for her, it may be what is for the best. Though, again, that is your decision to make. You best know the situation, and you best know yourself. I do wish you the best of luck, though. And I hope you find the soulmate you are looking for, whether it turns out to be her, or somebody else.

[pcmaster]

You could be into her some day. If you know what I mean.

[bubble]

I've noticed with myself that if I really like someone I'm often looking for signs of affection. The person might just be friendly, but I wonder if it's flirting. Now, it's possible that she is flirting with you because she likes your attention and wants to keep you interested because of that. I do agree with the above poster, do you really want her to one day be your girlfriend that's flirting with other people? We tend to believe that a person will change because we touch them more deeply than their previous partners did, and sometimes it happens, but most of the time their personality traits and emotional issues continue into any relationships they have. If I were you, I'd wait a little longer and if after a while you still want to be with her, let her know how things stand and wait for her turn.

[Cobra]

Without being closer to the situation, I don't think we can necessarily say she is flirting. A lot of what the OP shared with us could seem like flirting, but could also just be friendly and platonic. It is hard for us to say without actually being there. The one thing I will say is that you never mess with somebody in a relationship. It doesn't matter if they were in the worse relationship ever on the face of the planet, you just don't do that. To be there for somebody as a friend in a case like that is okay, but you don't try to get them to dump their significant other.

That's a given. I will obviously not do anything as long as she has a boyfriend.

It sounds like you are having a hard time being just friends, though. So, it may very well be to your best benefit, and to hers, to stop seeing her. I know that isn't what you want to do, but if you can't separate your feelings for her, it may be what is for the best. Though, again, that is your decision to make. You best know the situation, and you best know yourself. I do wish you the best of luck, though. And I hope you find the soulmate you are looking for, whether it turns out to be her, or somebody else.

Unfortunately it's not possible and I don't even want to stop seeing her. As I said in the OP I'm new to the city and know nobody. She's my best friend here, along with this one other guy, and I don't see any way to take distance to her. At the very least that would let her know how I feel (also would seem like a huge dick move) and I really don't want her to know how I feel and ruin the friendship. She's such an amazing person that I'm ready to settle being friends, it's just my subconsciousness that is fighting back and wanting more.

I've noticed with myself that if I really like someone I'm often looking for signs of affection. The person might just be friendly, but I wonder if it's flirting. Now, it's possible that she is flirting with you because she likes your attention and wants to keep you interested because of that. I do agree with the above poster, do you really want her to one day be your girlfriend that's flirting with other people? We tend to believe that a person will change because we touch them more deeply than their previous partners did, and sometimes it happens, but most of the time their personality traits and emotional issues continue into any relationships they have. If I were you, I'd wait a little longer and if after a while you still want to be with her, let her know how things stand and wait for her turn.

I think that's what it is, I'm trying to find signs that are not there. Realist in me does say she's in no way romantically involved, but I still want to cling on the hope that some day it may be possible. The most probable answer is that she just likes my company, but just as friends. We have been called "such a couple" though so we are pretty close.

[smackie9]

Why not make friends with some dudes....then you have ample opportunity to go out and hit on chicks and stuff like guys like to do. Clinging into her is limiting your social life and other options.

[Cobra]

Why not make friends with some dudes....then you have ample opportunity to go out and hit on chicks and stuff like guys like to do. Clinging into her is limiting your social life and other options.

I wish making awesome friends was that easy, like a handshake and *tadam*, friends for life. I do have bunch of guy friends here, it's just that I have better time and click more with her than with them. Also my other good friend here is a guy and yes, we do hit the parties. Honestly sometimes I wish she was a dude so there would be no hassle.

[bubble]

Of course you click more with her, you like her and in your head she's the perfect person.