What I believed a relationship should be vs. what it is actually

[Eric_from_Tampa]

Hi folks, this is my very first thread on this forum, so I want to first introduce myself: I am Eric, from Tampa Bay in Florida. My sexual orientation is asexual/aromantic, but I still feel some strong platonic attraction towards women so if in general heterosexuality is deemed as "general attraction" towards women then I can be socially considered as heterosexual. Anyway, this is my situation so I hope I can read good opinions, please read.

The situation is that I am 30 years old and have never had any girlfriend- not even in high or college. I had some crushes, but neither evolved- they either were already taken (had a boyfriend) or there was no mutual chemistry. It could take a while to write about each of them but I can summarize it all in that, in 2003, I "gave up on love".

Thing is that I grew in a very conservative Christian environment and so I built some strong moral values and even had some issues on different topics for example I was against homosexuality, premarital sex, and other things that you may know are severely attacked in the church. As time passed, still, I was unable to find "chemistry" with other Christians, for some unknown reason back then, I did not get along with most of them, but I still applied those ways of thinking and continued going to church until about three years ago.

When I gave up on love on 2003 I was still thinking I was a heterosexual man, just because of the crushes with these girls in school and college. But I decided to go on on a permanent celibate lifestyle and soon I found myself doing most of the "normal things" people do, alone, most of the time. For example going to movies, waterparks, road trips, etc. i had not many friends back then so I had to find myself a way of trying to be happy in that circumstance.

Still, in 2009, a new lady came to where I worked, a Christian who I knew was single and so I did something I did not do before, invite her to go out. With the previous crushes I did not dare to do that, but I thought I had nothing to lose. There was no chemistry anyway so things were not different from the previous crushes- not only did she decline the invitation but then a mutual friend told me that she was a bit scared of me. That was my last crush or should I say, trial, and I went back to permanent celibacy. I still thought I was heterosexual back then.

As times passed I took time to ask myself many questions regarding the society in general, religion, and this whole romantic/relationship thing. I went through very difficult times after having to quit that job, but then I made some good friends, some serious good friends who I still talk today. My mindset began to change shape, I began to question about religion and the whole morality thing, and after some time I decided to dump away religion, but I still believe in God therefore I am not an atheist. My views on homosexuality, premarital sex, etc. also changed: I am no longer homophobic, I fully support gay rights in all its forms- marriage, adoption, etc. and on premarital sex I no longer find it a sin, but more like a decision that two adults do and so I am no one to judge. My social skills became better, talking to people is a lot easier right now for me and I certainly believe I am a better person, who believes in respect of people and their way of thinking, regardless of sexual orientation, religion, personality and so forth.

I moved to Tampa to go on with graduate studies, and after some time I was able to find the answer as why In any of my crushes I never felt the desire of sex- that's right, my intentions were all about a true, serious relationship with a good communication but no sex; I have never felt any attraction to breasts, asses or anything of the body. I searched for information because I am pretty sure I am not gay but I feel no sexual interest in people or anything in general that's where I found I belong to a group of people who are not widely known yet but that exist- people with no sexual attraction (asexual). Also, I found myself that I am not a lover of corniness, soft talk and romantic stuff so I also consider myself as a non-romantic, or aromantic person.

Then it all began to make sense to me. The confusion was over. There are some people who still criticize me (just like it is done with the LBGT community) and disrespecting me and judging me as a person with mental problems and all that kind of stuff, but you know how some people just can't respect others and want everyone to have the same mindset. Anyway, after this, I found myself having a much better ability to talk to women, because now I embraced my reality and now it is all about having good manners and sharing with people when I talk to them- men or women in general. It generally bugs me a bit when people ask about my sentimental status but I am always sincere, although cautious since I am not a typical man and using words such as asexual, aromantic etc, could make them be confused. When I am asked why I have no girlfriend or even asked me how could it be that a man like me is single I try to maneuver the explanation as that I am not in any hurry for a relationship. Truth is that in my subconscious I may possibly still want to have a girlfriend but the conscious side of me has realized that I am not suitable for a sentimental relationship. This is where I will write on how I view relationships vs. what they are in real life.

Of all the relationships I have met in my life, I can say that only about half of them, at the most, are happy. I have nothing against sex itself, but I am still trying to understand and unable to, why some people view sex as such an important part of the relationship. For me it is just a physical act. Yes, it can be done as a symbol of love, especially between two people who have been in a sentimental relationship for a while- but let's be honest- sex is something that by itself, BY ITSELF, has no meaning at all other than pleasure- analogous of the pleasure one can feel for surfing, eating chocolate or succeeding in a career. It's physical. Ok, maybe it can be a bit more pleasant but it still has no part in emotions- other than people deciding to have sex with a loved one because they want to make them felt loved. For me, that's a cultural thing. I don't expect you to agree with me but that is how I see it. I have no problem in that a couple has sex at all, but I can't (and won't) put sex in the same pillar as good communication, respect, honesty and the emotional love bonding in a couple. I believe relationships survive on pure emotional love, not on how good a man or a woman is in the sexual act.

Now, relationships in real life are different from my expectation as described above. It looks like sex is not only vital but even more important than the emotional part of the love that makes the couple be together. Media portraits sex as the CORE of a relationship and people in general have adopted that thinking. In the news and generally in all forms of media communication, most of the advices given to relationship to improve their lives are focused on sex. For me this is a proof as to why sex can't be in the same place as the emotional part of the relationship- in developed countries, divorces are on the rise and in some places it nears the 75-90% of all marriages; some people today have casual relationship with all the romance babbling but when they get tired of the other, they just dump them like nothing.

In conclusion, I am not saying this is always the case, and again- I have no personal problem with people who view sex as a very important ingredient of their relationship- that's their opinion and views. But I think that because of this it is better that I stay as I am. But I now end my post asking, why is it that some people consider sex to be as or even more important than good communication, respect, trust and other emotional-related values in a relationship? What could make sex be an emotional thing, when a lot of people have sex without a trace of love or commitment and is even done by other mammals and animals?

[basilandthyme]

What makes sex an emotional thing? It's all those hormones which are released when we have sex. There's a whole chain of chemical reactions which bond the couple. Yes, some can separate love from sex....but I've lost count of the number of posters here who fall in love with a person they've been having sex with. Likewise, I've lost count of the number of posters advising women to avoid casual sex because it always ends in tears.

http://www.youramazingbrain.org/lovesex/sciencelove.htm

Why doesn't this happen to you? I don't know. Perhaps your hormones are screwed.

Higher divorce rates? I think this is also because we're a) living longer b) women can support themselves and don't NEED to stay with a husband who treats her badly and c) divorce is socially acceptable. There have been plenty of unhappily marrieds back in the day, but they had no choice other than to accept it.

I also disagree that media portrays sex as the CORE of a relationship. Sure, lad's magazines and Cosmopolitan portray this, but this is hardly ALL media. Any intelligent media will talk about all facets of the relationship as being important. While you may not see sex as being equally important as the others, there are a lot of people who are terribly hurt and rejected when their partner no longer cares to have sex with them. I'd like to see you persuade them that their needs are of less importance.

[HeartIsAching]

Sex is as vital to a relationship as it is to BOTH of you.

Or more properly; You can only have a successful long-term relationship with someone who feels roughly the same level of need (sexually) that you do. You're apparently attracted to women, but have a very low sex drive. IMHO, mismatched sex-drives kill more relationships than most are willing to admit.

[Agnus]

Sex is just an act of energy exchange between individuals. Idiots think that sex starts with intercourse but in actually it ends there. Intercourse is just the most intense and closest point of energy exchange while sex itself starts at a distance with a smile, gesture, hello, etc. If you don't like a person and don't even want to say hello to this one there's no way to have sex with this person. People are so stupid.

[surfhb2]

You may not agree but a majority of clinical psychologist who specialize in interpersonal relationship agree that sex is ultimately the reason relationship survive or fail....that's just a fact

I mean, think about it? What better way to foster things like trust and communication then a healthy sex like between 2 individuals who love each other

The issue is that you attach no emotional value to sex.

Btw....surfing for me fills an emotional need....just ask my wife what I'm like when I go a month or so out of the water . Like sex, it strengthens that bond 2 people have