I killed the challenge?

[Journey]

I met this girl about 6 months ago. Everything was great and I told her that I loved her after about 2 months of dating . Things were great until about a month ago.

She has always been busy, studying and working. She asked me early on if that was OK with me - I said yes. She told me that July would be busy because she leaves for home in August.

But in late June after never calling, even when she said she would, I started to think that it was me. I did say and do a few things that I regret, but they were minor in my opinion. Then one night on the phone she told me she didn't have time for a relationship and didn't see us together for the long term. I don't see how she could say this - that's the biggest blow to me. I asked her if she loved me and she said no. So I cried and I said how much I loved her (I know - hold the flames please). Then flowers and a poem (again - hold the flames).

After a week of silence, I wrote a card to her saying that I understand she needs her space, that I was sorry for being selfish and that I just want the best for her. That was 12 days ago - I know its not that long but its like a light switch was turned off because before it was pretty much every day. I haven't heard anything from her. What I should have wrote in my letter was that we BOTH need our space.

I got the book "Stop your Divorce" and it has helped me. It says that saying 'I love you' means that the other has conquered you, and you are no longer a challenge. I think this may have something to do with the way she started to act - its not only her busy schedule.

So by acting unconquered, dating others, acting happy, and agreeing that you both need space, it might cause her to pursue you again.

But how does she know that I'm dating others etc.. She doesn't know what is going on in my life - she is not calling - and might not even care!

The book also suggest scaring them or making them worry that they could lose you. But does she even care? I think she would feel something if she saw me with another woman, but how does she know? How do I make her worry that she could lose me if the book also says to "Stop Calling"?

Do I write another card saying, "Thanks for the time we spent together. I agree we both need our space. I think we did go too fast. I agree - maybe this relationship will not work over the long term. I would have prefered to be with you, but if its not going to work then I wish you all the best with your goals. "

I've kind of started to give up hope for this girl after not ever hearing from her anymore, even though the last time we saw each other she was kissing me (June 30). Its weird.

Her birthday is on the 27th. Mine is on the 2nd of August. Based on the flowers that I've sent to her and the cards, she thinks that I'll probably drop something off at her mailbox, or call. I'm wondering if doing nothing would be of any shock value or just totally kill it. If I do give her something - it will be interesting - what, if anything, she does on my birthday (its the big 30).

I think the only things she thinks I have going for me are my job, looks (I do some fitness modelling), fun when I'm not being serious 'n sh*t, and we had a very strong physical chemistry.

So - Suggestions about the card idea? About a birthday gift or card / nothing? Thanks.

[wwefan300]

Im sorry to hear that man. Basically i had an online relationship like that except that was 2 years ago. I'll tell you what happened a bit because this will help you on your answer. Basically the girl kept saying she was busy and busy every day doing HomeWork. Untill 4 days later she told me that she didin't have feelings for me and she HAD BEEN DATING SOMEONE ELSE for those FOUR DAYS.

Anyways man im just going to tell you this... ITS OVER im sorry to say that but that's life. I mean if she doesen't talk to you atleast once or something in two days then she obviously doesen't care for you. What you need to do is forget about her. Because basically if you keep giving her space shes going to find another guy or try to devolop a relationship. Anyways that's how it goes buddy i hope this helps.

[Tone]

How will she know? By you NOT calling her, sooner or later once she catches up with her work she'll realize "Hey Bobby D hasn't called me in a long time..." then her mind will start to wonder..

Think about it - you've been pretty much a borderline pest to her lately. So by CONTINUING to bother her with notes, letters, e-mails, phone calls, visits, etc HOW IN THE HELL is that going to HELP anything at all, when what she wants most is T I M E to herself?

Contact her and you're shooting yourself in the foot. For her birthday I'd have a gift sent to her WITH NO NOTE, no love letter, no card - unless you just sign it and THAT'S IT. But just get her a gift and have it delivered, without the "Oh I talk a lot of shit about I understand you need space but really I'm full of shit cause I keep on going back to my old ways and continue bothering you when it's obvious you don't want this right now" letter attached. Just a gift, with a card, that has no message from you other than your name signed, so she knows who the gift is from. No phone call, NO CONTACT other than the gift. She knows your number, let her come to you. If you contact her you're just shooting yourself in the foot.

[Tone]

And yeah, you might have already blew your chance here... but bothering her more and all the love letters you can write will not help your case at all.

[Tone]

I definitely learned this the hard way.

LoL you and me both.

[Journey]

Thanks all for the advice. Tone - that makes sense. I'm doing alright, but based on what we had together its hard sometimes knowing that it might be over. I really hope she's wondering about me. Sh*t if she doesn't then I did something REALLY lame. But 4 months of great times and then a little weirdness, and now total silence. Should be enough to get her wondering - I hope.

[misombra]

4 months isn't that long. leave her alone. she said she wants space now if you don't give it to her she'll keep on being annoyed. leave her alone. go your seperate ways.

[Journey]

I have listed the possible things that I have done and the circumstances that may have caused or added to the current situation. Do you think any of this has caused irreversable damage? If you could list the numbers in order of impact, that would be great. I'm not calling her anymore FYI, but just curious.

1. Told her I loved her too early
2. Told her I loved her more than I should have
3. Was usually available for her.
4. I have a great job and my ducks in order. She's starting fresh in a new country. She needs to focus on getting her ducks in order, and wants to do it on her own - therefore not making it too serious. I believe her when she says she has no time for a relationship.
5. I said "You are the one I love the most right now. I have never felt this way about anyone."
6. She's leaving for home in a few weeks and it will probably be 2-3 months - maybe more before she returns. She's trying to ease her way out of it - again not making it too serious.
7. I oferred her money for schooling when and if she returns, but told her I would do this for any friend of mine that was strapped and who I believed in.
8. I also offered her money in lieu of work so that she could "enjoy her last bit of time in this city" (I know - this will get flames).
9. In the card about 2 weeks ago, I said " I am sorry for being selfish - that is the last thing you need right now." I regret writing "right now". Nobody EVER wants anyone selfish & needy.

[whaywardj]

All of which boils down to one: Came on too strong.

[clynn]

leave her alone.

You haven't done anything wrong.

It just didn't work out between the two of you.

It does, however, appear to be irrerversible. Not because you screwed up, but because it simply isn't going to work.

So you'll need to start accepting this and start getting over her.

I'm sorry.

Someone else will appreciate you more.

[Journey]

How will she know? By you NOT calling her, sooner or later once she catches up with her work she'll realize "Hey Bobby D hasn't called me in a long time..." then her mind will start to wonder..

Think about it - you've been pretty much a borderline pest to her lately. So by CONTINUING to bother her with notes, letters, e-mails, phone calls, visits, etc HOW IN THE HELL is that going to HELP anything at all, when what she wants most is T I M E to herself?

Contact her and you're shooting yourself in the foot. For her birthday I'd have a gift sent to her WITH NO NOTE, no love letter, no card - unless you just sign it and THAT'S IT. But just get her a gift and have it delivered, without the "Oh I talk a lot of shit about I understand you need space but really I'm full of shit cause I keep on going back to my old ways and continue bothering you when it's obvious you don't want this right now" letter attached. Just a gift, with a card, that has no message from you other than your name signed, so she knows who the gift is from. No phone call, NO CONTACT other than the gift. She knows your number, let her come to you. If you contact her you're just shooting yourself in the foot.

Tone - I have seriously thought about not doing anything for her birthday. Not even a gift. When things were going well we decided on a vacation together, which I booked and arranged. Then when things started going strange she said she was having second thoughts. We were supposed to go on the 27th. I have cancelled everything because I haven't heard anything from her.
By my not doing anything for her birthday it might just be totally unexpected, and I am actually kind of pissed off. I'd feel OK I think - because she has been quite cold (not calling when she said she would etc.). I might be burning my bridges, but she knows that I have been nice up to that point, and that my reaction is a result of her coldness. It would be very unexpected from me, based on what I have been like so far (her pulling away and my laying it on even more). She obviously thinks she has conquered me, and might even look down on me for pursuing a 'cold' attitude up to that point. What do you think?

[misombra]

let her go journey. let her go.

[Journey]

let her go journey. let her go.

Others have suggested that I do give a birthday gift. So you suggest doing nothing?

[misombra]

yes

____

[clynn]

do nothing