Really odd situation. Any experience on this will be grateful

[RN1980]

Hi,

This could be very long so i will try and keep it concise as possible.

Around 14-15 months ago i met my current girlfriend and we are so perfect for each other (and this isnt just the ramblings of someone who is all loved up) and are incredibly compatible. After years of having some rather strange relationships i felt i had met the one. She also had exactly the same feelings and told me how perfect i was for her, how she is going to spend the rest of life with me and all that jazz. As you can imagine we had a great sex life, had loads of fun all the time and everything was rosey.

We live together now but in our 14 months together she has gone through three jobs, two big moves (moved to my city to live with me, then we moved to a new place we chose together somewhere else), the stress of getting money off her ex and we have gone through an eptopic preganancy. She seemed to be handling all this very well until the night i brought up the consideration of engagement. She seemed happy and things were all right for a few days later. What i didn't know (because she is not very good at opening up and i now realise she dwells on things and analyses things to death) was she had panicked about the consideration of engagement and was also letting everything else get on top of her. She then decided for the next 5 weeks to be distant, lacked affection, looked preoccupied, her moods swung quite wildly and she lost her sex drive.

Over this time she invented issues with the relationship that didnt exist (again, they genuinely didnt exist im not just saying that because im in love) and the atmosphere was very dark. We had a number of discussions but she is difficult to crack open and get honest answers (she is the type that doesnt like to hurt peoples feelings too) and also used to make me feel guilty for even asking. She stopped at her friends one night "to think things through" only to return home the next night because she loved me and missed me. But there was still the issue and two weeks ago she stopped at her moms for a week in an attempt to have a break and "save our relationship". During that time things improved massively and we texted alot with lots of banter, we phoned each other every day, she told me how much she missed me, she talked about future plans, we went on a 'date' and even about trying again for a kid. She came back on the Thursday (because she didnt want to be away) so she didnt do the whole week and things have improved alot. She is affectionate again, we laugh and joke and act silly, we do things and plan things together (we had an amazing long weekend away) so on the surface everything is fine. But underneath she said she feels she has lost that 'spark'. And despite things being better on the surface i can see her giving up (you just know someones body language).

Yesterday i had a proper crisis talk with her. Told her to be honest with me and that i can take the uncomfortable with the comfortable and to not consider my feelings but be straight and honest. So she was. She said she loves me very much, still finds me sexually attractive and that she enjoys sex with me, has been totally faithful, doesn't want to lose me and couldnt imagine me not being in her life and she admits we are totally compatible and right for each other. She said she feels much more affectionate with me but she doesnt feel 100% happy because she is worried about the 'spark' and it is getting her down. She said when she kisses me at the moment that it just doesnt feel the same and that when we do have sex she admits she is putting some sort of mental block on herself so she is not letting go like she used to. She admits that this reaction the engagement consideration is very weird but she thinks everything else is now catching up with her as alot has happened over the last 14 months and that was like the straw that broke the camels back. She admits that she might be suffering some sort of depression and that despite all the right ingredients being there she doesnt understand where that spark has gone. She also admits that if she was more open with me from the off and stopped bottling things up this could have very likely been avoided.
I told her that the trouble is the more she obsesses over the spark the less chance it has of ever coming back. I really think she believes that once its gone it never comes back (which with experience i know is not true).

So i said to her that if she wants we could end it now but she didnt want that so we have decided to give it until the New Year, concentrate on us as simply a couple and remove any pressure of sexual intimacy in the hope it can return naturally. Its only really been the last two weeks were she has been more herself and so improved and therefore i think she has the impression that her spark should have returned at the same time but it may take longer. If she still feels the same in the New Year and still doesnt feel that 'spark' (which she believes is so important) then we will just walk away. But in the mean time she has agreed to get some professional help and im hoping that helps. I love her to bits and wont give up on us.

This is all very confusing and doesnt make much sense because it happened out of the blue. I believe (but i dont know for sure obviously) that she distanced herself so much from me that she has damaged something mentally and now she has this wall. I dont understand how she can love me so much and find me sexually attractive yet not feel the same when intimate. Is it really broke? Can your spark never come back? Or is it that, as ive tried to say to her, we have now left that honeymoon period and the spark (or infatuation) is replaced by a deep foundation of love and comfort but she is confusing it with something bad? She admits that our relationship bond is very strong otherwise either of us could have easily walked away before this and that our relationship chemistry is fine !!!

Am i doomed to be single in the New Year? Has anyone experienced anything like this before?

Thanks for any advice or points of view. Oh and if you want any more info then just ask

RN

[RN1980]

Oh and very quickly i told her that there was no pressure with the engagement consideration (i told her she could have just easily said she wasnt ready and that would have been fine). But i told her this many times over the course of the "black cloud weeks"

[smackie9]

There's no spark because the honeymoon stage of the relationship has come to an end. What's next will make or break your relationship. You say you are compatible which is good, but I feel either A, you two haven't been spending quality time together or B, you both see way too much of each other. In order to keep a spark is distance. You both need to have a life outside your relationship to be with others and do you own thing.

Space is a good thing.

[mollymari]

Oh man I feel for you two. The genuine love of her that comes through from all you have said is truly wonderful. Sounds like you two have a really good thing going on there and man, if she is depressed, this is going to be a roller coaster ride and as her partner, this is going to be hard on you. Seeking therapy is a great idea and I hope it helps. The thing is, sometimes when one goes through something like that, when one is down in their mind, it affects everything else and often they'll push those closest to them, away. This will feel devastating but try not to take it too personally. In my experience, they don't really want you to go, their just projecting how they feel about themselves, their own self worth and well, if their not loving themselves, how the heck can anyone else love them. It's a brutal cycle. Your a patient man and sounds like your natural level of compassion will serve you both very well indeed over this next stage of time.
She obviously loves you a great deal. Be there for her; no pressure, just unconditional love. Wait. Feel it out and see how it goes.
Does she have any history of mental illness or depression in her Family or herself?, I wonder.

In a nutshell, you two have an amazing connection. These are rare and from what you said, she knows this and doesn't want to lose you. That 'spark' she speaks of, I don't think it's the spark between you two, I think it's the spark within her. She needs help; and from what I gather, she'll get it.
Good on you both.
Good luck

[4 ratties]

Interesting how she goes away so you can have space but she can't get away from you. She sounds codependent. If everything's as perfect as your making it out to be, idk why she wouldn't feel that "spark" she sounds confused and the poor girl def needs help. Sounds like an up and down roller coaster ride. She may say she has feelings on New Years then say she doesn't the next day. You sound a little obsessed with her so you'll put up with it. She must not be that unhappy or she would want to break up. I think she's wallowing in self pity and trying to get some attention out of you. Goodluck