Urgent advice about abusive relationship what to do??? Will she change?

[EDFERRARI121]

I been married for three years and in those three years I been separated for 5 times and in those 5 times my wife has insulted me, name calling, insulted my parents and i do not mean she telling me stuff about them, she insulting my parent in person. it has got to the point that the last two times she has slap me, scratch me leaving me a scar on my arm. Every time she does this after a couple of days she tries to call me, text me and got in her knees saying she is sorry and she will never do that again. and I always fall for that and even this time i started falling for that like now we text and talk. is this just a manipulation of hers to get me back or will she be saying the truth about changing. we are young i am 24 she is 23 and I don't drink, smoke or even go out with friends because she says i will leave her by her self and that's bad. I even work full time and went to school full time to get my bachelors degree to provide a better life for us.We have tried Christian counseling all of the 5 times and she stops going after a month or two because she says that she is OK and does not need it anymore. this time I asked her to both pay for separate professional help and she told me i can go but she will not because is to expensive and is the same thing as the counseling we have been going in the past. We have no kids and that is why I am asking this question should I keep talking to her and start forgiving her or should I just get out of the relationship before is to late. Also sometimes I feel like I have fear of being lonely and thinking that other woman will not want to be with me and not able to be on another relationship later on is this normal?

PLEASE NEED REALLY GOOD ADVICE

[smackie9]

If there has been no improvement by now it will never get better ever. Christain or not, abuse is abuse and it happens to all walks of life. As they say god helps those who helps themselves...I say spare yourself from anymore of it, and leave the relationship NOW!

[basilandthyme]

Ed, do you really think anyone is going to advise you to stay in this mess? Especially considering that she won't seek help for her problems?

Read what you've written impartially. Pretend someone else wrote it - and tell us what you'd advise this stranger to do.

[smackie9]

Also sometimes I feel like I have fear of being lonely and thinking that other woman will not want to be with me and not able to be on another relationship later on is this normal?

This is a symptom of the abuse. She has pounded down your self esteem throughout your marriage. This is what they call abuse spouse syndrome. It's not only women that go through this. It's not so common with men because most don't report it.

[EDFERRARI121]

yeah because she starts telling me that if I love her I need to forgive her and makes or starts crying then all of the sudden she is like thats fine just give me the divorce then she starts crying it gets me all confused and makes me feel bad

[basilandthyme]

It's reasonable to forgive someone once or twice. But she's proved that her promises are worthless because she keeps going back on them. She's shown that she has no desire to change because she refuses individual counselling. Forget about "love" - it's simply stupid to forgive someone who's only going to do the same thing to you again.

If staying in the marriage was truly important to her, she'd address her behaviour. Those tears you see are just crocodile tears for the purpose of manipulating you to return.

[VincenzoG91]

Run, Forrest, Run!

[Boisdevie]

She is an abusive cunt. And you are a fool for accepting all the crap she's dishing out. You need therapy. Normal people would not tolerate this.

[4 ratties]

Break up with that pyscho now.

[Wakeup]

If after the second time she begged you to take her back saying she won't do it again, and she did it again YOU should have realized that she is incapable of change and you will always be her person to abuse if you don't stop taking her back. How could you take her back when she is so disrespectful to your own parents (never mind you). This is simple. You leave her, you do not allow her to contact you in anyway, you get help for your codependency, white knight syndrome and you read these links so that you work on yourself while you forget about her and her mental issue(S).

http://www.womenslaw.org/simple.php?sitemap_id=38
^^^ This is geared towards abused women but it applies to you.

http://www.whatiscodependency.com/symptoms-of-codependency/
^^^ This will tell you about yourself.

http://www.outofthefog.net/index.html
^^^ This may help you and your immediate family to recovery.

Stop letting her hoover you back into her mental issues. She will not change without years and years of therapy. Get away and stay away from her and work on what ails you. You need to change within that what makes you stay and/or go back to someone like her.

I'll add one more link that pertains to what appears you need to work on within:

http://www.selfgrowth.com/articles/White_Knight_Syndrome_Subtypes.html

Please work on you and forget her.

[EDFERRARI121]

so most likely she would not change correct. Is because right now I feel really confused because I start to think about all the good moments and how she will often tell me that she love me, and she will cook for me and even call me sweet things most of the time but whenever there was something that I say or do that it bother her or did not agree she will change completely and start insulting me and start talking bad about my parents and brother. so I dont know if she really loves me and can not control her anger or what is wrong with her?

[Starnique]

Well since you keep trying to give her the benefit of the doubt and you're clearly not trying to get out of this terrible relationship then maybe you should consider separating for now. What have she done to change? What steps have she taken instead of making empty promises and sorry ass apologies? Have she thought about counseling to get herself together? Tell her when her changes become apparent then you will consider staying with her or you can keep making excuses and remain being her punching bag.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

She doesn't sound that bad. Just try to be more understanding of her needs.

[TheEvilJester]

Honestly, it sounds like you really need to just get out of the relationship. But, that does ultimately have to be your decision. Still, you have given her many chances to change, and it has never happened in the slightest before. You have to ask yourself one important question... Do you want to live like this for the rest of your life? Because if you stay with her, you probably will. I speak from experience. True, my situation was not exactly the same. There was no physical abuse, for example. Plus, my wife was very disrespectful of my family... just not to their faces.

It doesn't get better. I wouldn't be surprised, either, if she merely SAYS she feels bad and realizes she has done wrong, but only says it because she knows it is what you want to hear. She sounds like one of these people who, deep down, NEVER can admit they are wrong. According to them, everybody else is wrong.

I know how you feel, wondering if it is worth it to end the relationship... wondering if you'd ever be able to get another relationship. Fact of the matter is, you are much better off with NO relationship than you are with an unhealthy one like that. Again, I know this from experience.

You will have to decide what is best for you, but unless she suddenly magically starts actually changing for the better, AND sticks to it, I don't think it sounds like there is much worth saving. And, if you ask me, it sounds like you have already given her more than enough chances to change and/or get help.

Good luck.

[Wakeup]

so most likely she would not change correct. Is because right now I feel really confused because I start to think about all the good moments and how she will often tell me that she love me, and she will cook for me and even call me sweet things most of the time but whenever there was something that I say or do that it bother her or did not agree she will change completely and start insulting me and start talking bad about my parents and brother. so I dont know if she really loves me and can not control her anger or what is wrong with her?

Yea... stay with her. It will save some other poor schmuck from having to deal with her shit.