Did she use me? Or did I just fall on my own sword?

[southerngreek]

I asked this in the female advice forum and got some solid advice, but nothing real concrete, which may just be how this saga ends, but here goes, and thanks for reading :p

I saw a girl for about 8 months, who I met in our grad school. We started hanging out despite my friends warning me she was a user and that she had a poor reputation, and apparently had lost many friends because of her actions. We basically acted like a couple. We'd go out together, go to functions, dances, weddings. She'd always call me a lot when she needed things, help, etc. She would always want to publicize our relationship on social media, and soon, people began asking me what we were doing, to which I would always tell them we weren't officially dating or anything. In May, our first fight happened when she was asked at a party with my friends about our relationship and said she was embarrassed she had to be asked a question like that. We stopped speaking for 2 months until the 4th of July, when she called me randomly and asked if I would hang out with her when she came back to town for the 4th and whether I'd go to a barbecue with her with some of her engaged friends. I declined the BBQ but ended up going to the beach. She told me she missed being around me.

As the summer wore on, she started coming to town from her internship to visit me on weekends, and we'd spend the whole time together during those weekends. The first night she moved back to town for school to begin, I was the first person she called and we went out and stayed together as usual. She started talking about the year ahead, and how she wanted to take some trips with me to concerts and she invited herself on a trip to New York to visit my best friends, a trip I talked her out of because of how it would make us look since we hadn't committed to anything.

About 5 weeks ago, at a back to school barbecue, I overheard her saying she had a one night stand with a complete stranger. I didn't say anything to her at first, but as the drinks kept coming, I got angry. Eventually we fought that night over text. I ended up telling her I was really sorry I defended her for months because her reputation was awful amongst our fellow classmates and I couldn't believe she would do something like that. I also said she was far better than to do it, and that I was not going to pretend to be her boyfriend any longer and give her the benefits I do if she just wants to sleep around.

She responded by saying I had no right to judge (she was right), and she didn't want me defending her, she was proud of what she did because he was cute. The girl has never been in a relationship before in her life. She asked me at the end to come over and stay with her and we'd talk about it, but I was drunk and told her I needed to go home. She then told me she was going to block my number because I said such hurtful things. I tried half assing apologizing the next day on Facebook but said something wrong and she blocked me there too.

That said, I was wrong to judge. I emailed her a real apology about a week ago that was heartfelt for saying what I said, but I got nothing back. We are still in the same classes. I still see her every day, but obviously we are not speaking.

At this juncture, should I just leave it alone? This was honestly one of the most confusing relationships I've ever been in. I was so wrong and feel so regretful at saying what I said to her because I know better, but at this point I just want to fix it. My friends have told me she is not a good person and I am far better off without her. Perhaps they're right. I just feel bad about it. We had a lot of fun together. Is this a hopeless situation? Or do I merely need to give it more time?

[Wakeup]

people began asking me what we were doing, to which I would always tell them we weren't officially dating or anything.

And this after she started it all up yet again:

I talked her out of because of how it would make us look since we hadn't committed to anything.

Well really, you can't be telling her who she can and can not be with when you haven't even committed to her now can you?

Anyway, she's not ready to be anyone's "real" boyfriend (if ever) so why bother keeping her in your life. She's a tad issued after she tells you she doesn't want anything else to do with you because you won't commit to her and then she's the one that contacts you to start up yet another NSA relationship where you play bf/gf but you're not committed. Why do you young people do this dumb shit?

Leave her alone but do yourself a favour. YOU block and delete her number and ability to join your social media sites and that way when she gets all Boarderline Personality on you and tries to hoover you back once again, she won't be able to reach you.

Stop feeling bad about it but DO learn from it. You can't make a silk purse out of a sows ear. I'd tell her the same thing about you BTW.

Live and learn.

[southerngreek]

Yeah, all of what you said is true, unfortunately. My friends told me the only way she will come back is if/when she grows bored with the newest couple of people who are being her friends. When that eventually ends, which they are certain it will because she hasn't kept any friends so far, she will be back.

I guess I am more disappointed in myself than anything else for getting angry. I liked this girl, but all of the warnings I kept getting kept me from ever committing to her because I was afraid she would hurt me even more. I can't imagine if I had committed to her and she had done this, which I am sure she would have done, how I'd feel right now. At least I am only mildly upset and not devastated.

[southerngreek]

Well, the ice broke last night.

I went to a harbor cruise with my grad school. She was there. I did not speak to her the entire night, but I did see her. We walked by each other several times. Later that night, we all went out to a bar. As I left the parking garage, I heard someone shout my name and I turned around and it was her. She said "I'm drunk" and then we started an awkward conversation. She went to a bar with me and then told me "I have forgiven you, but we can't be friends. I can't be with someone who harbors feelings like what you said."

I have no idea why she did that unless it was some ploy to start getting back with me. I told her I never asked to be her friend again, and I was merely sorry for my behavior. Then she left.

I guess I'm not surprised. She looked pretty miserable all night while I showed up with a large group of friends and had a good time, even talking and hanging out with her roommate for quite a bit. I assume this will be the long road towards her trying to get back in with me, but I honestly think I need to resist it this time.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

It doesn't sound like she wants to "get back in" with you. On the off chance that she is, next time she talks to you just tell her to leave you alone unless she wants to suck you off. She'll either suck you off or leave you alone for good..or she'll leave you alone, think about how you handled it, then come suck you off later. It's a guaranteed win for you any way you slice it.

[southerngreek]

It doesn't sound like she wants to "get back in" with you. On the off chance that she is, next time she talks to you just tell her to leave you alone unless she wants to suck you off. She'll either suck you off or leave you alone for good..or she'll leave you alone, think about how you handled it, then come suck you off later. It's a guaranteed win for you any way you slice it.

Well, she looked miserable. I don't know why she bothered to try to talk to me like that if she didn't have some motive. I didn't need to her to tell me she didn't want to be friends. I get it. I didn't ask her to be my friend again. She didn't need to shout out to get my attention, go to a bar with me and talk to me for 30 minutes to tell me that.

I didn't expect we'd talk again for a long time unless she got bored with her lap dog guy friend who has been chasing her for 3 years, who is the only person who will spend time with her in our school. I guess she's getting bored a lot faster than I expected. That's the only reason I feel like this is some ploy to get back in with me at some point in the future. It's gone from we'll never speak again and she will never forgive me to her initiating a conversation and forgiveness. Far exceeding my predictions. :p

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Right now, the only clear motive is attention. There might be more, but there's nothing that points to it. Like when you ignored her after the party where people asked about the relationship, and she didn't talk to you for two months. Same thing. Do what you did then. Get on with your life, stop thinking about her, and she's already shown she's inclined to come back. I wouldn't expect her behavior to change though.

[southerngreek]

Right now, the only clear motive is attention. There might be more, but there's nothing that points to it. Like when you ignored her after the party where people asked about the relationship, and she didn't talk to you for two months. Same thing. Do what you did then. Get on with your life, stop thinking about her, and she's already shown she's inclined to come back. I wouldn't expect her behavior to change though.

Of course her behavior won't change. She loves attention, whether it be negative or positive. She even had the nerve to try to "fix my shirt" around the collar like she still had the right to mess with my clothes. What kind of weirdo calls you, goes to have a drink with you only to tell you she doesn't want to be your friend, but she has forgiven you? I mean, ok. Clearly it's for attention and probably to see if I will "work" harder to get back to her or something like that.

She will come back as she gets bored. Otherwise I have no clue why she made such an effort to talk to me. I had no plans to talk to her again for a long time and I honestly thought it would be after Christmas before I ever heard anything from her. I'm just going to continue to live my life and wait and see what her next move is. I am sure it's coming, I just don't know if it will be sooner or later. Probably at the formal in November or Halloween. I'm just happy she said she would be civil to me in school, so I don't have to worry about the awkwardness anymore. That will be a nice change.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

"Clearly it's for attention and probably to see if I will "work" harder to get back to her or something like that. "

Yep, that's why said to tell her not talk to you unless she wants to "speak into the mic". It's so forward, that there is no deflecting it. It completely ends her game right then, and she only has two choices, both of which are beneficial for you.

[southerngreek]

"Clearly it's for attention and probably to see if I will "work" harder to get back to her or something like that. "

Yep, that's why said to tell her not talk to you unless she wants to "speak into the mic". It's so forward, that there is no deflecting it. It completely ends her game right then, and she only has two choices, both of which are beneficial for you.

That's what I will tell her if she approaches me again, which she will. I have a feeling the whole "I will be civil to you in school" is just some way to allow her to talk to me again in school.

It's so stupid to go have a drink for 30 minutes on your own accord, with someone to tell them you don't want to be their friend again. I told her if she didn't want to be friends again, she wouldn't be sitting next to me in this bar by her own wish. She, of course, said nothing. She just sat stone faced the whole time and only said she couldn't because I'd only get angry again.

[TablesandChairs]

say she was keen to advertise your relationship on social media and was offended when people had to ask if you two were a couple or not - that doesn't sound like someone afraid of commitment to me. Reputations aren't always accurate but you let it dictate how you treated her and then you were surprised when she slept with someone else when you guys weren't even officially anything.

[southerngreek]

say she was keen to advertise your relationship on social media and was offended when people had to ask if you two were a couple or not - that doesn't sound like someone afraid of commitment to me. Reputations aren't always accurate but you let it dictate how you treated her and then you were surprised when she slept with someone else when you guys weren't even officially anything.

She said she was "surprised" people thought we were a couple after she was so eager to advertise us all over social media. I couldn't imagine how anyone would be surprised by that.

But you're right in that I let her reputation dictate what I did with her. She's never had a boyfriend, never kept friends for longer than a year, and told me herself she only had flings with older men in her past and had never had a real boyfriend. I don't have any regrets about listening to others either. Had I committed to her, I don't think she would have been mature enough to actually handle a real relationship and it would have hurt me far worse than it did now when she eventually cheated on me.

I hate that too because I could see us together, and I think she would be far happier than she is now throwing herself at random people because she was happy with me, and if she wasn't, she would not have stuck around as she did, and she would not have broken the silence this week as soon as she did, but it's her life and she's welcome to do as she wishes.

We need more time to heal. I would like to think she has learned something from this, but I don't think she has. She sees it as my fault entirely and she's trying to find a way to be friends again.

[Wakeup]

She sees it as my fault entirely and she's trying to find a way to be friends again.

You'd be very foolish if you kept her in your life. You don't need female friends that will stagnate your own emotional maturation and cause loyality problems with any new girl you happen to be pursuing and in a relationship with.

Stop talking to her altogether and count her as a lesson learned from your past. That would be the mature and gentlemanly thing to be doing for yourself and anyone new coming into your life.

[southerngreek]

You'd be very foolish if you kept her in your life. You don't need female friends that will stagnate your own emotional maturation and cause loyality problems with any new girl you happen to be pursuing and in a relationship with.

Stop talking to her altogether and count her as a lesson learned from your past. That would be the mature and gentlemanly thing to be doing for yourself and anyone new coming into your life.

I know. Throughout this whole ordeal I have become happier the longer she has been out of my life, and I have no interest at this point in being friends or anything else with her again. She was not only bringing me down, but hurting my relationships with my friends who did not want her around or me around her.

I'm still sorry I did what I did, but I think in the long run, it has actually been a positive thing in my life to finally end it with her. I don't intend to become friends with her again, but I am certain she is going to try to reconnect in the near future. Last week was just the beginning.