Great love, breakup and a prostitute.

[HankOfSpace]

Hey everyone,
I'll try to make it as short and coherent as possible.

I am 24 yr guy.
I've been in a relationship for 3 years with a (currently 21 yr) girl.
The relationship had it's ups and downs, like any other but we loved each other in
monstrous amounts, we built a connection on a level I have never encountered before.
Today is 2.5 months since our breakup (which I initiated out of stupidity).
I've contacted her once via a letter that I wrote, it was sort of a "closure" letter, and after that I called her several
times until she answered and we spoke for about 4 hours,
again - sort of a closure conversation but a bit more than that.

About the phone call:
I heard she is crushed by the breakup, light-years away from getting over it, and she's in great pain.
I tried pointing out that I want to get back to her, that I want to fix things, get back together and make it right this time.
She said that she can't see a way of us getting back together, but from the way she said it,
it sounds like she does want ME to find a way, I mean, I think she wants me to try and make an effort to bring the pieces back together.

The catch:
I've hurt her a lot during the relationship (relax, not physically), and she's a very jealous person.
About 3 weeks after the breakup I was a mess and had to get away and fast,
I flew to another country with a friend for a little self-destruction trip, during that trip I got really hammered one night,
really lonely and angry and went to a prostitute. I hated it, and it eats me till this moment, it was not done in a sense of joy and
"get off" but in a sense of "I'm shit and empty, and have basically nothing to live for anymore, so why not destroy the living crap out of myself?"

The Help I need:
I really love this girl, this breakup brought me to new levels of pain (I started cutting myself and doing other self-destructive stuff),
and I'm willing to do ANYTHING to make this relationship breath again.
The problem is, I don't know whether I should do it, I mean, how can I tell her that at the time she was hurting as hell I went to a prostitute?
It will hurt her even more, no matter how much I'll explain that it was meaningless and painful for me.
But from the other hand, I do realize how this "trip" was nothing but a self-destructive venture in my eyes,
so should I let this meaningless (to me) thing get in the way of trying to get back together with a girl I love so much?
And if the answer is yes, how can i tell her this thing, and at what point of the efforts of getting her back?
I mean, in the first steps before she gets "engaged" into this process?

Hope I made everything clear and short, and please forum, I really need your help because I'm falling apart over here.

[michelle23]

This relationship is over. You are both in the denial stage. You need to move on, heal, forgive yourself and seek professional help as your depression is getting out of control. You ended it for a reason-remember that and stop looking back through rose tinted glasses. If you do get back together, it is a lose-lose situation. She will either find out and use it against you and lose all trust or she wont find out and the secret will eat you alive. Plus you cant build a healthy relationship on lies. Either way this relationship is over and you need to accept that. Stay strong now and look after yourself. Nothing stays bad forever. Learn from this mistake and never repeat what you did on your trip again. Good look

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[HankOfSpace]

The trust issues were always there, even though i NEVER cheated or anything close to that, but we had other stuff regarding trust.
Anyway, i'm in no intention of lying and not telling her.
About the denial, i'm not sure about that. I know it's over, i know it was not so good , but i do see things now differently, and do realize the breakup was
done by me in a period of great pressure in the university, and i did it in a fit of anger and rage. I tend to run away from problems (hence the cuts, and the "trip")
So i couldn't handle all of it, so i broke up, and i can't stop regretting it.

[4 ratties]

I would first get checked for stds in case u do get back with your girlfriend or sleep with someone else. I don't see why u should tell her about it.. It's going to look really trashy to her no matter your reason for doing it and you were broken up at the Time. But it sounds like u really want to tell her. It probably will make her not want to get back with u at all. Breaking up should not make a person cut themselves and feel like they have nothing to live for.. Do u have a job u enjoy? Family tht would be very hurt from your cutting? U sound very co dependent on this girl. I would go to counseling for a couple weeks then try to get her back.

[dickriculous]

A meaningless trip to a prostitute is one where you fukk her, pay her, and forget about it as soon as it's over. Your trip to her wasn't meaningless, you did it as a result of the demons inside you. You admitted this in the very same post that you tried to pass it off as meaningless so I don't know who you're trying to fool (yourself perhaps?)

Second, the breakup isn't the problem, you sound like you are emotionally disturbed and the breakup is having this effect on you by default - aka it got there first. You are the x factor, not the relationship. If you had a good relationship with yourself a breakup wouldn't be this torturous no matter how crazy you are about the person you broke up with.

If it's as bad as you make it sound then even if you get back together with her things are just going to blow up again, you would just be delaying the inevitable. You need a better relationship with yourself before you can have a good relationship with someone else. Whatever it takes whether you have to get counseling, surround yourself with people you admire more, pursue your dreams and do more things in life that make you happy, all of the above, whatever it takes man. Just focus on getting all your shit together first and foremost, worry about the love life after that. Right now you're trying to build the attic before you build the foundation and wondering why the attic can't hold itself up.

[smackie9]

Don't blame the breakup for your cutting and other mental demons you have.....those were already there long before you ever met.

Everyone have weakness, and end up doing something trash, but it was done on your own time so you owe her no explination, or even have a need to tell her about it, nothing.

You made a choice to end the relationship because it HAD TO END. Just because you can't cope with ending it doesn't mean you need to go back to it to avoid the pain.....it's stupid. What you need to seek a doctor that can get you some therapy to deal with your mental issues....not starting up the relationship again....like dick said, it's just going to blow up in your face again....getting back together is not your solution.

[HankOfSpace]

I'm real bad with quoting here, so i'll try to answer in a single post here.

What 'Dick' said here - true, it was because of my demons, it was because i wanted to harm myself emotionally. But it eats me up because if feel guilty, almost like i cheated on her, i have the same feelings for that girl and it kills me that i did such a thing. The act itself meant nothing.

As goes for the self harming, you are all right, i always had a tendency for depression and self harming (it used to be punching things and breaking objects, but NEVER cutting before this breakup - and just to be clear, i'm not a junkie or alcoholic or any of that sort. I'm a decent college guy, that secretly cuts himself and falls in depression).
I am fully aware that i am very sensitive and take things close to heart, and i already went to counseling about that issue, but with no results.

As for treating my self, i already signed up for a psychologist, because the cutting worries me a lot too, but in the best case scenario i'll see a therapist is in a month, which is a long time in the inferno.

I'm just pouring out my thoughts and feelings here unfiltered:
As i see it now, if i'll wait to get myself better as some of the people here said, i'll just miss the train, i feel with every day that passes that i lose her more and more, that with each day we are apart she slowly slips into oblivion, with each day my chances of being with her decreases.

I do realize that it may all blow up in my face again, but you all have to understand. I am a very "regretful" person, i live in the past and over think it. And that breakup is by far the worst mistake i have ever made, everything about it - the way it was done, the timing, that whole god damned situation is messed up - and that one phone call we had only made it clearer for me - i really scarred that beautiful loving and caring person, that one person who genuinely loved me and was my best friend, the only person in my life that i could turn to with ANY problem i had. And that feeling, of hurting her so deeply makes me wanna go out of my skin to fix it, to make her see that i love her and willing to do anything for her, i want her to feel loved by me.
I know it all sounds crazy, but i just can't verbalize that feeling, maybe it's impossible to fix the past and the damage that is done will always be there, but there is this notion that i have - that i can make this relationship work, i know my faults and i know how to fix them.

Hope i made sense.

[HeartIsAching]

Ok... it's the worst mistake you ever made. At 24.

Time to move on.

[smackie9]

Stop looking to her as a life preserver...she can't save you.....look up co-dependancy.

[HankOfSpace]

I really don't think that codependency is the situation here, and i'm not looking at her as my "savior". Like i wrote in my the last reply here, i just want to makes things right with her, fix what I've done wrong and be there for her, and having her be there for me.

[Valixy]

You had consensual sex with a woman in exchange of money, when you were single and realised it's not something you enjoy very much. No big drama, get over it. No need to share this experience with your ex or any other girl you'll meet unless you feel like it.

You've also realised that you were a difficult partner and often made your ex-girlfriend suffer and you've decided to do better from now on and this is a very positive thing, but if you find that you need to process the whole relationship in order to understand the break up and move on, maybe you should do it with someone specialised, because you might have a tendency to exaggerate things, place a lot of guilt on yourself and see yourself worse than you are/have been.

Maybe the psychologist you'll start seeing will be able to help you decide if you should you go back with her or stay single. Everyone has personal demons, it's just that for some is easier to live with them than for others, and many people leave relationships longing for freedom only to find out that they can't be on their own. This is very common and it doesn't have an easy fix. It is a trial and error process many times until you are so lucky as to find someone who would somehow make your demons feel more bearable than when you're on your own, or you learn that you heal more of your demons when you walk some of the way by yourself. There are many people in this world in both kinds of situations which work better for some than for others, but people should never get back together because they need their ex-es but because they feel in love each other and want to make eack other happier than before.

[HankOfSpace]

About the prostitute thing:
Oddly enough, most of the people iv'e asked recommended to say NOTHING about the prostitute IF i do make moves and efforts towards her, but i also know it will eat me up, so i'm really confused about that issue, and maybe it is what's stopping me from making an effort soon.

Like i said, the best case scenario is that i'll see a therapist for the first in one month, and it is a long time i can not just sit by, i feel with everyday that passes that i lose her and the chances of getting her back.
I know that i do sometimes exaggerate things and take them too close to heart, and i also realize that this is not and uncommon situation and many people deal with it, but somehow those facts can't steer my mind away from thinking about her and our common past and about a plan of how do i turn this past into present - ie, how do i get her back.

I wish i had the confidence and patience to wait until i see a therapist about that issue, but i'm afraid that i'll do a "move" before i see help, i feel like i need to do something nice for her, a self-made gift maybe, something that will show her my intentions and how determined i am.
From that one phone call we had post breakup it sounded like she expects me to try harder, to show her i truly want her back, and not just by a letter and a phone call. It felt to me like she IS deeply hurt, but also on some level wants us back.

[michelle23]

All you can do is tell her you love her and want to be with her. Y should you have to bend over backwards and beg to prove your love. Shes just playing games if she expects you to fight for her. She either wants you or she doesnt so dont play along and be a fool for her if she expects you to move mountains. i think the only way you can heal fully from this is if you go your separate ways. I dont agree with lying and the truth will break you both so its still a lose-lose.

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