Confused as to whether/how I should break up

[Tommy1993]

OK. I'm 20, and I've been dating a girl who's my first girlfriend for a year and a half now, and I'm not sure how i want to proceed. Basically it boils down to break up or get married. Anyway, here's the story
We met over the internet, got along very well when we met and started dating. Then the problems started. Her family is very traditional Indian, and she was scared to tell them that we were together. This caused a lot of friction in the relationship since they kept trying to set her up with an arranged marriage and she didn't want to; but couldn't tell them about me because she was scared her dad (a former alcoholic) might come and bash me or something. In addition to these problems, she was sexually abused by her older brother when she was very young, and never plucked up the courage to tell her parents.
The upshot of this was the first 6 months to a year of our relationship was extremely rocky. She struggled with depression, which is still ongoing, and decided that she wanted to break up with me as often as once a week, only to think better of it the next morning. The breakups were always via text or on the phone. I love her, and I always talked her into coming back.
Anyway, this continued with her swinging from I love you (which she said for the first time about 3 weeks into the relationship), to I hate your guts you don't do anything for me, go away and leave me alone. I have weathered these storms and tried my best to be the rock she can fall upon when everything else turns to shit, but it became very hard after a while.
After about a year of this, in which she asked me to elope, ran away from her home to a friend of hers who treated her like shit, she told her parents about me, and they didn't attack me, but accepted me, albeit very grudgingly.
You are probably wondering why it's marry her or break up. She asked me to marry her about 6 months into the relationship, and honestly, I agreed because at the time I was scared she was going to kill herself, and she needed something to cling to. I wasn't ready. Anyway, she finally got that I wasn't ready to make a lifelong commitment to her and laid off, but since then she's been pressuring me to propose, and her family has been pressuring her to have an engagement party, since there have been rumours that she is a slut going around the Indian community since she's dating a white guy, which is pretty much unheard of in this area, and I'm really not ready to marry anyone. I'm confused and conflicted, since she is really an amazing person who I love a lot, but I want to slow things down, and I'm not sure if that's possible any more. This relationship has been very rocky, but honestly she's helped me with a lot of my own problems, and is such a giving and good natured person who struggles very deeply with depression. I don't want to break up, but at the same time I don't see how I can avoid getting married without hurting her so much I might as well. PLEASE help me out here

[DalM0m]

You can't get married due to social pressure if you are not ready but I think you are correct that cultural norms in her community preclude a continued datign relationship. If you are not ready to get married, then don't.

[Boisdevie]

Whatever demons your GF has to face, getting married when you don't want to is a disaster in the making. She needs to get herself sorted out and then see where you are. If she lays down an ultimatum - marriage or end the relationship I'd go for option 2. There are lots of other women out there and not all of them have the sort of problems your GF has.

[4 ratties]

Your only 20 and this is your first girlfriend. Please don't ruin your life by marrying this pyscho.

[DalM0m]

Your only 20 and this is your first girlfriend. Please don't ruin your life by marrying this pyscho.

I think you are being a bit harsh. You are judging this girl based upon American cultural norms which don't apply here. While I whole heartedly agree that the OP shouldn't marry her & if she was in the USA I might agree with your characterization but since they are from another country, you can't just say that they are nuts.

[Boisdevie]

I think you are being a bit harsh. You are judging this girl based upon American cultural norms which don't apply here. While I whole heartedly agree that the OP shouldn't marry her & if she was in the USA I might agree with your characterization but since they are from another country, you can't just say that they are nuts.

Those norms are probably also Western European not just North American. But it we accept that we shouldn't judge other peoples' norms then would it be OK to accept, for example, the subjugation of women in Saudi Arabia, because those are the cultural norms?

[jam]

Dude I respect your courage! Sticking in there this far, many would have run away. As much as i respect your sticking in there, the reality is there is life real outside the feelings we have for people and I think you need to critically think before you make a decision.

You are only 20years that I think is pretty young to get married unless if you received some kind of divination that guarantees your happiness and the long term survival of the marriage or the lady is a heiress and you are getting married into a pile of cash. If not, stay away - those feelings will run out pretty soon and you will be left stuck with someone who manipulated you in the first place into the marriage.

Either way, I don't see a happy ending in the marriage unless; your lady goes for some deep help from some shrink. 2. There is a total change from her. 3. The reason for marriage is to not fear to hurt her. 4. The decision is mutual 5. You can take care of her and the babies 6.....

Good luck.

[DalM0m]

But it we accept that we shouldn't judge other peoples' norms then would it be OK to accept, for example, the subjugation of women in Saudi Arabia, because those are the cultural norms?

Of course not. Some "norms" are ethical reprehensible & a violation of basic civil rights no matter what, like the subjugation of women or slavery. The norm that advocates early / young marriage is just different but not necessarily wrong, evil or psychotic. I think it's insensative to label sombody "psychotic" because you don't agree with a cutural norm.

[Valixy]

Your girlfriend has had a lot on her plate and it's sad and unfortunate that so many people live many years of their lives going through an emotional hell every day. In spite of the pain she's going through and the problems she has, you will have to respect your feelings and do what you feel and think it's best. As long as you are being honest with yourself and with her and you have the best intentions, it means that you are doing the right thing, whatever that is.

Apparently we are never given in life more difficulties than we can handle and we choose the circumstances of our lives, the family we're born in, the partners we're going to have and every trial we are going to go through. This theory, if true, gives some kind of hope that whatever we have to face in life, has a deeper meaning and I sure hope that people will at least be given the possibility to understand, even if only partially, the reasons behind their sufferance. When things start making a bit of sense, when the pain stops being a blind pain and one begins to see through it and understand it, it's maybe easier to heal and move forward. I hope your girlfriend will soon succeed to understand many of the situations in her life and learn to face them correctly.

[BobxMarley]

Listen man. You are a lover. So you have stuck around through it all to help this woman. But you have to face the facts that your girlfriend has real problems. If this wasn't your first relationship, you probably would have left her already. First loves are the hardest to let go of. You are still really young and I think it is a BAD idea to marry her. The issues she has will overwhelm your marriage. It sounds like she needs real professional help on overcoming her past. Until that happens, she will always have these problems. I want you to try something.

I want you to create a woman in your mind. This woman is stable, happy, loving, intelligent, and you guys see eye to eye on just about everything. She loves you with all her heart and you know without a doubt you love her.

Now, ask yourself, is the woman you're with worth sacrificing the woman you just saw in your mind? Because that woman is out there looking for you.