Feeling completely devastated..

[JamesP]

Evening all...


So my girlfriend of the past year broke up with me the other day - actually 2 days after our one year anniversary. She had been acting somewhat..distant..for a week or two before. I asked her several times if everything was alright, and she'd always respond "yes, I'm fine" Even when I pushed the topic, she swore shew as ok. Then we broke up. I feel completely blind sided by it.

Get ready for wall of text..


Between my first real girlfriend, and the recent one..I had spent 5 years alone. Not by choice, I just felt I hadn't met THE girl yet. Her and I met online, and hit it off right away. Our first hang out was amazing, and I immediately knew that I liked her. She's beautiful, smart, amazing personality, and what I felt to be a great fit to me. As the year progressed, feelings got very strong. I knew I loved her from almost 3 months in, but took until 4 months to tell her. Her and I both have had past relationships that rocked our trust issues, which we discussed several times, and both of us thought that being with each other helped regain that ability to trust. As the relationship grew stronger, I continuously thought she was more and more perfect - always listening to issues, accepting me completely for who I am, and my somewhat nerdy side (something I haven't always had the opportunity to just open up about). Her family loved me, and mine loved her. Ever since I first met her, I thought that those 5 years of waiting was a sort of karma payment to get her. I felt complete with her.

Then we broke up. It honestly blind sided me, I had absolutely no idea it was coming whatsoever. Both of us are in college (I'm 23, she's 20), so the week or two before the break up of her acting odd I assumed was because of school stress. Again, I asked several times if things were alright, and was told yes.

Her reasons for breaking up were that she felt that she needed to be focused on school (I understand completely) and focused on supporting her mom (divorce from her dad was always floating around). I understand both these reasons, I really do. But as I pressed these questions, she told me that she just wanted to be single. This one sentence of hers is what's given me so much heart ache. Our relationship - at least in my eyes - was perfect. We didn't fight...ever. We were an amazing team; communicating everything.

She told me that I did nothing wrong, which confuses me more. Her mom facebook messaged me, saying how she's shocked that it happened, and that the entire family didn't see it coming. I'm continuously told by her mom, and my friends and family, that I'm a good guy.

I just don't get it. I feel so empty..lost..I feel like I have 0 questions answered. I feel like if I did nothing wrong, and that if I am this "great guy" everyone says I am..why'd she just throw me aside? I feel like she got bored of me, or since she is in college, wants to see what other options are. I just am so lost right now..


Friends and family keep telling me to keep busy - which I really have been doing. Sadly, I feel like it doesn't work, as whatever I'm doing I still think of her. I can't NOT think of her.


I sound like a broken record here, but I just feel so empty and lost..I hate how the year we spent together flew by..it seemed like only a couple months. Its not been 5 days since we broke up..and it feels like years have passed. Time moves so slowly..

I'm so scared that I'll never see her again. I want, so badly, to know if she thinks of me or misses me. I want to know why she threw me aside, after I apparently made her so happy when we were together.


What does the forum think? Did she get bored with me, and want to see other people (even though she did say that there's no one else)? I miss her so much..I miss the small things the most. The good night/good morning texts, her hugs which I always felt so comforted by..Could this just be a college thing, and if so, should I maintain hope? Or just give up?


Any advice will help right now, majority of people I have to talk to are in relationships, so I feel like they can't relate.

[bluenote99]

hi james sympathies mate, as hard as it is to accept she may have just fallen out of love with you or may not have been at the same level of emotion to begin with, i think keeping hoping that you might get her back is a natural thing to do but it won't help you get over this what will is spending as much time with friends,concentrating on your college work,pursuing other interests as you can, your friends have advised you to keep busy and they're right in that as any distraction is a good one at the moment, it sounds like you were deeply in love with your girl and so it probably won't be easy to get over but give it time and oned day you'll be free of the sadness and able to look back on the happy memories, all the best

[Boisdevie]

The breakup might be sudden for you but clearly it's been on her mind and all the reasons she's given - school, supporting her mum are just convenient excuses. She's unwilling to explain just why she no longer wants to be with you. But in a sense it doesn't matter. You just need to accept that it's over. Getting dumped happens to most of us and most of us manage to move on. You need to do the same.

[JamesP]

Thank you for both of your advices..
No matter which way you cut it, it hurts deep.

Extra hurt, when her ex before me cheated on her, they broke up, then got back together, then he cheated again. They lasted almost 2 years.

Meanwhile I'm the "good guy" and "best boyfriend ever" and I'm the one who gets left at the side of the road.
Hurts even more, when thinking about just how much effort I put into making her happy, and making sure she's supported and has someone there. Then - if it is infact true - to be told "I've fallen out of love with you" is very demotivating.

Don't get me wrong forum - I try, hard, to be happy. To maintain my "this won't defeat me" mentality about it. Ultimately, these positive, motivating attitudes fall aside, and the sadness falls into place. I want these feelings gone, so I can hopefully move on. Its extremely defeating when each day feels like a month.

[bluenote99]

it's a sad truth that the nice guy doesn't always win james, you're doing all the right things to move past this so all i can say is keep going, one day at a time and you will get there it's just a slow process getting over heartbreak, just look forward to the day hopefully in the not too distant future when you'll wake up and she won't be the first thing on your mind, chin up fella

[Wakeup]

I just don't get it. I feel like if I did nothing wrong, and that if I am this "great guy" everyone says I am..why'd she just throw me aside?

She told you why but you're currently just not hearing her because you don't want to accept that your relationship is over. She's got a lot on her plate, James and she doesn't want the responsibility of nuturing a relationship on top of it all.

I feel like she got bored of me, or since she is in college, wants to see what other options are.

So, if she did do it for this reason, then it still means that you need to focus on accepting that your relationship is over and knowing, that eventually you will get over her and move on to find someone that you were meant to spend your life with.

I just am so lost right now..

Thats because you are'nt telling yourself its over and no matter what the reason, it takes two people to want a relationship to work. If only one is in it, then its not going to be

Friends and family keep telling me to keep busy - which I really have been doing. Sadly, I feel like it doesn't work, as whatever I'm doing I still think of her. I can't NOT think of her.

Just don't make thinking of her and pining for her and being sad over the loss become your best friend. You must consciously make an effort to change the subject of her from your mind to something else. That's where doing things you like to do with people you like doing them comes in handy.. You can always think about them and what you've done that day.

I'm so scared that I'll never see her again.

Soon, with time you won't be scared any longer but you can't keep talking to her mother or stalking her social networking sites or keeping her forfront in your mind or you'll take a long time to not be scared and even longer to get to the stage of indifference to her. Zero contact in all ways to do with her is the way to go.

I want, so badly, to know if she thinks of me or misses me.

I'm sure she does, one doesn't have someone in their life for over a year and not miss them. Even when you are the one doing the dumping there is still some time needed to adjust to not having that person in their life.

I want to know why she threw me aside, after I apparently made her so happy when we were together.

She told you why, James. Time and what you do with your time will lead you to understand and accept her why.

What does the forum think? Did she get bored with me, and want to see other people (even though she did say that there's no one else)?

What does that matter? The point is she doesn't want to be in a relationship, she doesn't want a further burden of having to nurture someone else when she's having a hard time nurturing herself.

Could this just be a college thing, and if so, should I maintain hope? Or just give up?

THE worse thing you could do to yourself, the bigest thing you will do to keep you stagnated in your current pain is to keep hoping for her to come back to you. Get on with your healing, your life, your career etc so that you can be free in mind and heart to date others and be able to give yourself to them without the ghost of your ex getting in the way. If she comes back then you can assess how you feel then but I suspect that you'll have moved on and found someone more suitable if you've actually done the mental work and the inner reflection YOU need to do to get past this.

[DalM0m]

Your profile says you are 23. You hadn't dated anybody before her since high school. Neither had she. People do stupid things in high school, like take back cheaters etc. because as they are growing up they don't always know how to stand on their own two feet. Because of all the changes that take place emotionally & intellectually between your teens & lets say college graduation age (early 20s), once you are an adult, some of your dating history doesn't carry that much weight.

You say that this surprised you & I'm sorry for that. I know 1st hand how devestating having something like that come out of left field can be. Many years ago, my then BF -- a guy I thought was The One -- broke up with me out of nowhere. The night he did it, I honestly thought he was nervous because he was going to propose. Boy did I read that situation wrong.

She said she wants to be "single". You have to take that at face value. In the wake of her parents' divorce her entire belief system about loving relationships & happily ever after has been rocked off its foundation. She is afraid to believe anymore. You can't fix that or change it. You can't love her through it or reassure her, as much as you may want to.

If she is the nice person you believe she is, I suspect she does think about you & is sorry that you are in pain. However that doesn't translate to wanting you back. It just means that she isn't a jerk.

I will offer you 3 things that helped me through the break up I told you about:

1. I convinced him to ease me into it. I had gotten so used to talking to him every day I was freaking out about going "cold turkey" so even though most people recommend no contact in the immediate aftermath of a break up, I convinced him to keep talking to me. I promised no drama & no begging, a bargain which I kept. We negotiated a schedule; I could call every other day for a month. At 1st we'd talk for 5 minutes, the next week was down to 3, then 2, then 1 minute that last week. I had been prepared to try to negotiate once per week for 2 minutes if I hadn't been ready to let go & admit defeat at the end of the month. We would talk about the weather & our days but I kept my end of it & didn't beg him to take me back. I may have slipped in a few "I miss you's" but for the most part it helped me break away.

I do not reccomend this approach for most people but we both knew I was too proud to beg for a reconciliation so this became a way for him to ease his conscience after hurting me & I had a way to "save face" & play it off as more mutual (even though a few close friends & family knew the truth)

To this day we can be civil when we bump into each other which happens about 1-2x per year because we're still in the same profession.


2. I gave him a mean nickname. I started calling him D!ck Head when talking & thinking about him. In my mind as a matter of self preservation anybody who would break up with me had to be a jerk. (no, my ego is not really that big, but it helped). It became a joke because one of my colleagues told me I couldn't call him such a vulgar name in mixed company. The colleague renamed him Richard Cranium. It made me smile for the 1st time in a long time but that was a start. I also put his picture on a dart board & threw darts at it over the course of several weeks until I obliterated his face. I may have shredded a T-shirt he gave me too. Nothing too distructive or criminal.


3. Finally I played head games with myself for several months. I said OK, I'm going to go a 1/2 hour without crying. Then and hour, then a 1/2 day, then a whole day. I didn't aways make my goal. But once I reached the goal for a whole week, I'd increase the time. Sometime after I was able to go a whole week without crying, which candidly was several months later, I was able to stop playing the game. I know it's silly but it helped.


You are in the immediate throws of this. It's a loss. It's painful. You are entitled to grieve. I recomend drowning your sorrows in ice cream. You can use adult beverages once. . . under close supervision from your BFFs who will prevent you from drunk texting / calling and/or otherwise hurting yourself. No drinking & driving; avoid alcohol poisoning too. using booze is bad because it can become addictive but if people didn't try to drown their sorrows, we wouldn't have country music.

At some point everyone gets their heart broken. You don't believe it now, but you will survive. Lean on your friends & family but let her go.

[JamesP]

Thanks all, definitely gave me things to think about.

[JamesP]

Update - As I was working last night, I ignored the piece of advice saying to not talk to her mom. We had a facebook conversation for about an hour and a half, and somehow, it helped a lot.

She validated the fact that her and her husband are having issues - and so she's been thinking of leaving him. This put my ex into a sad/mad/confused state, so I can live with her having to focus on that. I understand completely.

Her mom also restated that my ex is a lot like her dad - in the sense that she doesn't like to be emotional, and tries to mask it. The product of that is anger problems (which my ex never ever showed, but hiding her sad feelings is something she'd do). It somewhat explains how she's completely blocked me out of her life, deleted our photos on facebook, and hasn't spoken to me in a week now.

Lastly, I asked her mom if I should give in to my desire to talk to her. I was advised to not do so, and give it some time to let her cool off and figure things out. I'll continue to suffer with not talking to her. let it be known, it sucks..a lot. I miss her in my life.


I know you guys said the same advice, and I thank you. Somehow it seems that hearing it from someone I know helped - especially since it was her mom, and who knows my ex better than her?

Throughout all this, I came to a realization. With time, I'll be ok. A part of me will always hold her in my heart, and hope for something further down the road. My obsessing over her right now isn't helping though, so I'll focus on me. I do miss her voice, laugh, and how she made me feel just being close to her, so maybe this time apart will make me cherish it even more if we get back together later. I miss that companionship, but I do have family and friends (not the same, but its just as good - in a different way).

Thanks, all of you. I went from feeling completely empty, useless, meaningless, ugly and unlovable, to being in a state where I don't cry every day. Or think about her every second. Again, thank you all.

[Tug]

Your profile says you are 23. You hadn't dated anybody before her since high school. Neither had she. People do stupid things in high school, like take back cheaters etc. because as they are growing up they don't always know how to stand on their own two feet. Because of all the changes that take place emotionally & intellectually between your teens & lets say college graduation age (early 20s), once you are an adult, some of your dating history doesn't carry that much weight.

You say that this surprised you & I'm sorry for that. I know 1st hand how devestating having something like that come out of left field can be. Many years ago, my then BF -- a guy I thought was The One -- broke up with me out of nowhere. The night he did it, I honestly thought he was nervous because he was going to propose. Boy did I read that situation wrong.

She said she wants to be "single". You have to take that at face value. In the wake of her parents' divorce her entire belief system about loving relationships & happily ever after has been rocked off its foundation. She is afraid to believe anymore. You can't fix that or change it. You can't love her through it or reassure her, as much as you may want to.

If she is the nice person you believe she is, I suspect she does think about you & is sorry that you are in pain. However that doesn't translate to wanting you back. It just means that she isn't a jerk.

I will offer you 3 things that helped me through the break up I told you about:

1. I convinced him to ease me into it. I had gotten so used to talking to him every day I was freaking out about going "cold turkey" so even though most people recommend no contact in the immediate aftermath of a break up, I convinced him to keep talking to me. I promised no drama & no begging, a bargain which I kept. We negotiated a schedule; I could call every other day for a month. At 1st we'd talk for 5 minutes, the next week was down to 3, then 2, then 1 minute that last week. I had been prepared to try to negotiate once per week for 2 minutes if I hadn't been ready to let go & admit defeat at the end of the month. We would talk about the weather & our days but I kept my end of it & didn't beg him to take me back. I may have slipped in a few "I miss you's" but for the most part it helped me break away.

I do not reccomend this approach for most people but we both knew I was too proud to beg for a reconciliation so this became a way for him to ease his conscience after hurting me & I had a way to "save face" & play it off as more mutual (even though a few close friends & family knew the truth)

To this day we can be civil when we bump into each other which happens about 1-2x per year because we're still in the same profession.


2. I gave him a mean nickname. I started calling him D!ck Head when talking & thinking about him. In my mind as a matter of self preservation anybody who would break up with me had to be a jerk. (no, my ego is not really that big, but it helped). It became a joke because one of my colleagues told me I couldn't call him such a vulgar name in mixed company. The colleague renamed him Richard Cranium. It made me smile for the 1st time in a long time but that was a start. I also put his picture on a dart board & threw darts at it over the course of several weeks until I obliterated his face. I may have shredded a T-shirt he gave me too. Nothing too distructive or criminal.


3. Finally I played head games with myself for several months. I said OK, I'm going to go a 1/2 hour without crying. Then and hour, then a 1/2 day, then a whole day. I didn't aways make my goal. But once I reached the goal for a whole week, I'd increase the time. Sometime after I was able to go a whole week without crying, which candidly was several months later, I was able to stop playing the game. I know it's silly but it helped.


You are in the immediate throws of this. It's a loss. It's painful. You are entitled to grieve. I recomend drowning your sorrows in ice cream. You can use adult beverages once. . . under close supervision from your BFFs who will prevent you from drunk texting / calling and/or otherwise hurting yourself. No drinking & driving; avoid alcohol poisoning too. using booze is bad because it can become addictive but if people didn't try to drown their sorrows, we wouldn't have country music.

At some point everyone gets their heart broken. You don't believe it now, but you will survive. Lean on your friends & family but let her go.

Other than rule number 1 this is an excellent post. Dalmom found something that worked for her to help her during a very difficult time in her life in time so will you James, we all do. After my first marriage ended after 13 years of bliss I went through the grieving process but turned to alcohol to help me cope but in hindsight I can see it only made it worst. I see that I didnt start to really heal till after I stopped drinking and started working out. I found out that women love a guy with a hard body and by that time I was more than ready to start a new a new life and let go of the past