Relationship confusion

[lilay]

Hi Everyone,

I'm a bit confused about my boyfriend. Maybe you guys can give me better insight to what is probably going on in his head.

Some background info: We're both around the ages of our mid-late 20s. We'll be dating for 4 years by February and have known each other before then. We also live with each other >_< I always believed that we had a very strong bond.

We both get a lot of pressure from our families in various ways. My boyfriend's family is very needy and dependent on him especially since he is the only child. He is required to do a lot of different things for them which I think he views as mini-jobs, chores, hassles, etc. But he does it for them anyways, because he is truly committed to them. (Our families are both from Asia).

I go to graduate school F/T (last year! writing my master thesis ahhhh), work and unpaid internship P/T. My boyfriend also goes to school also and works F/T. It's been very stressful for both of us.

He's been really stressed about doing chores for his family and translating things in English, and worries about his parents because they work really hard, etc., so I have tried being there for him: I'll clean and cook frequently on top of all the stuff I have to do, I learned to let him be at his computer because that is time to himself, when to give him space, let him chill with his friends, help him with school, etc.

I do feel undervalued when I'm doing all these things while he is sleeping or on his computer watching worldstarhiphop or youtube. I have a lot more homework than him and have difficult finding time to do homework. I've created this role for myself where I do a lot of other people and it's been mentally draining on me. I take care of my boyfriend but he does not seem to realize it, but I do always remember all the things he does for me too and I let him know that.

I've been doing so much for him and trying to smooth his stress, but not just him! My family and friends who always come to me or depend on me. I'm actually becoming a therapist, and people tend to come to me in general for help and support....

However, I have a lot on my plate too. I've been supporting myself since I was 16. My family isn't financially well off. My brother has severe autism and intellectual disability (aka mental retardation), and I never thought in my 20s that I would be taking care of my father who is diagnosed with a rare form of dementia. I thought I would take care of my father like that when I was at least in my 50s or 60s when he is 80 y/o, but not since my early 20s or even teens. Especially since I've accepted the lifestyle of being a caretaker for my brother since I was a kid. My mother also depends on me and puts a lot of pressure on me in comparison to my nonchalant and immature 1 year younger sister. My mom also carries a lot of stress in taking care of my father, my brother and working in her late 60s! My father's symptoms even started showing when I was 16 and he is part of the reason why our finance has been so troublesome. I feel terribly guilty that I moved out because my family needs me but I also want to live my youth, I'm only in my 20s once and I'm only 3 years away from 30. However, since I moved out, my sister has been starting to help out more, which I've always resented her for not doing in the past.

Anyways the PROBLEM:Last night my boyfriend and I went on a date. I asked him if we could go on a date. I found myself irritated that I always have to initiate these types of plans. Why can't he just take me out because he wants to? So we went on a date. It was nice, we ate food at a restaurant and walked around, then watched a movie together when we got home. I thought we had a very nice time, but I think he's been having a lot of underlying issues I don't know about. During the day, I cleaned the apartment and cooked breakfast while he slept. After that, I worked on a paper that took me hours, while he surfed the internet. I asked him while I was writing my paper if he could wash the dishes and hang up the place mats to dry. He always says "yeah sure." Most times I still end up washing the dishes. After we watched the movie, he just lingered on his computer. I thought we'd have a more romantic evening with drinks to be honest since we haven't done so in a while. I noticed the dishes and asked nicely if he could wash the dishes. He flipped out on me about it and said I told him several times to do it when I actually asked him 1x! The second time was that time. I wasn't asking him to do it that moment, it could have been the next morning. After he displayed his anger, I told him I didn't mean to get him mad and that I know he's stressed out, but it's been a lot of work for me to do the things I've been doing, I just need a little help. He became quiet and distant after that. The entire might into morning he was very rigid and cold. I gave him space, then tried to resolve it but he continued to say negative things about me. Honestly, he's usually really sweet, which is why I think there is much more going on in his head that he is not revealing, because he is usually not that awful to me when we fight. So, this morning I did not really know where I stood. He said he loved me but his rigidity and unusual coldness was strikingly unpleasant and even heartbreaking. He told me that the things I ask him to do are chores, even kisses and hugs. So I wondered if maybe he's sick and tired of having people telling him to do things? And I know I that by asking him to help made him feel like he does not do enough. So, I know I hurt his feelings too. But I'm sick of tired of doing everything for everyone, when I need to take care of myself too. I know I should just leave him alone, but I feel pretty crummy and been analyzing what I could possibly have done wrong. It pains me when I try to be there for him, and put aside my emotions and feelings to try to make him feel better but he rarely tries to make me feel better. He did not care that I was upset or cried last night. I feel a bit lame because I should be stronger than this.

Thanks for reading and listening...

[bluenote99]

he sounds very stressed out that is a fact and that could be behind his snapping at you and subsequent coldness but unless he opens up to you its difficult to say if the problems any deeper. i have to say it's very good of you to do things for him like cleaning his apartment because you realise he has a lot on his plate but sometimes people can start to take that sort of thing for granted and it sounds to me like maybe you're doing a little too much for him, after all you are his girlfriend not his maid and as you say yourself you have a busy life too, as for the lack of spontaneity that may just be because he's a young guy and sometimes i must admit us fellas can be lazy and thoughtless sometimes the idea doesn't even occur to us. all in all i'd say the two of you need to have a proper discussion firstly to see if theres any more to his coldness toward you and secondly to try and get a bit more balance in your relationship and maybe air some of the issues you've discussed, hope it goes well

[pcmaster]

I never washed a dishes in my life. Also why this kind of conversation should go on when there is a woman at home? You should learn keep quiet be a good woman and do your job. When dishes are washed and stand in their place there wont be these type of conversations going And then you end up crying and wondering whats going on.

[FAndrews]

well hope that is a joke, because that is very old sexist 1950's thinking going on there.

[Wakeup]

I think since he has to do so much for his parents that he just wants someone to do stuff for him. Unfortunately, you're it. Is your sex life failing as well? I ask because you treat him like he's your child and who wants to have sex with their kid? Its definately an attraction kill if he expects you to act like a mom and so you treat him like your son and do everything his mother would do when he was a boy.

Communicate with him that you don't mind taking on the traditional female role as long as he is taking on the traditional male roles... but, since he's not doing that (no lawn mowing, no repairs around the house, not the only bread winner) then you need help with things so that you can get through the day without feeling over worked and under appreciated. You can get this through to him in a kind and matter of fact manner that won't set him on the defensive.

Life goes on and we're all stressed in one way or the other. That doesn't give him an excuse to do nothing once he gets home. One thing he needs to do is learn to sometimes be able to say no to his parents without feeling guilty for doing so.