accidental snooping now confused angry and hurt

[hkh8871]

So for a little backstory- i have been dating this guy for ~10 months. we are long distance (he is in USA i'm in Europe studying to be a doctor and he has a full time job where he works 50/60 hours a week). we are together 6 months out of the year in total (3 months over summer and winter I'm in the usa and usually in-between he comes to visit me for 10 days when he can get off work). in the beginning our relationship was amazing- really sweet guy and nice and the last month i was in america we were having huge issues- he wanted to be with his friends more, didnt want to always come see me since i live an hour away by car when we are both in the usa...we fought every weekend for 5 weekends and as a crescendo he didn't take me to the airport or see me before i left back to europe because of a fight- which he later profusely apologized for and felt terrible about. well now he is visiting me and it has been an odd 4 weeks leading up to it- barely speaking except 1 Skype conversation and one text every day/ every other day....so practically 0 communication but he still wanted to come see me. well he arrived yesterday to visit me and things were good. we haven’t really had a chance to have a talk but i feel like i just want to have some fun and bring happiness and mutual enjoyment back to us before we talk. the only thing is…and i know this is a big NO NO but he logged into his Facebook on my computer and didn’t log off…well when i wanted to log in it automatically went to his site and i really tried not to look but curiosity got the best of me and i just casually glanced at the first conversation with his best friend…well in that conversation his friend tells him that he should text his ex as a congratulations for getting into law school and that she likes knowing he still cares…to which my boyfriend replied i don’t want to text her while her boyfriend is still in the picture and that she had texted him earlier that day and his friend said oh well she asks me about your girlfriend (me) sometimes and that he tells her nothing other than we are happy to which my boyfriend replies “next time you should say ‘you guys should get back together’” and his friend responds with “will do” and then the conversation just went a different way!! i’m so confused right now!! this is a girl he dated for 3 years in college and was supposedly awful too and then he was heartbroken when they broke up and for a year he tried to get her back and it didn’t work…i thought he moved past her but obviously not…..and another part of the conversation was him asking his friend (same friend) to bring girls with him and his friend said he only knows girls x,y and z (which are coincidentally my friends) and then my boyfriend responds with “aka those are the only girls my gf knows in this whole city” to which his friend replies with “ohhh ok”………………this all happened about the middle of october when we never spoke but it makes me wonder what the hell he is doing here…….why would someone be in a relationship when they really just want their ex? or other girls? as a disclaimer- i really wasn’t trying to snoop! i leave all his things alone all the time even if i have the perfect opportunity to look through things (i used to be a big snooper but have made a point to not do it in this relationship) but this seems to just have fallen into my lap and now i’m at a loss. i don’t know how to react towards him but he has been being affectionate and sweet and holding me and kissing me…its so confusing!!

[smackie9]

It's obvious he isn't as serious as you thought.....maybe that's why he doesn't tell you he loves you.

[dickriculous]

Uhm...how is it "accidental" that you looked through his facebook? How do you "accidently" get this many details out of "accidently" reading someone else's facebook?

Either way you need to bring this up to him and let him know how much it's bothering you. Don't play this game where you're afraid to confront him about it and down the road as the emotions eat away at you more and more they start manifesting themselves in ways that make the relationship take a turn for the worse. Unless you are a drama addict, then by all means play that card just don't be surprised if he hates you for the rest of your lives as a result. Passive aggression is never a good answer. In fact it's usually the worst answer.

You're going to get a lot of skepticism here from posters who don't believe in long distance relationships and honestly, issues like what you're having are pretty common in these types of relationships. I'm usually pretty open minded when it comes to relationships and I'm not going to say that long distance is a lost cause, but I can say that I have yet to see one work. Especially when we're talking intercontinental. The only way I would be content with a relationship like that is if it were an affair rather than a full blown commitment. I couldn't date someone on the opposite end of the world and have strings attached.

Of course, there's also the potential matter of whether or not he thinks of the two of you as being as committed as you think of the two of you being. Is this a conversation you have had with him? Have you taken any initiative to ensure that the two of you are on the same page in terms of where you stand with each other?

[1985@LoVe]

Be careful from here on out, you're already fully committed where he is still in the beginning stages

[basilandthyme]

I'm sceptical about both long distance relationships and 'accidental' snooping.

If things are so bad that you need to snoop, just end it.

[Boisdevie]

Accidental snooping = it's not my fault honest. Nice bit of denial there.

[hkh8871]

I agree with you all. These comments he made were in mid october and i just saw them niw. it has not left my mind but his behavior is throwing me for a loop. He is so affectionate and when he thinks im sleeping hell kiss me on my cheek amd stroke my hair and hell just be so sweeet where i think...why? He even talks about the future amd the next time we will see each other and what we will do......it makes leaving him so much harder

[Valixy]

Maybe being together will help rekindle the relationship and when he'll get back to USA, he'll be again more attentive and caring as he used to. I don't think that people can always be like they used to in the first months, especially in a LDR, but no relationship can survive with so little as he's been giving you lately. If things don't improve considerably after the time you spend together now and once that he's back to US he goes back to being distant and evasive, you should have an open honest conversation with him and take a decision. Unless of course you finish your studies sometime soon and then you'll have a chance to be together and try to work out things, but this relationship should not be your priority, your studies should, and if he fails completely, you will besides studying do your best to have a great time in Europe :-)

[DalM0m]

Have you talked to him about what you discovered? he could be shining on his buddy; some men don't like to admit to their friends that they have fallen for a girl. The buddy could be giving him grief cause you're long distance.

While you are together, I'd come clean. Tell him you snooped & that you are sorry. Confess to having read the exchanges with the buddy & ask him why he said those things & can you talk about what he really feels. You can't be accusatory initially because all that will do is cause him to yell. Even if he does yell, you have to remain very calm until you can get him to talk.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

This was not accidental.

[smackie9]

This relationship already has issues....which has led to the snooping.

As I always say if it doesn't feel right, it's not.

[weakness85]

talk yo him about it.. he might give you BS but its up to you yo believe it.. long distance relationship and now paranoia youre going to go crazy hun... you already know where his mind is

[hkh8871]

So just in case anyone was wondering- I wanted to update a bit on how my LDR is. He just left back to America today after a week together- it was not perfect but it was nice and fun and I think exactly what we needed to get back on track and find our ways back to each other. I mean there was definitely a bit of distance but I think that it's probably for the best- mainly on my part because he was becoming too much of my "whole life" instead of a part of my life that is making me happy- which i guess was a source of one of the problems. He did admit to me that he before we were "officially" together had kissed another girl and even slept with her but after he had had sex with me for the first time he didn't have sex with anyone and that after we were "officially" together that nothing ever happened- so I was a bit upset but in the end he didn't "break any rules". When he left this morning I cried like I usually do and he wiped away my tears and held me and kissed me and said that its only 6 weeks til we see each other and that he had fun with me here. It'll get easier with time I know but the first few days of being apart are always difficult. I'm hoping our communication will get better now that we both have let go of a lot of resentment and are happier to be in this relationship together. He still hasn't said I love you, but neither have i so I guess that will come on it's own time. I'm hoping that the texts I saw were just flukes because we weren't clicking so well and he thought that I was going to break up with him...I guess I will have to take a leap of faith on that one.

[Tug]

This was not accidental.

Thats what Im thinking, she was going through his things and found something that is making her doubt his feelings for her. When I found out about my ex's cheating I did so not by accident its because I assumed she was hiding something and I was right she was. We dont go looking unless we have a reason to look, he some how gave her a reason to look and it confirmed what her intuition was telling her is true