When children misbehave...

[NiaPeach]

Hi Everyone!

What do you all think is the best way to discipline a child when they misbehave? Do you all agree with spanking children? Why or why not? Is it considered abuse to you? Why or why not? Do you think that just by talking a child and setting positive examples for their growth and development is enough? If you do have children, what do you use a form of discipline?

One of my best friends is a single mother of a 8 year old boy. His father is a dead beat. My friend is a great mother, although she spoils him quite a bit. Now he is acting up very bad in school by being a class clown. She has taken his game away from him and tried all sorts of punishments. No TV, no tablet. No company. He will be good for a few days but then, he is right back to being class clown. She is thinking of letting him live with her parents so her father can be a father figure to him and she will keep him on weekends. She feels terrible. She blames herself. I told her that she shouldnt. She is doing her part and his father should be ashame of himself and maybe thats why he is acting out. So how do you all deal with misbehaving children?

[smackie9]

Children usually act out because of what they are being exposed to in their environment. Maybe she could seek out a child counselor to help sort things out....it's difficult to control a child when you are having trouble controlling what's going on in your own life.

[basilandthyme]

I have two very different experiences of raising kids: one amazing and one which was really hard work.

My daughter is now 14 and she's never done anything bad enough to require disciplining. Truth be told, I've never even had to raise my voice to her.....I swear she was born sensible. She's the one who's school reports reflect consistent exemplary behaviour and high marks. There have been occasions where I've told her "no" and she will give a calm and rational argument as to why I may be wrong and will sometimes change my mind (I have to blame her years on the debating team for that skill). But if she can't come up with a good argument, she will accept what I say without being a drama queen.

My son has autism and had some very difficult behavioural issues, culminating in requiring medication when puberty kicked in. You mentioned spanking: I don't like spanking but did spank my son prior to diagnosis and when nothing else was working. The result: he learned to hit. The only way to stop him from hitting others was to make a blanket ban on all hitting...spanking included.

With regards to your friend's son, I'm wondering how bad his 'class clown' act is. Having worked as an aide in many classrooms, I can tell you that many of the boys can be class clown and that it's pretty normal at that age. However, the fact that his mother is punishing him makes me think his behaviour is worse than 'clown'. Perhaps this is more about disrespect and destruction than about clowning around?

At any rate, I don't believe that the solution lies in punishment. I'm more about addressing the underlying causes of the behaviour. For example, does your friend give in to him when he wants something? Is she consistent in her parenting approach? What does the 'spoiling' consist of? Does her household have a routine? Does the boy treat his mother with respect?

If there's no obvious parenting faults and the boy is disrespectful and destructive, has she seen a child psychologist? Child psychologists can often help pinpoint the underlying causes of behaviour and make suggestions as to how to rectify it.

Edited to add: I think that made me sound like I don't think he needs to be disciplined. To be clear, I believe discipline has it's place - but it must be accompanied by changes to environment/parenting.

[Wakeup]

Hi Everyone!

What do you all think is the best way to discipline a child when they misbehave? Do you all agree with spanking children? Why or why not? Is it considered abuse to you? Why or why not? Do you think that just by talking a child and setting positive examples for their growth and development is enough? If you do have children, what do you use a form of discipline?

One of my best friends is a single mother of a 8 year old boy. His father is a dead beat. My friend is a great mother, although she spoils him quite a bit. Now he is acting up very bad in school by being a class clown. She has taken his game away from him and tried all sorts of punishments. No TV, no tablet. No company. He will be good for a few days but then, he is right back to being class clown. She is thinking of letting him live with her parents so her father can be a father figure to him and she will keep him on weekends. She feels terrible. She blames herself. I told her that she shouldnt. She is doing her part and his father should be ashame of himself and maybe thats why he is acting out. So how do you all deal with misbehaving children?

Has your friend thught about going to family councelling with her son and discussing what all is going on in his mind, finding out why he gets such pleasure from being the class clown? A family councellor will work with her to discover alternate ways to discipline him as well (that will actually get results).

I don't think a set way to discipline works for all children. If taking away his privledges doesn't teach him any lessons, then she should come up with another form of dicipline that WILL teach him that his anti-social behaviour will reap upon him consequences that he will have to answer to that he won't like answering.

Taking away priveledges worked really well in teaching my daughter that bad behaviour has consequences that are uncomfortable for her. I only learned that after I discovered that talking to her and swatting her ass, didn't affect her in the least nor did it teach her any lessons. In fact, one time she was acting out and I told her that she couldn't go outside to play with her friend for two days. She cried and said "can't you just hit me and then let me go out?" Obviously, hitting her was a useless form of "punishment."

Perhaps your friend could keep him in her own home and just quit spoiling him? There are other ways then sending him out of her home to introduce him to positive male role models ~ through sport, with Big Brothers of America, with lessons in some instrument etc. I would say that sending him out of her home at this point would be the worse thing she could do. If she wants her father to show him positive traits then she should move in with her parents with her son.

Just my 2 cents.

[Nicgianni1]

Never spank. Shows lack of control on your part and disrespect unless you are showing an example after your child hits. Mental warfare so much more affective because it establishes rules. At times, children cannot be taught rules because of lack of maturity. Tell your friend to hang in there for a while. If it does not turn around, then counseling or medication may be necessary.

[smackie9]

I disagree.....kids need to know consequences for their actions, by putting the fear of god into them at an early age....this is why we have a self entitled do nothing no fear disrespectful generation now......the old wooden spoon would have done the trick.


Also too parents have their head so far up their ass about their own issues they are oblivious to what is rubbing off onto their kids.....monkey see monkey do.....mom and BF arguing all the time, mom gets new BF, mom dresses like whore to find new BF, father parties with his buddies because he works too hard, etc. So now everyone is scratching their head wondering why their kid is acting up.

[searock]

smackie, if you think that most of the young people (I'm assuming you include people my age?) nowadays are disrespectful and self-entitled, it's probable you don't actually know most of them (us?).

Hitting a child is never a good thing. A friend of mine was hit a lot as a kid and now he's aggressive, suspicious, has trouble interacting with people, etc. On the other hand I know lots of people that were never hit as kids and they are responsible, balanced adults. Of course there are exceptions in both cases, but the trend is that if you hit a child, s/he will learn that it's ok to use violence and that most people use violence therefore s/he's very much justified in using it, too. As you said, monkey see, monkey do.

[basilandthyme]

I disagree.....kids need to know consequences for their actions, by putting the fear of god into them at an early age....this is why we have a self entitled do nothing no fear disrespectful generation now......the old wooden spoon would have done the trick.

I think that a child raised with fear will do the right thing because they are scared of getting in trouble. However, I'd rather raise a child who does the right thing because it's the right thing to do. I also don't believe that fear will garner respect.

I guess I'm so much more about positive role modelling, consistent parenting and natural consequences. We are not religious, so we adopt a "humanist" type philosophy.

[Wakeup]

There was less problem when kids got hit then there seems to be now-a-days. Like I said, smacking my kid didn't work to help her to understand that there were consequences to her behaving badly. It seems that taking away privledges for OP's friend's kid does nothing to deter him so she needs to find a different method. And... I don't think anyone is talking Beating here which is never a good thing.

My guess is that the kid in question doesn't give a rats ass if his mother takes away his playstation because he knows he'll just get it back after a day or two so he can still act out and just have to wait it out. She'd do much better to take away something and never give it back or not buy him something that he's had his eye on for instance.

I have a feeling that if your friends father takes over the majority of the rearing of your friends child, op then he will indeed not be sparing the rod. Did your friend's father hit her when she was being raised do you know?

In my day if you disrespected the teacher like some of the little rug rats do in school these days, we got the strap. No one dared talk back or strike a teacher...Only the hard-ass cases that usually ended up in juvie hall.

[smackie9]

yes fear DOES garner respect. I never swore at my parents, not even another adult for that matter. It didn't traumatize us, hell we all sit around and laugh about it today...we knew we deserved it. Ya we all came out just fine.....

[smackie9]

Giving your kid a swat on the ass when it's called for doesn't turn them to accept violence. If that were so our generation would all be in jail by now.

[searock]

Giving your kid a swat on the ass when it's called for doesn't turn them to accept violence. If that were so our generation would all be in jail by now.

I doubt a simple, non-painful swat on the ass would serve the purpose, though (see Wakeup's previous post).

It just teaches the kid that it's ok to use violence rather than reason.

[tropus]

I personally thing spanking is wrong. It's even illegal in a few countries. When I think back to my own childhood, spanking was unncessary and ineffective as discipline. In fact, my parents usually just spanked me because they got into power struggles with me and did not know how to respond, and they started hitting me to try to show me who's the boss... but it didn't work. Kids are smart - they realize who is in control in those situations. When I was VERY young, there were a few times that getting a spankin' did help me to learn right from wrong... but mose of the time it was misused.

[Wakeup]

I doubt a simple, non-painful swat on the ass would serve the purpose, though (see Wakeup's previous post).

It just teaches the kid that it's ok to use violence rather than reason.

Sea: Thing is that it MIGHT work for some kids. All I'm saying is that it didn't work for mine. She just wanted the instant punishment (a spank on the ass) and then be able to carry on playing or doing what ever the hell it is she THOUGHT was acceptable behaviour for her.

The punishment that worked best for her was to take away something of importance to her or to ground her. If she went a whole week being a "good" girl then she got a gold star on the calendar on the wall in our kitchen for everyone to see. If she missed a week of stars then it showed blatantly on that months page to remind her. We were very generous with our praise when it was earned.

My point: OP's friend needs to be consistant with her dicipline and perhaps reward him when he's been a pleasure to be around. You can't ignore them when they're good and show them attention only when they have been bad. All that does is encourage them to keep being bad because at least then, they are getting some attention. Giving them material things is a poor way to reward IMO. Love, hugs, little stars and words of praise work far better to increase self-esteem then a effing video game will ever do.

[tropus]

Hi Everyone!

What do you all think is the best way to discipline a child when they misbehave? Do you all agree with spanking children? Why or why not? Is it considered abuse to you? Why or why not? Do you think that just by talking a child and setting positive examples for their growth and development is enough? If you do have children, what do you use a form of discipline?

One of my best friends is a single mother of a 8 year old boy. His father is a dead beat. My friend is a great mother, although she spoils him quite a bit. Now he is acting up very bad in school by being a class clown. She has taken his game away from him and tried all sorts of punishments. No TV, no tablet. No company. He will be good for a few days but then, he is right back to being class clown. She is thinking of letting him live with her parents so her father can be a father figure to him and she will keep him on weekends. She feels terrible. She blames herself. I told her that she shouldnt. She is doing her part and his father should be ashame of himself and maybe thats why he is acting out. So how do you all deal with misbehaving children?

It sounds to me like there is no consistency with the discipline here. She needs to come up with a plan, stick with it, and follow through with EVERYTHING so the kid knows what is expected of him and what the consequences will be for his misbehavior. And she needs to use positive reinforcement when he earns back his privileges and acknowledge the good behavior that is not a concern.