is the problem me?

[hkh8871]

Hey guys. I've posted here quite often with the issues I've been having in my LDR (which is now back on track I hope). We have been together for 10 months- he lives in America and I in Europe- we are together for about 6 months of the year plus 2 week long periods when he comes to visit me when I'm not home.

My biggest fear is that I am convincing myself of the worst in a way to protect myself. In my past relationships I have been hurt and cheated on and just treated horribly and I was so invested in these relationships and I put these men on such a pedastool that I feel as though my entire relationship with my SO now has been me constantly trying to convince myself that the bad is just around the corner, to not hold on too tightly or be too invested or to put him on a pedastool. That all these problems that I come up with are just in my head and in reality he is a good boyfriend- not the best type of movie boyfriend but a stable, committed nice guy. My friend had told me that was the case because he does do everything for me- he sacrifices other trips to take the trip to see me, he takes me out, he kisses me and holds my hand and talks of the future together. But it’s the things like the communication (yes he is incredibly busy at work and there is a 6 hour time difference and he is very stressed out- he has a severe case of ADD and takes a lot of adderall for it), and that he hasn’t said he loves me yet that make me second guess everything.

[Boisdevie]

And your question was?

Oh, and the word is 'pedestal' not pedastool.

[smackie9]

Why would you put yourself in an even more difficult type of relationship (LDR) if you have had nothing but bad experiences with men? LDRs are tough, and most do not work, makes you insecure, paranoid, and causes all kinds of anxiety. You are one desperate cookie to be wanting love this badly, to be with a guy that lives on another continent, that is too busy, and has a bad case of ADD. You can do way better than this hun.

He hasn't told you he loves you because there is no real future......one of you has to relocate or it will end. So why commit to something if moving is only a possibility? You are wasting your time.

[hkh8871]

Because I care for him. My heart tells me that I want to be with him but logically it makes no sense. I am going to relocate back home- it isn't a possibility it is a for sure thing. It is just in 3-4 years.

[Boisdevie]

It is just in 3-4 years.

I almost shit myself laughing. Only 3-4 years. Well that's OK then, certain to work. Absolutely. No problem. Foresee no problems there. You have it all worked out.

[basilandthyme]

Another 3-4 years? It's almost guaranteed that one of you will find a new local love in that time.

[smackie9]

I give it till January.....you will be on here asking us what went wrong. You are on borrowed time as it is....

[havermoutpap]

It's a really, really difficult thing to support for that long. From an objective standpoint I would try to move on as fast as possible and try to be happy with someone locally. However, as we all well know, love is not that simple. If you think you want to wait that time and try to make it work because you would regret it if you didn't, by all means, go for it. Prepare for a tough trip, though, because it seems that this LDR will come with lots of ups and downs.

[TablesandChairs]

You get one life. It's up to you as to how much of it you want to waste. If you're going to be in an LDR - there should be no doubt - if you're going to put your life on 'hold' for someone, they should be worth it. They should openly say they love you. They should stay in touch as often as possible. And more importantly, plans should be made that put an end to the distance - either he moves, you move or whatever. This involves clear discussions about the future, finances, jobs. Clearly, the longer a relationship stays long distance, the less likely it is to work out.

My friend was in an LDR for 1 year. It took him 8 months to save enough to move to the US (from Australia). It wasn't some drawn out, inconclusive saga that leaves you paranoid and unsatisfied. I don't know of a single LDR that has survived years and years. It's just silly.

[HeartIsAching]

The problem isn't you - "waiting for the other shoe to drop" is a normal response to repeated exposure to abusive relationships (not necessarily physical), and part of the cycle of violence.



You can actively resist it, though.

The other posters here are partially correct though... LDR is very tough to manage, though I think they're either missing or discounting the time you do spend together. You've got a plan, and you're at least getting some time together. Lots of men have trouble saying "I love you", so I wouldn't put too much worry into that.

[hkh8871]

I guess i need to just work on my self confidence and my own self worth. He has been very sweet and talkative since he left-given i am also being very sweet and more talkative since i am letting go of the anger and resentment i held on to for the past few weeks. I guess you get from it what you put in