My boyfriend often acts aloof or unempathetic

[freddie731]

So, I have been with this guy for 10 months. I generally enjoy my time with him, especially when we're intimate, but I find myself getting more and more bothered by some of the comments that he makes towards others. He has a habit of saying things that make him seem aloof or unempathetic (he himself said to me months ago that he really doesn't have empathy for people, but that I'm an exception). Truth be told, I don't think that he has ever said anything unempathetic to my problems, but he has on occasion said things regarding others, and to others, that make him seem somewhat aloof. Whenever they happen, they stick with me. Here are some:

On one of our first dates, we sat down to eat in a restaurant, and he immediately was rude to the waitress. I don't remember exactly what he said, but I remember being mortified and looking away. I think he was trying to be funny, but it didn't work.

More recently, when we were in the parking lot of a store, loading the car, a couple high school-aged girls came up to us and asked us to donate to a summer camp that they were a part of. They had a binder and some trinkets that they were offering; it at least seemed legit. Anyway, we said that we didn't have any money, but then my boyfriend threw in that he "helps the world with science" (he's a chemistry Ph.D. student, I'm a chemical engineering Ph.D. student). I told him after that that he sounded aloof, and he agreed.

Yesterday, then, he told me that he was going to start meeting with a student from his class on a regular basis. He has said that he refuses to meet with students outside of regular office hours, but that this girl had issues that made her an exception. The student apparently is not good in science but made the switch because she was inspired by a family member. Anyway, at some point, he referred to the student as an "idiot," which he later rephrased to "ignorant" (of the subject matter of the class). I talked to him about that too, and he said that he is not in graduate school to teach...which I suppose is true, but the word "idiot" stuck with me.

There have been other instances.

Anyway, when we are romantic, things are good, but when I am not with him, I don't generally miss him a whole heck of a lot, and when I am with him in a non-romantic context, he often bugs me by talking about his chemistry at a high level of detail, to the point of drawing figures on restaurant placemats. I wonder if the things that he says are causing this. He has been good to me and helped me through my problems, but...I don't know. I don't feel like I love him as much as I should, and I don't know if I can see myself staying with him forever. It's weird because it goes from one extreme to the other, but maybe I enjoy being with him sexually because I would enjoy being with a lot of people sexually, regardless of their personalities.

This was a rambling post, but my question is this: how do you think it might be best for me to try to forget the things that he says? Should I call him on his aloofness every time it comes up? I know that you can't really change a person, but...if you were in my situation, and you were bothered by some of his remarks, what would you do?

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To summarize: Boyfriend can be admittedly unempathetic or aloof. It often comes out when he talks to others or about others. I am unsure of how to handle it because I feel like I am overly bothered by it.

[Boisdevie]

This was a rambling post, but my question is this: how do you think it might be best for me to try to forget the things that he says? Should I call him on his aloofness every time it comes up? I know that you can't really change a person, but...if you were in my situation, and you were bothered by some of his remarks, what would you do?

If his aloofness is really bugging you then let him know you don't like it. Whether it would bug me is irrelevant, it's how you feel about it that counts.

[dem862]

Maybe he has Aspergers. Lack of empathy is one of the signs. The differential diagnosis is maybe he is just a pompous ass.

[smackie9]

I'm gonna go with pompous ass.....here this thread might be of interest to you http://www.loveforum.net/threads/85274-Biggest-date-turn-offs

[4 ratties]

To me it basically sounds like u like having sex with him and getting affection but when your not intimate u think he's rude and has bad manners. Intimacy makes u feel close but if you don't feel intimacy with him any other time, well it doesn't sound like he's the guy for you. The chances of him changing his personality is very slim.

[TablesandChairs]

It sounds like he may have Aspergers - often, they're interested in science/math/technology fields, they often go on 'monologues' about their interests and don't pick up when the other person is bored/disinterested (for example, you might find that you don't 'chat' to him like you do with other people where it just flows back and forth). They don't always know that they're being mean/aloof and have difficulty empathizing. Overall, while you can have good sex, it's difficult to 'connect' with someone who has Aspergers. They can also be full of themselves if they have high IQ, which many do.

[smackie9]

Asperger’s does not dictate personality and does not shape every aspect of who someone is. In other words he is just a rude person with possible Asperger's.

[basilandthyme]

Asperger’s does not dictate personality and does not shape every aspect of who someone is. In other words he is just a rude person with possible Asperger's.

I don't agree. Take away the ASD and you'd have a completely different person. ASD colours the way the world is interpreted and the way one interacts with others.

It's one of the reasons we've never been keen to find a *cure* for our son.....it would take away his kooky personality and replace him with someone else.

[smackie9]

I said that because not every one that has the disorder is out right rude. And that environment etc plays a factor, and well some people are just born with a rude personality. Some even self diagnose claiming they are aspie when they are not as an excuse for being rude.

From what I have read in numerous articles, some even written by aspies themselves, explain what comes off as rude, for example like brutal honesty, or showing no emotion like not being concerned....only looking at the situation logically. "Oh you fell and I see no injury, so lets get going then".

Another indicator is that they get over whelmed in large social situations like parties with a lot of people. That's why some end up as loners or just hide away. They think on a different wavelength.

There is lots of information about this disorder, especially some good inside info from those who suffer for it. They explain their day to day experiences.....it's like they are missing out on so much because they can't see emotion or social cues.....it would be like no knowing the language. It's a tough one. Many famous people are aspies and the world has definitely benefited from it.

[freddie731]

Hey everybody, thanks a lot for your input. I am still trying to decide what I think of the situation, but I definitely appreciate what outside observers have to say about it.

I just thought that I would add this epilogue to the story. My boyfriend was away in his home state this weekend for his best friend's wedding. He was one of the few non-family members invited, and he toasted the bride and groom, and he said that he really enjoyed it and that everything was very nice.

So, we had lunch today, and I was asking him about it. I then asked him about his friend's wife, what she was like. He responded by saying that he had known her for six years, and that she was nice, and had been persistent in her love for her boyfriend-turned-husband. He also said that she was "an idiot." I kept my reaction hidden and asked him why he thought that. He said that she had failed out of community college, which was shy she was "not intelligent," and that she was not a curious person. A little of my internal reaction slipped out at that point, and he responded that it was OK to point out a person's "flaws."

:-/

[smackie9]

You know if his behavior bothers you, just think what a life time of it would be like. I wouldn't stick around to find out if I were you.