Can I trust him?

[greenlantern]

I've never been jealous and insecure before, but I have never been in a serious relationship, and I have fallen completely head over heels for this guy that I've been with for a few months. He said that he loved me and knew that he wanted to marry me before we even started dating. We've known each other for a little over a year and he said that he was trying to become really good friends and establish a strong foundation for our relationship.

The problem I have is that I keep worrying about how he feels about two of his exes. He loved them both. He said he wanted to marry one, but he realized that "love isn't everything." He was only with the other one for a month (long distance). They kept talking for about 4 months after she broke up with him and he spent Christmas together with her family. I really don't think he has given me any indication that he has feelings for them, but I just wanted to get some feedback. I'm going crazy looking them up on facebook and googling them and it just makes it worse.

The first ex I learned about before we were dating. I remember we were with other friends when one of his friends brought up that he had been in a relationship with that girl. He just mentioned one or two things about her and that was it. When my bf and I started hanging out more, he kept wanting to do an activity that he had done with her, a sport that both she and I had played for most of our lives. Finally, a couple of months ago, she emailed him suddenly just to see how he and his family were doing, and wanted to be friends. When he told me about it, he said that it was unexpected but nice. This relationship was just under 2 years long and ended almost 4 years ago.

The second ex I learned about while we were dating. We had been dating for a few weeks before he was leaving for a few months. He told me that he wanted to go back to being just friends so that he could get closure with this girl. He said the way they left things were weird and messy. The worst thing was that she lives in the place that he was going to for the summer. Just about a week after he left, he called me one night, a little drunk. He was out with a big group of friends/co-workers, and his ex is part of that group, and he saw that a guy was hitting on her. He told me that he got a little upset about that. I got really sad/upset and asked if he still had feelings for her and he said yes. The next when we talked about it again, he said that it wasn't that he ever wanted to get back together with her, but his feelings were that his pride was hurt. He has told me this numerous times and he's told me that he's wanted to be with me since the moment he met me and everything he did was to make sure that our relationship would get off on the right start. He did admit that he failed. He also told me that it wasn't a hard choice to choose me over her and that once he realized how hurt I was that he still had feelings for her, he got over her right away, like the next day, because he didn't want to lose me. He also said that he was actually mean to her and yelled at her because he could have lost me. Anyway, in the past month, she came up twice. First, she liked a couple of photos of us together on facebook. He was telling me that so many people have liked our photo, including his ex, and he asked if that was ok. I said it was, but I don't know... Then, something happened in the place that he was during the summer, so he texted all of his friends to see if they were okay. He was really sad that day. When I asked him if his friends responded, he said yes, and mentioned only a few names. The first name he mentioned was his ex's and he told me what her text had said.

He's told me several times that he's over his exes, he just thinks of them as another person/friend, and he only wants to be with me but I have trust issues in the first place, so it's even harder for me to believe him. Especially with the second ex, I keep feeling like he wasn't sure if he wanted to be with me or her and he started dating me even though he was unsure. However, he keeps on telling me that it was not like that at all, that he never wanted to be with her.

Furthermore, these two exes broke up with him on his birthday. I actually posted a thread about this already. He had told me about this a long time ago, but in the week before his birthday (last week), he brought it up several times. However, it would be in the context of him being insecure sometimes and not ever really having a good birthday, so I feel a little more reassured about that, although it still bothers me sometimes when I think about it.

I'm still having a hard time believing him, believing that he wants to be with me, believing that he wants to marry me. This is driving me crazy!! Do I have anything to be concerned about?

Thank you for any feedback and for reading this really really long post.

[rugby1234]

I have bolded a few bits below, and added bolded bits aswell.

I've never been jealous and insecure before, but I have never been in a serious relationship, and I have fallen completely head over heels for this guy that I've been with for a few months. He said that he loved me and knew that he wanted to marry me before we even started dating. We've known each other for a little over a year and he said that he was trying to become really good friends and establish a strong foundation for our relationship.

This seems a little weird, no one (or very few) can know they like somebody enough to marry them early on, it seems as if he is a guy that gets very attached quickly, I wouldn't be suprised if similar things were said early on to his exes that you talk about...

The problem I have is that I keep worrying about how he feels about two of his exes. He loved them both. He said he wanted to marry one, but he realized that "love isn't everything." He was only with the other one for a month (long distance). They kept talking for about 4 months after she broke up with him and he spent Christmas together with her family. I really don't think he has given me any indication that he has feelings for them, but I just wanted to get some feedback. I'm going crazy looking them up on facebook and googling them and it just makes it worse.

I think people who form strong attachments or bonds with at some point, will always have some feelings for them. You won't just forget about them, particularlry if his exe's ended it with him. And also ging back to what I said previously, it seems as if your boyfriend forms strong attachments quickly...

The first ex I learned about before we were dating. I remember we were with other friends when one of his friends brought up that he had been in a relationship with that girl. He just mentioned one or two things about her and that was it. When my bf and I started hanging out more, he kept wanting to do an activity that he had done with her, a sport that both she and I had played for most of our lives. Finally, a couple of months ago, she emailed him suddenly just to see how he and his family were doing, and wanted to be friends. When he told me about it, he said that it was unexpected but nice. This relationship was just under 2 years long and ended almost 4 years ago.

The second ex I learned about while we were dating. We had been dating for a few weeks before he was leaving for a few months. He told me that he wanted to go back to being just friends so that he could get closure with this girl. He said the way they left things were weird and messy. The worst thing was that she lives in the place that he was going to for the summer. Just about a week after he left, he called me one night, a little drunk. He was out with a big group of friends/co-workers, and his ex is part of that group, and he saw that a guy was hitting on her. He told me that he got a little upset about that. I got really sad/upset and asked if he still had feelings for her and he said yes. The next when we talked about it again, he said that it wasn't that he ever wanted to get back together with her, but his feelings were that his pride was hurt. He has told me this numerous times and he's told me that he's wanted to be with me since the moment he met me and everything he did was to make sure that our relationship would get off on the right start. He did admit that he failed. He also told me that it wasn't a hard choice to choose me over her and that once he realized how hurt I was that he still had feelings for her, he got over her right away, like the next day, because he didn't want to lose me. He also said that he was actually mean to her and yelled at her because he could have lost me. Anyway, in the past month, she came up twice. First, she liked a couple of photos of us together on facebook. He was telling me that so many people have liked our photo, including his ex, and he asked if that was ok. I said it was, but I don't know... Then, something happened in the place that he was during the summer, so he texted all of his friends to see if they were okay. He was really sad that day. When I asked him if his friends responded, he said yes, and mentioned only a few names. The first name he mentioned was his ex's and he told me what her text had said.

He's told me several times that he's over his exes, he just thinks of them as another person/friend, and he only wants to be with me but I have trust issues in the first place, so it's even harder for me to believe him. Especially with the second ex, I keep feeling like he wasn't sure if he wanted to be with me or her and he started dating me even though he was unsure. However, he keeps on telling me that it was not like that at all, that he never wanted to be with her.

Furthermore, these two exes broke up with him on his birthday. I actually posted a thread about this already. He had told me about this a long time ago, but in the week before his birthday (last week), he brought it up several times. However, it would be in the context of him being insecure sometimes and not ever really having a good birthday, so I feel a little more reassured about that, although it still bothers me sometimes when I think about it.

I'm still having a hard time believing him, believing that he wants to be with me, believing that he wants to marry me. This is driving me crazy!! Do I have anything to be concerned about?

Thank you for any feedback and for reading this really really long post.

Hmm, I can see your concern regarding the Exe's. How old are you and your boyfriend?

I think you're right to question his motives and feel uncomfortable about his contact with his exe's. Love and marriage seem to be words used often with your boyfriend, so I would take what he says with a pinch of salt...

Just talk to him about how you feel, take a step back and try to see how he acts around his previous partners, does he have a history of cheating? Has he got it in him to cheat?

Hopefully, I have helped a little.