How much sharing is too much?

[abicer81]

Hi everyone, I'm new forums so please bare with me. I would love for you guys and gals to chime in on this with your opinions.I've been dating "jill" for a few weeks now after being single for 6 years. This poor girl is basically dating a virgin. I really like her personality and she's sooo beautiful. She's very accepting and non-judgemental. I just melt when im around her. We are quickly becoming attached to each other. Some concerns are coming up though. Please keep in mind I have not expressed any concern to her about it. She has no idea these things are bothering me.

Other guys. They're everywhere. She says most of her friends are guys because thats all she work's with. Her best friend is a guy. She says he has a family and is 10 years her senior. I've never met him. They see each other everyday for about 3 hours. They go to the gym on her lunch break and after work, both times she's too busy to call or text. By the time she gets home at around 7:30, it's too late for me to come over. So that leaves us with weekends only or a short visit/sleep over here and there during the week. I finally grew some balls and asked about him. It was a normal question. Nothing invasive. She became very defensive! She says she's been to his house but I didn't ask if she met his wife because I didn't want to start an argument. Yesterday (sunday), we couldn't spend time together because she worked on a painting for him the entire day. I left early in the morning. She asks me at 8:30 pm to come back over to spend the night but sleeps with her back facing me the whole night. We haven't been intimate yet, which is ok with me, but we usually snuggle up. She knows my goat doesn't wander random farms so I don't think she was worried about me trying to ravage her. Wasn't an issue before.

Saturday we were coming home from a day together and one of her friends comes up beside her and honks. She didn't open the window, just communicated with smiles and hand gestures. Nothing inappropriate. Then she tells me he's been chasing her for 2 years. Wondering what he would have said had she opened the window considering he didn't see me. Then he notices me and gives me a nasty look. We get home, there's a small gift on the front porch from a different friend who also has been chasing her for years. She gets at least 50 texts a day from guys. Yet I don't hear from her much throughout the day.

She's also not very open. She won't even let me see her paintings lol. She doesn't say much. I helped her friend move and while we were there, jill leaves with a (female) friend without saying anything to me. Little by little eveyone starts leaving and someone finally asks me if I need a ride. I find out then that Jill had gone to the new apaprtment we were moving things to. It was embarrassing. I didn't know anyone there. Didn't even text!I'm wondering if this is normal. Not sure what to make of it. My heart says it's not a big deal but my mind wants to be jealous and distrustful. What should I do? Would love to hear back from you guys with your opinions. Thanks!!!!

[vashti]

She's also not very open. She won't even let me see her paintings lol. She doesn't say much. I helped her friend move and while we were there, jill leaves with a (female) friend without saying anything to me. Little by little eveyone starts leaving and someone finally asks me if I need a ride. I find out then that Jill had gone to the new apaprtment we were moving things to. It was embarrassing. I didn't know anyone there. Didn't even text!I'm wondering if this is normal.

No, this is not normal. It is disrespectful and inconsiderate. Aside from all the other men who are hanging around, this alone would be a deal-breaker. Do you really not think you can do any better?

[somehelp4me]

She sounds self involved and likes all the male attention, I bet she hasn't discouraged on of her so called male " friends " ever!
She was inconsiderate and rude to you on the day of the move, shows how little she cares about or thinks of you, she forgot all about you.
Be distrustful.

[TheEvilJester]

You were helping HER friend move and she just wanders off without so much as a word to you? Was she your ride as well? Either way, no that is not normal, and yes that is extremely inconsiderate. Granted, if you were both there to help with the moving, then there wasn't a problem with her going off to help at the new place. The problem was in not even letting you know.

From what you describe about the other men, that doesn't sound terribly normal either. I mean, I'm sure she can't help it if a lot of guys find her attractive. But, if she has no interest in these guys romantically, it sure as heck doesn't sound like she is making that clear to them. Does that mean she is secretly playing with a bunch of guys' hearts at once? Not necessarily. She could be 100% faithful to one guy at a time and truthfully just has a bunch of guys who are infatuated with her. But, if she is going to be in a relationship with anybody, she would need to learn to start setting boundaries with other guys, and if they can't take the hint, then she shouldn't even be friends with them. Granted, in a strong relationship you should know you can trust each other, but you also shouldn't have to be put into situations where that is deliberately tested.

Without knowing more, or being closer to the situation, we can't really tell you. But, it also seems to sound like she gives more time to these random guys than she does to you as well. Which, again, if you are in a relationship that is not normal.

Again, though, I am just reacting to the details of the story you have shared with us. Could be my gut feeling on it is wrong. Maybe she is just one of those girls who can't seem to help the effect they have on guys. Maybe she is 100% loyal and devoted. But, even if that is the case, she really needs to learn to be more assertive with these guys ad be sure they know it is okay to be friends, but not to actively pursue her if she is in a relationship.

[abicer81]

I appreciate all the advice. The issues with the guys is that they don't even know we're together. On the day of the move, she introduced me as her friend. Not sure why she's afraid to tell her friends we're dating....

[Boisdevie]

She's not treating you very well is she. And you're not even shagging? What's the point staying with her - you must be pretty bloody desperate.

[abicer81]

It's really not a matter of desperation. She has good qualities too. Aside from this crap she's an amazing girl. That's why I'm trying to give it a chance. Otherwise, I'd move on.

[abicer81]

So what do you guys think? Move on or take a chance? I'll go with the majority!

[TheEvilJester]

In situations like this, I often say I don't think I am necessarily the best candidate to give advice. I have always been a huge romantic, in love with love and dreaming of some day finding my own true love. So, I know I tend to lean towards giving things a chance.

From what we have heard here, it doesn't sound like she is very considerate of you. I am thinking, in the end, your best bet is probably going to be to break it off. But, I would personally suggest you do at least talk to her about it. The most important thing you can do whenever having a serious talk about a relationship is to remember to do your best not to turn it into a fight. It shouldn't be to accuse the other of wrongdoing, or grill her to get her to agree to change. You should just openly and honestly share your feelings (something I know is hard for us guys to do) and hopefully she will understand and want to make things better. I would tell her that you feel like you don't spend much time together, and that you know she probably doesn't mean it this way, but it makes you feel less important than these other guys who are supposed to just be her friends.

Maybe she just truly does not see that she is being unfair. Having an honest and open talk with her that is not accusatory, and does not break down into a fight could help her to realize that what she has been doing is hurting you. If she truly wants to be with you, she would learn how to deal with all of that better. It doesn't sound like she is very considerate, but that could really just be because we only know the little about her that you shared with us here. Good luck, my friend.

[abicer81]

Thanks. I'm certain she'll get defensive if I try to talk to her about it. I'm not one to fight about things. I do my best with her. I give her a lot of attention and I'm very affectionate with her. But what can we do? Welcome to life lol

[somehelp4me]

I had a buddy go through something similar with a girl, and in his case she was embarrassed to tell others especially her droves of make "friends" she was dating him because he wasn't according to her after the fact as hot as most of her male "friends" and they wouldn't understand why she would date him and not them.
Hate to take it down to something as superficial as looks, but could it be that for her? Call up some of her male "friends" and let them know yourself that she is your girlfriend and see how she handles that if she flips out, move on.
I'd vote move on before the talk, rude is rude and she is rude and selfish.

[abicer81]

Thanks. I'm not calling her friends lol. Some of these people she introduces me to as friend are older and not really the type you'd expect her to be embarrassed in front of for something like that. But you may still have a valid point. Why the hell is dating so damn difficult hahaha

[TablesandChairs]

She has a life that is not compatible with a serious relationship at the moment. I'd say she leads some of these men on - you know, doesn't say 'yes or no' directly because she enjoys the attention. Men don't 'chase' someone for 2 years if they're not getting *something* back. If it was a clear "F Off" or "No way, back off", they'd have moved on by now.

She's also rude/inconsiderate.

Up to you.

[abicer81]

Looks like I may have to break it off. It's too bad. Yesterday, I didn't even hear from her after the morning. Seems like she's not interested but at the same time she constantly tells me how happy I make her etc. Talk about confusion. Best to end it now before we get attached to one another! Thank you all for your advice.

[TheEvilJester]

She has a life that is not compatible with a serious relationship at the moment. I'd say she leads some of these men on - you know, doesn't say 'yes or no' directly because she enjoys the attention. Men don't 'chase' someone for 2 years if they're not getting *something* back. If it was a clear "F Off" or "No way, back off", they'd have moved on by now.

She's also rude/inconsiderate.

Up to you.

Agreed. She may not necessarily be encouraging the attention (honestly, some women just get a lot of male attention and cannot help it) but she is obviously not doing anything to discourage it either. There is nothing wrong with her having a lot of male friends. Again, some women have many male friends, some even feel they get along better with men as friends than they do with women. However, the problem lies in her having so many guys who are basically "chasing after" her, and she has apparently done nothing to make it clear to them she is not interested. She owes it to them, and to anybody she actually would want to consider a serious relationship, to let them know the truth. And, if the truth is that she is literally stringing these guys along because she likes the attention, then she doesn't deserve any of them or you. Hopefully she is just a nice girl stuck in a tricky situation, but even if that is the case she still needs to grow up and learn to deal with it.