Can a relationship work out if a man for whatever reason barely wants sex?

[DianneL]

My best friend Jenny knows a guy like that. He only had one relationship in his life and had sex very few times with the gf (he only did it in order for the gf not to leave and to appear normal) and never really felt any connection with it. He's been single for years ever since, is 26 years old and sex doesn't turn him on but according to my friend, he does like going on a date, talking a lot, kissing and holding hands. He does likes women but not really into sex or anything deep.

I was wondering if a guy like him would be great? I'm going to ask my friend to introduce me to him. I'm tired of men trying to make early moves.

But this is really new to me. Is it really possible for a guy to really feel nothing sexually and practically have no sex drive and only want to kiss and hand holds? I know it's usually us that don't want sex right away because we don't feel like the way guys do. But for a guy to not feel that??? I'm still thinking about it. If I get into a relationship with him, will it work out? Jenny wouldn't mind introducing me to him but she keeps saying I'll get bored just like his ex gf.

I would like some replies please. I posted this on another relationship and dating forum and all I saw was 100+ views and no replies. Please answer.....

[vashti]

I am assuming that you are younger than he is, and that you have not yet reached your sexual peak, so you probably can take it or leave it (sex) for now. However, it is very likely once you know your own body better, and learn how to have good sex, you will resent his lack of interest. A man who won't have sex with you is a friend, not a lover.

[DianneL]

Yes, I've just turned 23 (only 3 yrs age gap) on September and maybe I don't really know what's really great/average sex. I'm just so tired of the guys that would push early for sex and are known to have been around the block as I never was into casual sex. I'm also sick of tired of guys that sleep around but expect a woman with fewer sexual experience and insult women that go through the same stage they went too. Just like they care too much about a woman's sexual past, I ask for the same in return. I definitely care about a man's sexual past too. Though, I've never dealt with a man that has very low to barely any sex drive but that likes doing nonsexual things.

The reason I'm considering dating him is because sometimes I feel trapped between accepting a man's past wild phase and some people telling me to just get over it or dating a very religious man or one with very little sex drive like this guy. There isn't any normal guy that only had let's say like 1-3 long-term relationships and nothing else (no ONS, no casual sex, no FWB). I always wanted a guy like me, into relationships only.

[Wakeup]

But this is really new to me. Is it really possible for a guy to really feel nothing sexually and practically have no sex drive and only want to kiss and hand holds?

Yes, its very normal when the guy isn't attracted to females, has erectile disfunction or is a-sexual.

Do yourself a favor and make sure you're similar in libido before you settle for someone who isn't going to want to have sex with you regularily. It appears you don't have much sexual experience and it would be a shame if you did the ole bait and switch on some poor guy that wants it multiple times a day or, you find out you want it multiple times a day and you're with someone who is a-sexual. Understand?

[DianneL]

Yes, its very normal when the guy isn't attracted to females, has erectile disfunction or is a-sexual.

That guy does find women cute but he just doesn't see us in a sexual manner. This is a guy I can talk, go out to the movies, hug and kiss but he won't be too much into sex. I think he beats me in sex drive. I thought mine is low but base on how Jenny and other people she knows that know that about him too, I think his is even lower.

Do yourself a favor and make sure you're similar in libido before you settle for someone who isn't going to want to have sex with you regularily. It appears you don't have much sexual experience and it would be a shame if you did the ole bait and switch on some poor guy that wants it multiple times a day or, you find out you want it multiple times a day and you're with someone who is a-sexual. Understand?

Yeah, I understand. If we don't match in the end then that's when I'll realize he probably isn't the one for me but it wouldn't be bad to try dating him. My friend will introduce me to him by tomorrow afternoon and I'll see how it goes from there.

[Wakeup]

Live and learn I guess. You won't be the first two people in the world that hurt one another when what you're in isn't what you want.

Have fun. Just don't fall for him if he's gay. You don't want to be his 'beard'

[SimplyAmorous]

The reason I'm considering dating him is because sometimes I feel trapped between accepting a man's past wild phase and some people telling me to just get over it or dating a very religious man or one with very little sex drive like this guy. There isn't any normal guy that only had let's say like 1-3 long-term relationships and nothing else (no ONS, no casual sex, no FWB). I always wanted a guy like me, into relationships only.

I think you are very smart to want to find a partner who looks upon sex in the same light as yourself.. you hold the Romantic view of sexuality (explained below)... from what you say here... Now a guy who has NO or little sex drive, it may sound OK now.. but this would get OLD for you, you won't feel desired or loved by him down the road... men are supposed to have 10+ times more testosterone over women, and are in their PRIME in their 20's.. I would seriously wonder what may be wrong with him without a sex drive... if he is religious and believes in waiting, that is one thing.. but if he just isn't into it..this is completely another "animal" that should cause some concern, unless you too are A-sexual and/or very low drive and prefer a man like this... as women age, we generally get MORE sexual.. while men tone it down some, if this is the best he is now.. he will be like a Monk in his 40's...

Ok.. for a look at the 6 sexual views...explained in the book "Bringing Sex into Focus: The Quest for Sexual Integrity" ..

1. Covenantal View ~ "Become one flesh". : Sex forges a permanent bond between 2 people...a representation of God’s covenantal relationship, it is a life-uniting act.. the Becoming of "one flesh" meant for marriage only.... to take sex lightly is not only disloyal to one’s spouse but also an affront to God... why the Traditional Wedding ceremony contains the words, “What God has joined together, let no man put asunder.”

2. Procreative View ~ "Be Fruitful & multiply" :The purpose of sex is to produce children...Thus sex must be heterosexual, genital & “embrace the hope of fruitfulness.” Also acknowledges that sexual relations that lack present enjoyment would hamper the marriage bond - whether they conceive or not.

3. Romantic View ~ "save yourself for the one, your beloved"
Sex should be reserved for those who are deeply in love with the strings of emotional attachment/commitment. Loveless sex is not appropriate, People should be sexually faithful as long as love lasts. Those who hold the romantic view often talk in terms of sex as sacred, as a Gift to be preserved & given to someone of profound significance.

Romantic view holds that sex should be connected with a thirst for deep psychological & bodily knowledge, Mutually reciprocated gift-giving & intimacy are it's purpose.

The feeling of being in love is a feeling that one’s beloved is an irreplaceable soul mate.

Complications arise, however, when romantic feelings do not last or when someone who has made a commitment to sexual exclusivity finds himself or herself in love with someone else.

The romantic view emphasizes interpersonal intimacy, but sees the duration of commitment as contingent. Commitment lasts for as long as romantic love lasts. But commitment is a must. A one-time encounter with a stranger may be consensual -but it would not be appropriate for those who hold the Romantic view.

4. "Plain Sex" view~ "just enjoy it for what it is".... Cultural constructs linking love & sex are outmoded: Sexual desire is an acute bodily desire for physical contact with another. Sex is an intensely pleasurable physical activity. Sex should be based on mutual consent leading to mutual sexual satisfaction, so that “noone gets hurt.”

In the 1970's, Alan Goldman , penned an article entitled “Plain Sex” -speaking of the times reliable & convenient birth control & undermined any link between sex & commitment.
With the practice of “safe sex,” recreational sex began to seem appropriate between consenting adults. Throughout history...many seen sex "for pleasure alone" ... but before reliable contraception such people were widely viewed as irresponsible libertines and gigolos, if male, and for females, the word even worse.

This view claims feels the above views are outdated, no longer do we need to link Love & sex..... Sexuality is now best seen as simply an acute physical desire for an intensely pleasurable physical activity that naturally leads to engaging in bodily exploration.

This view puts its emphasis on mutual consent/ mutual consideration leading to mutual satisfaction. When “no one gets hurt” and each party gets what he or she wants, plain sex appears to avoid lots of problems.

5. Power View ~ Sexuality is a potent instrument for controlling others/ sex wields power". ... Sexual desire is the desire to possess another, while wanting to avoid being objectified by the other. One must be savvy to the potential for sexual exploitation, manipulation and violence (in it's rawest forms).

Sexuality is seen as "energy", as a force, Sexual interaction lays us bare & can strip us of control as we surrender to desire. Knowing oneself as a being who commands another’s sexual attention is invigorating / experiencing oneself as sexually attractive is enlivening. Yet this power is fragile & leaves you at the mercy of another's way of seeing - when I become a “sex object,” someone else decides whether I am valued, set aside, desired or dismissed.

In order to seize control & not be controlled, I need to objectify my sexual “partner” (in thought or by actions) before my sexual “partner” can objectify me... “Partner” becomes a misnomer because the mutuality of such encounters is mutual rivalry in a contest over power.

Self-Protection is vital here...one must enter into sexual relationships with one’s eyes wide open, savvy about the potential for exploitation & manipulation, taking care to preserve one’s own dignity by not being the victim of another’s conscious or unconscious exertions of power.

6. Expressive View~ "a form of self expression"...Sex is a source of personal empowerment that is central to human flourishing. Sexual restraint is unnatural but sexuality should be used without hampering the empowerment of others

Sexual expression garners creative power. Writer Sally Tinsdale voices a modest version of this view saying .... “Sex can help us to like ourselves and find a generosity of spirit, open ourselves to the world and simply be alive".... another calls it "body language".....

Another says ..."I believe that the celebration of the erotic & of our desire to express it sexually ought to be a major issue in our life together because it is the primary wellspring of our capacity to be creative together ... to love one another, write poetry, struggle for justice & friendship".

Because the expressive lens sees sexual expression as vital to personal empowerment, it sees sexual restraint as diminishing or warping the self.

The importance placed on sexual expression as part of a full human life sets the view apart from the plain sex view, as it is more than just a desire for pleasure..however intense. It sees sexuality and sexual activity as central to one's identity.

[dem862]

I was dumped by a woman for not being sexual enough. In reality, I just wasn't that attracted to HER. With my current girl, we have done it 2-5 times a week since we met a year and half ago. Contrary to popular belief, some men can and do exercise sexual self-control. The assumption that a man must be gay, asexual or have ED because he doesn't want to bed a particular woman is overly general, and unfairly perpetuates the myth that all normal men are sexually indiscriminate.

[searock]

I was dumped by a woman for not being sexual enough. In reality, I just wasn't that attracted to HER.

So why didn't you dump her? Why were you with her in the first place?

She was right in dumping you btw: you weren't sexual enough with her, and that's all that mattered.

The assumption that a man must be gay, asexual or have ED because he doesn't want to bed a particular woman is overly general, and unfairly perpetuates the myth that all normal men are sexually indiscriminate.

I completely agree with this statement^^. However, in this case, the OP isn't talking about a guy that doesn't want to sleep with one specific woman, she is talking about a guy that appears to have no sexual drive at all.