Very good relationship, girlfriend has sex issues though.

[Kilocake]

So, I am in a relationship with a really amazing girl. We've been together for 2 months and we're together a lot of the time. I'm 29 and she's 27 and we've both been in a fair amount of relationships before and all that so we know what we're looking for. I find her smart, beautiful, funny, and I'm happy with her professional level. I really love her and I want to stay with her hopefully forever.

There is however one problem and that is that she has major issues with sex. I'm sorry to say that the stem from the fact that she was sexually assaulted 3 years ago. She told me about it on our first date and she said she had counseling for it, I am sorry to hear it but I still want her. The issue specifically is that she rarely wants to have sex, maybe 1-2 times a week and then it's hurried through. She also doesn't seem interested in doing anything like oral or adventurous stuff. She sometimes tries to hide her nudity from me in weird ways too. I am sensitive to her and I hate that she had to deal with that pain.

I have talked to her about my concerns a couple times but it didn't help. If there isn't going to be a normal sex life, then it will all just get messed up one day because honestly when she turns me down sometimes it makes me feel hurt and mad. I just can't help it, I have needs. I really love her and I try so hard to make her feel special as much as I can. I want to know how to fix this one issue so I can have a completely happy relationship.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Not your issue to fix. Badgering her won't help. Just break up and find a new girl.

[Ugly_Swan]

Yeah, I would echo dumping her.

I mean it depends-- is she actually serious about getting help? What kind of assault was it? Because, I'm sorry, but could she at all be using it as an excuse? (like if it's a minor assault--i mean 3 years ago--come on)

And problem is--although you are amazing in that you want to help her and are willing to bear through it (which is like omg my non-realistic dream for what a guy should be like)--sex is crucial to a relationship. She is not ready for a romantic relationship if she is not ready for sexual connection. And it's not something you can fix--it has to come from HER WANTING TO LET GO of the pain/problem/past. =/

[Starnique]

That first paragraph of yours was very insensitive. Who are you to say when she should get over something as serious as a sexual assault?.....ugly swan.

Also, I agree with moving on. Communication is key. If this a woman who you love you should give her the opportunity to try and get better. It's your call. Eventually if nothing chases, you'll resent her for not giving into your sexual needs and she'll resent you for not understanding. She needs to work thru her problems so she can become a healthy individual. Not just physically but mentally as well. Get it together for herself first and then she can be equipped for a relationship.

[michelle23]

I think you should tell her how you feel. I know its a sensitive topic and its not gonna be easy but you need to be honest. Tell her sex is important to you and you want her to feel safe and to enjoy it. You also want it to be more often. Ask her to go to counselling now and to try and find a more healthy attitude towards sex.

Ugly swan-you cant just "get over" a sexual assault. An attempted rape can be just as traumatizing as an actual raoe and without professional help over a very long period of time, she will never adapt a healthy approach to sex. Please do not comment on these kinda topics if you know nothing about them. Your comment was very insensitive and will not help OP in any way.

OP you are only together two months. Only you can decide if this girl is worth it. Shes v damaged and needs a lot of help and may never get better. If your going to commit, you need to understand and accept that sex may never be a big part of your life. It may be better to walk away but only you can decide

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[Ugly_Swan]

That first paragraph of yours was very insensitive. Who are you to say when she should get over something as serious as a sexual assault?.....ugly swan.

Also, I agree with moving on. She needs to work thru her problems so she can become a healthy individual. Not just physically but mentally as well. Get it together for herself first and then she can be equipped for a relationship.

That's why I was saying it depends and was asking WHAT KIND of "assault" it was. We don't know if it was really serious or if she is one of those people that look for things to be wrong with them (I knew two girls like this).

And yeah? guess what? the world IS insensitive to others' problems. I have major emotional issues--you know what I received from my BF when I showed it? "You're hurting yourself--you're choosing to feel like this." So you know what, if I'm not allowed to wallow, then neither should others (especially those older than I)--mind you I have issues because of life-long problems, whereas this girl's problems (from what we know) happened from ONE INCIDENT (during which she probably had agency and could've avoided it or protected herself better, etc.)

My point is not that he should tell her what I commented lol it was to assess the situation based on many factors--without knowing how bad her problem is and MOST IMPORTANTLY (as I mentioned) how badly she wants to truly move on, it's hard to advise.

[Starnique]

I'm not even going to go there with you. You obviously need professional help also cause the only thing you got right in that is your name.

[michelle23]

Ya the poor me act dont wash with me.. OP please ignore this BS. Some people just come here to vent their own anger on others. Not to actually help. Ignore, ignore, ignore

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[Ugly_Swan]

I'm not even going to go there with you. You obviously need professional help also cause the only thing you got right in that is your name.

Too bad your name is missing something descriptive. woof woof.

And like how is what you say supposed to hurt me or something if I'm the one that CHOSE the name willingly??? lol fail

[Ugly_Swan]

Ya the poor me act dont wash with me.. OP please ignore this BS. Some people just come here to vent their own anger on others. Not to actually help. Ignore, ignore, ignore

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Oh, you mean like....just like his GF is playing a "poor me" act? Please.

I literally brought up the same points as you. Yet just because I recognized that his GF MAY (not IS, MAY) be doing the same thing you accuse me of (playing poor me), then all of a sudden I get hate.

[Ugly_Swan]

And instead of attacking me, they could've easily focused on the ACTUAL SUBJECT instead...

[michelle23]

And instead of attacking me, they could've easily focused on the ACTUAL SUBJECT instead...

Your not focusing on the ACTUAL SUBJECT. Your putting 2 and 2 together and getting 10. You have no right to accuse his gf of anything and your just derailing this thread by making it about you. Go and start your own thread if you wana talk about you.

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[Ugly_Swan]

Your not focusing on the ACTUAL SUBJECT. Your putting 2 and 2 together and getting 10. You have no right to accuse his gf of anything and your just derailing this thread by making it about you. Go and start your own thread if you wana talk about you.

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I repeat my first post in this thread:

"Yeah, I would echo dumping her.

I mean it depends-- is she actually serious about getting help? What kind of assault was it? Because, I'm sorry, but could she at all be using it as an excuse? (like if it's a minor assault--i mean 3 years ago--come on)

And problem is--although you are amazing in that you want to help her and are willing to bear through it (which is like omg my non-realistic dream for what a guy should be like)--sex is crucial to a relationship. She is not ready for a romantic relationship if she is not ready for sexual connection. And it's not something you can fix--it has to come from HER WANTING TO LET GO of the pain/problem/past. =/"

I highlighted in red the only part where I mentioned myself. The other stuff boils down to assessing how likely it is that she is ready to get healed because you can't have a long-term relationship without sexuality.

I'm done with this thread.

Good luck to Kilocake.

[michelle23]

Yes i agree sex is important and shes not ready for a real relationship. That doesnt mean shes exagerating what happened to her or that shes using it as an excuse.

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[Exeter19]

find things she would be comfortable doing sexually, maybe she can handjob you till you cum, or you just finger her her oral on her, not always just sex until she gets more comfortable being naked and sexual with you. if you don't have the patience now, you never will. so now is the time to decide stay or tell her you cant be in a relationship with her.