could really use some outside advice

[usernameinvalid]

Ok so, there's a girl I met online just over a year ago who lives in the US (I'm Canadian). We became about as close of friends as it's possible to be without seeing one another in person, mostly by way of email or skype. She's a few years younger than me and just started college. We sort of went through rough break ups at the same time and helped each other through them. After that we acknowledged that we both really liked one another and went through a brief period where we attempted a long distance relationship. It didn't take long for us to realize that was a horrible idea and we made the decision to stay friends for the time being. We tried making plans to see one another but things kept getting complicated and it just wasn't possible. Normally I would never even bother trying to make plans like this to begin with, but this girl just seems so perfect for me, that I just wanted to wait it out in case things ever worked out.

As things stand right now, I have moved to a new place for a 2 year program and shes basically stuck where she is indefinitely, at least 5-6 years minimum. And since school has begun, we've barely been able to talk at all. We had a half-baked idea that once I finished my program I might just move there but because of the particular industry I'm getting into, and the location that she's at, it seems unlikely that it would work. I've tried to stay optimistic, but deep down I think I knew that this was going to fall apart eventually.

Now things have gotten even more complicated. There's a girl in my program that seems interested in me, and shes the kind of girl that you would not want to pass up, she's smart, funny, very pretty, artistic. She just has a great personality. In some ways she even reminds me of the first girl.

I really want to make a move with the girl here, but at the same time I feel an obligation to to the first one. Even though we're not in a relationship, I have a feeling she still wants to be with me even though it was originally her that doubted our future together to begin with. Honestly, if she had gotten a boyfriend and broken the news to me just a couple weeks ago it would have destroyed me and I can't help but feel like I could potentially be doing the same thing to her. The last thing I want to do is hurt her, especially because shes so nice and so great, but so is the new girl.

I can't see any way that this plays out without somebody getting hurt, and I just don't know what to do. There are a lot more factors here in play than I feel I can properly explain right now, but that's about the gist of it. And there have been times in the past when I've made huge mistakes that have caused a lot of damage and I reeeaaally want to avoid doing that anymore. I just seem to have a knack for putting myself in these situations I guess....


I would REALLY appreciate some unbiased feedback. I don't even really know what I'm expecting from you guys, but I don't really have anybody in my life that I can talk to about this kind of stuff right now.

[basilandthyme]

The only thing you really owe this girl is to not string her along. Tell her what you wrote here: it seems unlikely that it would work. I've tried to stay optimistic, but deep down I think I knew that this was going to fall apart eventually. Yes, she may beg and plead, but stay firm. Thing is, staying with someone because they can't bear to lose you is the wrong reason to stay.

It's up to you as to whether or not you tell her that you've met someone who's local. If the two of you share no mutual friends, I probably wouldn't tell her. But if you do have mutual friends, it's probably better to come clean so that she doesn't accuse you of lying to her.

And for what it's worth, I think you're doing the right thing by ending the long distance thing which never got off the ground. It's far more sensible to chase a fabulous local girl

[usernameinvalid]

Thanks that's really good advice.

Thing is, staying with someone because they can't bear to lose you is the wrong reason to stay.

Funny you should say that since that was the exact same situation I found myself in with my last girlfriend.


But yeah, I wish I didn't have to tell her, but it's pointless not to... I mean, we're friends on basically every social media outlet I use, she added my best friend on facebook and they sometimes talk. She's just sort of ingrained in my life at the moment. I couldn't exactly keep a new girlfriend secret for long.

I think I already knew what I needed to do before I posted here though... I guess I'm just putting off the inevitable and trying to justify my decision. I just hate what I have to do now. I don't even know how I'm going to do it...

[michelle23]

Ok the only mistake you made is getting close to a stranger online that its absolutely impossible to be with. Its a fantasy relationship based on what ifs and half assed empty future promises.. and if you did leave your whole life in canada for this girl you would be insane coz you dont even no how the two of you would click in a real life relationship.

You need to cut off this friendship completely. Its not healthy for either of you. Just tell her you dont see a future, theres too many obstacles and you feel its better if you both find someome closer to home. Also tell her you cant be friends anymore coz it would be cheating on a new bf/gf

Once you have done that, then you dont need to dive straight in with new girl. Your comparing these two girls to each other right now so you need to stop that first

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