How to get over him...

[Kate-123]

Okay, this is going to be a long post but I’ll keep it as concise as possible! I’m really stuck and I’m not sure what to do – in desperate need of some advice/suggestions.

Three years ago, at the start of 2011, I met this guy (we’ll call him P). We were both moving on college at uni at the same time so we chatted for a bit. I didn’t really see or speak to him much over the year from what I remember. Towards the end of the year, he got my number as I was helping him out with one of our classes. We started texting a bit and getting to know each other a bit better, but nothing serious. I developed a bit of a crush on him, but then I found out he had recently got a new girlfriend so I backed off.

Over the summer break, we spent a fair amount of time together – not alone though, just drinking with friends. One day he called me and asked if I wanted to have dinner with him. I said sure, why not, so he made me dinner and then we drank with friends again. At the end of the night he offered to walk me home (it was about a minute walk to my flat). When we got to my place he asked if he could stay with me and got into my bed. He still was with his girlfriend so I wasn’t really comfortable with it, but he insisted. So I let him stay with me but said there’d be no sex. As we were lying in bed he confessed that I’m one of his best friends and that he wanted me to be his girlfriend. I reminded him that he already had a girlfriend and he said he wanted to break up with her. I said that we’d talk about it the next day when we were both sober. We didn’t talk about it the next day though.

A few weeks later he broke up with his girlfriend and then went a bit off the rails with alcohol, so I lost interest. The new uni semester started, he met a new girl and they started a relationship. We spoke about their relationship a few times over the months and he really seemed to love her. He had a history of cheating on his girlfriends but he proudly told me that he hadn’t yet cheated on her. A few months later, they broke up because she had cheated on him and then he cheated on her in retalitation. He was a mess after the break up and I find it real turn-off – he was drunk for weeks afterwards.

Eventually, he leveled out again and went back to the guy I liked. By then, however, I was in a relationship so I wasn’t really interested. At the start of this year I broke up with my boyfriend (in March). A month later I started to talk to P again properly, and the feelings for him came flooding back. We were out one night for his birthday and I told him that I had feelings for him. He was surprised and didn’t think I liked him. I asked him out but said we’d talk about it when we were sober. That night we fooled around a bit and he also asked me out. The next morning, however, I freaked out for some reason. I changed my mind about asking him out, worried about his problems with alcohol and his terrible reputation for cheating. A week later, however, I decided that we had enough trust between us for that not to be an issue. In response though, he said that he didn’t think it was a good idea at the moment because he has a lot of issues at the moment and didn’t want to hurt me.

Another week after he said that, he was in a relationship with another girl. I was pretty disappointed and I thought the best way to protect myself was to remove him from my life. When I told him I didn’t want to talk to him anymore however, he was distraught and convinced me not to. Since then, we’ve maintained contact but only really general stuff about our classes, etc.

He has also spoken to me about issues he has in relationships. One night he told me that he wanted to break up with his girlfriend because he doesn’t care about her anymore. The next day I thought it was appropriate to make him aware of my ongoing feelings for him, if he was ever interested in the future. He told me that they sorted their issues out and he’s still very happy in his relationship. After that, I let it go. I came to terms with the fact that he had chosen her over me at the start, and there’s no reason for that to change. My feelings began to diminish and I was getting on with everything.

One day he sent me a message saying that he had a sex dream about me. He then proceeded to use me as ‘inspiration’ whilst masturbating after we spoke about fantasies and how he feels restricted I relationships. Stupidly, this reignited my feelings for him and I haven’t been able to let go of him since. I’m so angry at myself. He chose her, and I really don’t want to be with him knowing that I was the second option. I don’t want to wait around for him. I want him to be happy in his relationship, and I want to move on to a relationship of my own. But I just can’t seem to be able to do it! I need some tips on how to overcome this again. To be completely honest, I’m not even 100% sure of what it is about him I find so attractive…

What’s really got be annoyed today is that he’s been joking about wanting to ‘get to know’ my sisters. I know he’s only saying it as a joke, but it still rubs me the wrong way. He knows exactly how I feel about him, and I find it disrespectful to himself, his girlfriend, and me, to talk that way.

Please help!

[TablesandChairs]

I have friends I would never consider dating because I know their histories...if anything, I usually feel sorry for their girlfriends because I know what they're like. It's one thing to be friends with someone and get along and it's another to want to date them despite knowing all their faults.

This guy can't sit single for too long, nor can he remain faithful or interested in the same girl for too long. He had a girlfriend yet he's 'sexting' you. Would you feel secure if he was your boyfriend? Chances are, he'd do it to you too. He has a lot of growing up to do and if I were you, I'd recognize that what you're feeling is probably lust/attraction. When you add things up, he's not the type to be in a relationship with.

[smiling100]

How could you possibly trust this guy if you were in a relationship with him?

My advice is to move on

Good luck

[michelle23]

You sound like an air head. This guy has a history of cheating, he drinks too much, he hops from one relationship to the next, has obvious insecurity issues and cannot be on his own for 5 minutes and here you are thinking that you could change him and hed be different if he was with you coz youve a close friendship and can trust each other.

Thats delusional. Hes never gonna change. Hes a mess. Stop wasting your time on him, get him out of your life completely and start dating someone else. This guy is an asshole and you cant see through it.

Sent from my GT-I9505 using Tapatalk

[Wakeup]

kate, kate, kate. SMH

You find it disrespectful that he wants to meet your sisters when he knows how you feel about him? Do you find it disrespectful to his girlfriend that you are an interloper who enables HER boyfriend to be the ass he is? Just wonderin!

[Wakeup]

I want to move on to a relationship of my own. But I just can’t seem to be able to do it! I need some tips on how to overcome this again. To be completely honest, I’m not even 100% sure of what it is about him I find so attractive…

Perhaps its your apparent fear of commitment? Ya see, it's so easy to think you have feelings for someone you know won't commit to you.. hense why you hang onto someone elses boyfriend like he's the last man on earth.

Get a hobby other then this twat you think is the bees knees. He's a little boy who gets a rush out of the fact you're silly enough to hang off his every word.

Zero contact and blocking and deleting him from your life is a sure fire way to get over this addiction to him you seem to be trying to hit your own rock bottom with. He arouses you with his silly erotic dream and you call it another blooming "of feelings" that's just lust and it's a lot more fulfilling when its being shared with someone that actually values you for more then the obsessional thoughts you have of him.

[TheEvilJester]

This guy does not sound like much of a winner. I have to agree with most of what was said by others above. He is not worth it. He needs to get his own head straight and figure out what he wants in life. Let him figure that out with somebody else. You do not want to just be girl #258 that he puts through this crap and then just dumps and moves on. Even from half of what you've told us, I would say you should leave this guy in your past. Whether or not it is his intention, he has been playing with your emotions... and you aren't even in a relationship yet! Things would only be worse if you ever tried to actually be in a relationship with him. Heck, you've seen the proof of that with the relationships he has been in already.

I know this may not be the advice you want to hear, but honestly the best thing you can do for yourself is to remove this guy from your life completely. You've already proven that you cannot be just friends with him without having feelings for him. He has given you more than enough reasons to be completely uninterested, and yet you still find yourself attracted to him. So, the only way to avoid that is to remove him from your life completely. Hopefully in time you will realize on your own that you are much better off without somebody like that in your life. If you can't figure that out on your own, then maybe when you Mr. Right comes along, that will be what you need to realize what a real man is like, and realize that this guy is not worth one iota of your suffering.

Good luck. I hope you find what you are looking for in life. It certainly doesn't sound like you ever would with him.