The old "is this girl as sweet as I thought" question

[GeeCee]

Been with my girlfriend for over 18-months; living together for around a year. We're both early 40's. All's been good, more than enough for us to want to stay together forever.

After 18-months or so, you think you know what someone is like, what their standards and morals are. The shape of her in my heart is as a kind, caring and quite moral person with a healthy amount of self-respect.

When we first got together, we did the "boozy sexual history" discussion. She said I was her first lover for 11-months. Cool, but not even close to essential. But, again, cool nonetheless.

Then recently (this week) I did the "stupid looking though an old mobile phone of hers thing". Turns out she was sleeping with a guy who was engaged to be married, to a girl who he had a kid with. She'd started seeing him a few months before he was due to get married and didn't break it off when she found out he was engaged. She carried on sleeping with him after he got married, only ending it when I came along (the "cool" 11-months turning out to actually be a couple of days (at best!).

So , my question is - are my torn-up feelings justified or am I being reactionary and unfair to feel as hurt as I do (which is a LOT) - my main problems with processing this new news are:

1. She lied about her recent history when we got together - when she had no need to - leading me to question my trust in her.

2. She slept with a guy who was about to get married and continued to do so after he wed the mother of his kid - this has kinda pissed on my idea of the sort of person she is.

3. And, as it wouldn't be complete without a sexual angle; she has never been sexy with me by text (despite intimating that any reciprocation of my sexy texts to her would be more than gratefully received!). However, her phone was full of filth n pics with four other guys. One this guy she was sleeping with who was about to get married. Another an ex. of hers, who was married. Another was another ex. and the last one a "young lad" (her words).

Basically, does she sound like someone who deserves the characterisation I gave her at the second paragraph of this post? Any thoughts / advice etc etc etc

[michelle23]

All ill say is if i found out this new info that you found out about my partner-hed get a boot out the door. I couldnt be with someone who has so little morals or self respect

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[RobertWQ]

I would likely breakup... she lied to you, and who knows if she's been loyal.

[Skeptical]

I would dump her on the spot! Girls like her don't deserve decent guys like you. You are so nice that you even asked us if your feelings are justified!!! Oh dear God, of course you have every right to be mad and sad.

[basilandthyme]

Your story doesn't add up. The far majority of people don't have texts or emails on their phone dating back 18 months or more.

And even if she did still have stuff that old, I can't imagine suddenly deciding to go back through over 18months of all her conversations to find this stuff. You're either an extreme control freak or you're making up stories.

[michelle23]

Your story doesn't add up. The far majority of people don't have texts or emails on their phone dating back 18 months or more.

And even if she did still have stuff that old, I can't imagine suddenly deciding to go back through over 18months of all her conversations to find this stuff. You're either an extreme control freak or you're making up stories.

He looked through an old phone that he found. The messages will stay there

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[TablesandChairs]

You can't get the full picture by just reading old text messages...there's probably more to the story. That said - this all happened before she met you. She might not have told you because she's ashamed...maybe it was during a time she acted out of character, did things she regretted...whatever her motives, good or bad, this took place before she met you. So, there's no cheating involved.

She's not a saint...but from the sounds of it, she's been a good partner - enough for you to consider 'forever'. It's hard to find people you get alone with at 40 - I have a few friends that age who really, really struggle meeting people they even remotely like. So...up to you. I wouldn't dispose of everything so quickly, though.

[basilandthyme]

He looked through an old phone that he found. The messages will stay there

Ahhh...I missed the 'old' bit.

Changing my response: if a boyfriend found an old mobile of mine and went through it ....I'd tell him to go F himself.

[DalM0m]

You are 40, not 14. Talk to her. Tell her you snooped. Ask about the timetable. Then make a mature decision.

[surfhb2]

Oh boo hoo!

Now let's talk about the stupid shit you've done in life op?

Assholes like you suck