Are our problems serious?

[gillfish]

Background/Context:
I recently asked my girlfriend to marry me (she said yes). In many respects we get along very well. Our relationship was actually even better when we lived together. Last year, she began work on her law degree at an ivy league school on the other side of the country. I am currently tied to a mid-sized (city 450,000; metro 2 mil) city in the mid-west because of a family commitment. I am from a very large city, she is also from a very large city.

Problem[s]
1) Months after enthusiastically saying that she wanted to marry me, she interviewed [and was offered jobs] at prominent firms in large cities. While her attainment is wonderful, this isn't exactly a show of love. She ultimately decided to come back to this mid-sized city, but did so with a moderate amount of bitterness attached.
2) During her last summer break [before deciding on career path] she a) broke a fairly significant promise to me but promised to make it up to me; but b) spent the rest of the summer taking me for granted [I swear, I am the opposite of needy, her conduct was severe], and being very inconsiderate. This was a significant departure from the rest of her behavior before the summer.
3) Sex drive: We have always enjoyed a very strong and trusting sexual/intimate relationship. In the first year of our relationship I had to calm her down because our sexual relationship drove her to want sex constantly. After that, our relationship was mutually ideal in both quality and quantity.
However: Beginning this last summer, she began to repel many of my advances rudely, and now makes commentary that she is concerned that my sexual desires are too frequent for her to handle. If anything, my advances are less frequent now. Our relationship is 3 1/2 years old.

Question/Opinion:
My questions generally revolves around whether 1+2+3 combined mean that we may be incompatible. We talk often and our relationship is generally good, but 1+3 give me pause. I am hesitant to end our relationship because she has forgone significant career opportunities to be with me. As such, I would like your opinion as to the severity of these issues.

[michelle23]

Its a rough patch. Get relationship counselling

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[gillfish]

I'm uncertain about this also. Does it not seem like if you need counseling even before marriage that marriage may not be such a good idea?

[RobertWQ]

To be honest if I were her I'd be upset with you. She made it to an Ivy League law school and got job offers from firms in large cities that she (presumably) preferred over the mid-sized you mentioned, but was not able to reach her full career potential because of your prior arrangements. I'm not a law student nor am I a lawyer, but I am aware of how tough the legal market is these days, and so she gave up quite a lot to accommodate you. I just hope that after you break it off now that you've changed your mind, she can get back on track.

[gillfish]

I definitely don't want to break it off. I just have some concerns and wanted to get the feel for how serious/legit they are. Also, as an aside, I didn't force or even encourage anything in terms of her career choices and actively encouraged her to think long and hard as to whether or not she really wanted to return to the mid-west.

[michelle23]

I'm uncertain about this also. Does it not seem like if you need counseling even before marriage that marriage may not be such a good idea?

I actually think all couples should get counselling before marriage. Marriage isnt a walk in the park and its not just a fun day out for people to get dressed up. Its a lifelong committment and serious, so yes making sure you overcome any issues now BEFORE the wedding would be great.

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[michelle23]

I just read your post again and it sounds to me like shes been having doubts. Now before you freak out-talk to her. Dont jump to conclusions. Ask her whats the problem-youve noticed a significant change since the summer and want to know if she still wants to be with you or get married..

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[gillfish]

We actually have had that talk, once in the summer and once a month ago when we met up (both of us are in grad school). She swears she has made her decision [I don't doubt her sincerity, she is a good, honest person], but I agree that the totality of her actions infer doubt [totally understandable]. I understand and respect where she is coming from, but it seems like ever since she said she wanted to marry me she just hasn't been very nice or affectionate. I'm not sure if this is normal [or it could be a result of resentment at coming back here]. I'll add that I am not "in love" with the city I am in either but I would be a terrible human being if I leave in the next seven years.

[basilandthyme]

Couple of questions from me:

What was the significant promise she broke?

As far as her job goes, it sounds like you've given her an ultimatum of being with you in the mid-west or following her career. Would it be true to say that you're not prepared to go with her? Not a terrific show of love on your part either. Sounds like neither of you have the other as the highest priority. Not a good start to marriage.

[gillfish]

For question #1: I don't want to get into specifics on the web, she [nor I] has never been unfaithful, but the promise we are taking about is probably only one grade down from that level.

For question #2: Without getting too detailed, I would be a horrible person if I left here in the next 6-7 years. I actually gave up acceptance at a couple of ivys [and Stanford] in the M.D. I am currently finishing up here because of a very pressing moral obligation [you can trust me, I don't really want to be here either]. Before we even started dating, she was fully aware of my situation and aware that under no circumstances can I leave before 2020.

[basilandthyme]

Can't help you much if you won't tell us what's going on. But it's clear that she's not your #1 priority, so you're hardly in a position to judge her for looking at other options.

[gillfish]

I think everything that everybody said on here is fair. This will be my last reply. I feel pretty stupid for having posted this at all. To tell you all the truth, I just really miss her. It will be great to see her when she comes back.

[michelle23]

For question #1: I don't want to get into specifics on the web, she [nor I] has never been unfaithful, but the promise we are taking about is probably only one grade down from that levelm

I suspected that from the start but didnt want to say it encase i was wrong. This explains a lot. My guess is she had an emotional affair, got too close to him and then started to push you away. It explains her change in behaviour. Defo recommend couples counselling if you wana stay with her


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[DalM0m]

Background/Context:

Problem[s]
1) Months after enthusiastically saying that she wanted to marry me, she interviewed [and was offered jobs] at prominent firms in large cities. While her attainment is wonderful, this isn't exactly a show of love. She ultimately decided to come back to this mid-sized city, but did so with a moderate amount of bitterness attached..

With an ivy league law degree, a job offer at a prominent law firm in a large city is usually a six figure pay day. If she doesn't have a job she likes better & that at least feeds her soul more (big firms are soul sucking for the kind of money they pay), you will have a problem on your hands because she will resent you.

Depending on the pay differential, in her shoes, I may have insisted that you come to me.

[surfhb2]

People shouldn't be getting married in thief 20s and before their careers are established.....your story is a perfect example