Interesting read, advice on complicated relationship

[yxalitis]

Are you all ready for a tale, because I got a doozy.

I’ll start right from the beginning, get a cup of coffee/beer/popcorn and be prepared for an entertaining story.

I left my wife of 20 years, moved out, and started a new phase of my life (She cheated, and I fell out of love with her, just for reference).

After a few months I started this whole new (to me) online dating, and after a while started chatting to a Chinese girl online.

She pretty much stated she had a boyfriend, but that he wasn’t a good boyfriend. Long story short, his idea of a relationship was dinner once a week, virtually no sex, not living together not even a toothbrush at her house.

This was an 18 month relationship, and she had had enough,
However, she loved him dearly, and what’s worse, at 35, this was her first love.

She texted me one night a few nights after we first met online, distraught because he had taken her to a family do, then dropped her unceremoniously back at her house before returning to his. She was very upset, so I went around and met her for the first time.

We talked a little about him, then I took her bowling to cheer her up. We got along really well, and to my surprise when I suggested we return to her house, she readily agreed. I spent the night, no sex, but in her bed cuddling. The next night she came over to mine for a spa, and that night we had sex. She is not “that type of girl” so for her to sleep with me so soon was an indication of her need to find someone else in her life.

OK, I was now dating a girl who already had a boyfriend, but I KNEW this right from the start, and at that stage I was thinking it was perfect. A sexy Asian girlfriend to see casually, and when she broke up we could get more serious. In the meantime I had regular (and good!) sex, and feeling a bit better about life after the separation.

But then probably a month or two in, I bloody well went and fell in love with her (who can say exactly when love starts?).
She was still in love with dickhead boyfriend, but seeing him less and less.

Then step two on my mad journey, when my lease expired, I moved in with her. You will see how remote and distant her boyfriend was for that to even be possible!

Yes, I know, madness…

At this stage she was STILL seeing him (now 3 months). We went on holiday together, were livng together, basically being a complete couple, except that “officially” he was her boyfriend.

Finally after 4 months she breaks up with him, and that’s when things got complicated…(funny enough). You see, now she misses him, and my being with her 24/7 is just confusing things. Oh, she also has not fallen in love with me. She cares for me, respects me, wants to continue seeing me, but has not crossed that line and fallen in love. At this stage, I even said to her "If you need space to get over him, just let me know"

So, the crux of my post, after 5 months, she wants me to move out temporarily so she can find herself, have some space, and work out what she really wants. How “temporary” this would be is up for discussion, she says 1-2 months.

I will move to a place that’s only close by (like, walking distance). This is in the process of being organised, but she is already happier knowing that this is in progress. In fact SHE found this place through her friends, and was happy it was so close "you can visit me often"

She is not financially well off, so I have been helping her, like paying her rent and bills. If I don’t do that, she basically has to bum off her family. She fled China 3 years ago with no English to escape a horrible, life threatening situation, so please understand she can’t get a job with minimal English.

She wants me to continue paying the rent, minus what I need to pay for the 2nd place (I’m only renting a spare room, so cheap). I will even go over for meals, and as stated before, quite often I will stay over.
If I were to say “No, if I move out you have to pay the rent yourself” (Which I am sure 99% of you readers will reply with) I would basically be abandoning her.

If she is using me for money, then doing so would simply alleviate me some future heart ache.

If however she is genuine in asking for space (and the situation lends itself to that), and I state that I won’t support her, I’ll blow any chance of keeping her. She will take that as a lack of faith and trust in her reasons.

OK, so you’ve read the entire story now, you have all the details at hand:

I love her

She loved another, but has now broken up with him because he’s a no idea how to commit to a relationship.

We moved in together too quickly, because it was convenient, and was fine to begin with.
Now she wants to uncomplicate her life, have some “space” but still see me, but not live together.

What do you fine people think?

Is she likely to grow closer to me, and eventually move back in together?
OR
Am I just getting let go slowly, AND used for money as well.

[basilandthyme]

As she can't support herself, I'm guessing that her ex boyfriend paid her bills and this why she couldn't leave him easily. But now she's got you to mooch off.

If you stop supporting her, she will most likely find another guy to use....just as she did with you.

I recall a conversation I had recently with a Chinese woman. She told me that in Chinese culture, friends are only worth having while they are useful to you. She told me that they will use the friend only so they can stand on the friend's shoulders so that they can reach farther and higher. Yes, I realise that it's a generalisation...but it is the observation of one Chinese lady about her community and how it works.

[yxalitis]

He definitely DIDN'T support her..at all, THAT was another reason she wanted to leave him.
Your Chinese summary is harsh, I'm not in agreement with that sweepng generalisation, even if it was said by a Chinese lady.

[smiling100]

She is not emotionally ready to start a new relationship with you if she is in love with someone else.

She needs time to get over him before she can commit to someone new.


I know I would not be able too

[HeartIsAching]

You're her "Alternate Plan 'B' ". She's still hoping that her ex will come around.

Stop being her **** buddy/bank and let her stand on her own... you'll see her true colors soon enough.

[TablesandChairs]

Sounds to me like she's found a bit of a fool in you, to be honest.

Unfortunately, you're giving her what she wants - money, attention, sex...there's no motivation for her to get her act together and decide. Demand a bit of respect, here. Withdraw everything and tell her she either chooses you and closes the chapter on her ex, or she doesn't.

I'm also Australian and have known many Chinese exchange students through Uni - all of them worked. Some did cleaning, babysitting...but many worked for Chinese business owners (in restaurants or shops, for example) where their language was an asset. Some worked as translators (you can do a short course). There are options. I'd be embarrassed to take money from a man I was essentially messing around, especially if he not only had to pay his rent, but my own too? Seriously?

[yxalitis]

OK, time for an update.
She has been treating me poorly for a while now, grumpy, not being very affectionate, accusing me of not trusting and her checking up on her.
So last night I put it to her:

I told her I'm a great catch, a nice guy, and I deserve a girlfriend who is committed to me 100%, not 5%.
I agree she needs a break to get over her ex, but I need to see more contribution to our relationship.
Since she hasn't shown me this capability, and since I'd basically had enough, I would move out, but permanently.
Wow, that caused a reaction.
She agreed she has not been a good girlfriend, but because she still has feelings for ex (now 4 weeks since break up), and our being so close confuses her.

But instead of breaking up, she suggested I move into the spare room, and at least give her space to try and find herself.
I agreed, but I will also look for another place to move. If after a few weeks (or how long it will take me to find a place) I don't see any signs of improvement, I'll just move out.

So basically this is her last chance to be the girlfriend I need and deserve.

[michelle23]

Well its a shame you didnt find your balls 5months back and be more assertive..

Its a bit late now to ask for that 100% commitment when you were happy to be her bit on the side knowing she had a bf.

Youd think youd have more sense after your wife cheated on you and broke your heart. Im sure she gave her other man some sob story and all..

Your supposed to be a mature grown man so grow the f up and start using your head

Is this really how you want your new life to be with this leech who barely speaks english, has no job, no money and no independance, who just hops from one man to the next coz she needs looking after.

Shes using you and your being a tool

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[violet11]

Good for you for letting her know your boundaries.

Out of curiosity, how did she support herself before you came along? If she was perfectly capable of doing it before then her request for you to pay it is void (it's void anyway).

[yxalitis]

Good for you for letting her know your boundaries.

Out of curiosity, how did she support herself before you came along? If she was perfectly capable of doing it before then her request for you to pay it is void (it's void anyway).

She actually comes from a wealthy family, but the same situation that drove her out of China removed access to her funds. She has been living off her Sister's money, basically draining her investment account. Obviously this is not her preferred situation, but she had little choice.

Yes, if I left, she would continue do that, and risk incurring the ill will of her family.

[yxalitis]

Well its a shame you didnt find your balls 5months back and be more assertive..

Its a bit late now to ask for that 100% commitment when you were happy to be her bit on the side knowing she had a bf.

Youd think youd have more sense after your wife cheated on you and broke your heart. Im sure she gave her other man some sob story and all..

Your supposed to be a mature grown man so grow the f up and start using your head

Is this really how you want your new life to be with this leech who barely speaks english, has no job, no money and no independance, who just hops from one man to the next coz she needs looking after.

Shes using you and your being a tool

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I appreciate your cander, my friends and family say much the same thing.

And no, it's not how I want my relationship to be, but I have now made the decision to try this one last thing.

If I don't see a major change after this break, and I'm talking 2-3 weeks, I'm gone for good.