He wants to move but I dont

[thebluepill]

Ok guys so here is my issue:

I’m a SAHM with four children in a blended family (one child together).

We decided it would be best for me to stay home when we were pregnant with the youngest. I have been home for four years now.

My husband wants to move the family out of state. The area where he wants to move is pretty rural. We currently live in a large city. My plan was to go back to work next year. Where he wants to move there are absolutely no employment opportunities except for small retail workers and caring for seniors and the pay is ridiculously low.

I do not like the slow paced life, and neither do my children. My oldest lives at home and commutes to college, and does not want to move, my second says she does not want to leave either. While I understand where he wants to live is cheaper (could save more), there is nothing to do there, the nearest museum is almost two hours away, the closest amusement park is about 3 hours away; and again, there are no employment opportunities and the school system there is ranked as one of the worst. Where we live now, my children attend some of the best schools and are in the G&T programs.

I have spoken to him about this, but he is convinced once we get there we will love it. He is a homebody, but has a demanding career where he travels and can work remotely and live wherever he wants. He doesn’t like to go out much; we don’t even go out for our anniversary and never takes me out for my birthday, which we have spoken about but he dismisses me. So, I’m always home or out with the kids. We do, however, go out together with the kids often.

I have tried talking to him, I have tried to compromise by suggesting other neighborhoods in other states which have a mix bag of what we both want, but he always has an excuse, like its’ too expensive (even though it is cheaper than where we are now), or the weather, or the traffic (traffic is a big thing for him).

He has been trying to convince me now for a few years and is now telling me to put off my job search so we can spend a month in the area he is suggesting over the summer.

I don’t know what to do. Part of me feels he is being manipulative by not wanting me to go back to work and moving me somewhere I won’t have anything to do and the only people I know there will be his parents. I love him and know he loves me. He is kind, sweet, and a wonderful provider, but my instincts are telling me something stinks here.

Any advice would be appreciated

[vashti]

What would it hurt to spend a month there?

Unfortunately, if his primary concern is about money, then I think his argument has a bit more weight. Maybe you should go back to work NOW?

[thebluepill]

Hi Vashti, thanks for the reply. We don't live in any debt now, we are fine, we could save more if lived someplace cheaper for sure. If I plan a month vacation then I can't go back to work. I would be starting a new job and no one is willing to give a month off right at the beginning. My plan was to start searching right after the new year.

[michelle23]

I wouldnt do it. Hes undermining you and what you want. Something does stink. Perhaps he wasnts little wifey dependant on him compleyely so he can then do what he likes.. sorry but it sounds fishy to me

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[Maple1714]

He is the main provider for the family, and that dynamic can create an imbalance in some situations, as it seems it might be in yours. You say his parents live there? So, you and your children have spent some time in this rural area already correct? If you don't like it then you don't like it. Sounds awful to me, unless it's a very beautiful place...like in the mountains somewhere. Why would your husband want an unhappy family? You need to explain to him that you and the kids don't want to move there...if he loves you he will listen. If he is up to something and/or has ulterior motives then he will keep trying to get what he wants. You both need to find a way to compromise or your marriage will most likely fail.

It's a tough situation you're in. My parents have argued about where to live for many many years. My dad likes rural, secluded areas and my mom likes cities. While I was still in school my dad worked and we lived in a city. My dad compromised and did what my mom and I wanted. He made the $$ and paid the bills, but he loved us (still does!) so it was important to him to make us happy. Now, they are retired and split their time btw. a secluded ranch and the big city where I currently live. They have found themselves living up to 2 months at a time apart. They are going to have to compromise again eventually and settle on one place as they are getting older now. Marriage is all about compromising I guess.

[DalM0m]

What about a compromise. . . .would you be willing to talk about moving there in 10 years? Can you buy some type of vacation home there that will eventually become a retirement home? At a 3 hour drive you should be able to spend weekends there.

[michelle23]

I think the reason this is fishy is coz he doesnt just want to move to any rural area. It HAS to be this one.. why?? Youve suggested other rural areas and he wont even look.

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[TurnBackTime]

Not sure about this all, I would simply take your children's needs into more consideration than his. He knows the kids don't want to move, he needs to stay put for his family and find happiness in the home where his wife and kids find happiness.

His job allows him to travel, tell him to go spend a month there alone. He will miss you and come running back.