Distance/Online relationship success? Meeting IRL?

[VickyinDisney]

So about 7/8 years ago I met a guy who was a friend of a now ex boyfriend. We did click rather quickly while he was here, but he was only here for a month or so and went back to his home state, 2k miles away. Ever since, we have been as "attached at the hip" as you can possibly be with that distance between the 2 of us. We have been through a lot of ups and downs, but always find our way back to each other. We do love each other, and are comfortable discussing the future. We both are currently not committed to anyone else (locally) and in a little over a month we will be reuniting for the first time since we met. We speak daily, as well as have been video calling each other for the past 2-3 years.

Obviously the weight on both our minds is what will happen when we DO meet. He and I both share the fear of the other person not being as "into it" IRL once that happens. I have a lot of relationship issues in general, which he is aware of as he usually was the one i'd come to. And can't help but constantly psych myself out that this will all explode in my face.

Has anyone had a somewhat similar experience? Meeting people in real life after being so closely connected online?

[basilandthyme]

It very much has the ability to explode in your faces. In LDRs you can get very close emotionally....but this is a very different thing to being together face to face and living with all the bits and bobs which come up when you're in close proximity.

So, yes, be prepared that it may not work out. But also be prepared that it could. There's probably a 50/50 chance, so just go with the flow.

[Valixy]

I can relate somehow. I met my exboyfriend while he was on a couple of weeks business trip in Spain. Had a few nice innocent dates until I noticed that he had a wedding ring. He said that he had been wearing it all the time and was sure that I must have seen it, but I hadn't. I suppose that at that time I was simply assuming that someone who would start flirting with me in a disco had to be single so it didn't occur to me to ask him if he had anyone. Stupid, I know. He said he was unhappy in his marriage and he really liked me but I stopped any communication with him even when he returned for work a few weeks later and tried to contact me. Eight years later he found me on facebook. Had been divorced for four years, was looking even better than before, his career was at its best moment, and was saying things like he could never forget me, bla, bla bla. I wasn't interested at all in a relationship and was very honest about it, and I was even a bit rude sometimes, but he insisted for months and I ended up finding him charming again. He said so many beautiful things, he still had the one picture he asked to be taken of us eight years before...So after six months, we met again and everything was perfect and we found ourselves in a LDR, him being from north Europe, and we had a great first year, met several times, but soon after the first year the relationship started to change. First, there were some things about his exwife that didn't seem right to me and everything went downhill when being genuinely interested in photography, he joined a photography site and little by little he started to flirt online with some of the wonderful ladies that can't buy a new dress, shoes or underwear without posting a picture of themselves or their body parts. We broke up and I just couldn't believe that there was such a shallow man inside the wonderful man I thought he was. We had been discussing future plans and he had made some unbelievable love declarations and there had been so many moments when his love seemed so real, but it was all a big sad disappointment in the end. I believe in part we failed because of the the distance, I was tied up to a two years course that I had to finish before I could relocate but mainly because of his personality that wasn't entirely as he presented himself to be.

So my advice for you would be to be careful. Even the people who seem wonderful can be full of surprises, especially in a LDR. Unless one of you can relocate pretty soon if you're happy with how things go, there could be problems. Sorry if I can't be more positive. Good luck.

[Boisdevie]

If this 'relationship' has been going on for 7 or 8 years and you've not managed to get together in real life since the first meeting then that tells me there's something seriously wrong here. OK, with 2000 miles distance you can't exactly call in for coffee and a chat but you're telling me that in all those years you've not been able to get together? I don't like air travel because it's ****ing up the planet but I do believe they have planes in the USA. In all that time neither of you have been able to get on a plane and go visit?
OK, what if you do get together and it seems ever so peachy? Gonna wait another 78 or 8 years before seeing each other again. 2000 miles. Jeezus, unless you get your acts together this will not work, no way.

[VickyinDisney]

We have both been in a few committed relationships during this time, and due to our age when we met, nursing school for myself, and other various life events/plans relocation and visits really have never worked out. However after graduation in April we are both open to moving.

Thank you for your personal experience Valixy, it is a concern I have.. That we may both not be what the other expected. I have hope that the month we essentially did live together with my ex provided to be very comfortable for the both of us and we bonded quickly. Granted that was long ago now, but it gives me more hope than just if I were to have met him. Who knows..

[K_6]

My experience with IRL was better than expected but there wasn't enough commitment from none of us in the long run.

[michelle23]

Ok so you have both ruined committed relationships in real life with your online fantasy emotional affair... this just gets weirder and weirder

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[K_6]

Ok so you have both ruined committed relationships in real life with your online fantasy emotional affair...

I agree. The online fantasy aspect generated by their emotions should be her biggest concern.

[VickyinDisney]

No relationships have been ruined... They have each fizzled out or ended based on outside influences.

Online fantasy?

[smackie9]

Doesn't matter what kind of relationship you have, there will always be a risk of getting hurt, it not working out, etc. Take it one day at a time, but remember to be realistic about your situation. Don't brush aside issues like the distance, how many times you will see each other, the cost of traveling, etc.

[lynncy]

I'm in a similar situation...2 year LDR...had some difficult moments...we're getting close to finally living together...it needs a lot of work and patience but it's possible!

[pcmaster]

I can relate somehow. I met my exboyfriend while he was on a couple of weeks business trip in Spain. Had a few nice innocent dates until I noticed that he had a wedding ring. He said that he had been wearing it all the time and was sure that I must have seen it, but I hadn't. I suppose that at that time I was simply assuming that someone who would start flirting with me in a disco had to be single so it didn't occur to me to ask him if he had anyone. Stupid, I know. He said he was unhappy in his marriage and he really liked me but I stopped any communication with him even when he returned for work a few weeks later and tried to contact me. Eight years later he found me on facebook. Had been divorced for four years, was looking even better than before, his career was at its best moment, and was saying things like he could never forget me, bla, bla bla. I wasn't interested at all in a relationship and was very honest about it, and I was even a bit rude sometimes, but he insisted for months and I ended up finding him charming again. He said so many beautiful things, he still had the one picture he asked to be taken of us eight years before...So after six months, we met again and everything was perfect and we found ourselves in a LDR, him being from north Europe, and we had a great first year, met several times, but soon after the first year the relationship started to change. First, there were some things about his exwife that didn't seem right to me and everything went downhill when being genuinely interested in photography, he joined a photography site and little by little he started to flirt online with some of the wonderful ladies that can't buy a new dress, shoes or underwear without posting a picture of themselves or their body parts. We broke up and I just couldn't believe that there was such a shallow man inside the wonderful man I thought he was. We had been discussing future plans and he had made some unbelievable love declarations and there had been so many moments when his love seemed so real, but it was all a big sad disappointment in the end. I believe in part we failed because of the the distance, I was tied up to a two years course that I had to finish before I could relocate but mainly because of his personality that wasn't entirely as he presented himself to be.

Realy romantic and rare story Valixy. Wouldnt expect it even from unicorn.

Being from another country realy plays huge part in early attraction. Until mystery is gone.

Guess guy never had many girls before you in his life until he realised that he can have 100 girls instead of one. If he like to do pictures and they like to be pictured then he can live this passion making some positive impact on other lives too.

[Valixy]

Realy romantic and rare story Valixy. Wouldnt expect it even from unicorn.

Thank you, pcm :-) The strangest thing was probably my initial blindness. I had been admiring a family ring he had on his left hand and then looked at his other hand, saw the other ring and said, this one is nice too...it looks like a wedding ring...And he said: it is...a wedding ring. :O

Guess guy never had many girls before you in his life until he realised that he can have 100 girls instead of one.

You're probably right about this. He was an attractive guy but was moving in a very formal environment, so I suppose he had to limit his flirting tendencies, unless he was abroad or online, apparently.

If he like to do pictures and they like to be pictured then he can live this passion making some positive impact on other lives too.

He had decent quality pictures for an amateur, unfortunately he wasn't doing the other female posters with exhibitionist tendencies any favour by entertaining their vices and weaknesses - and this seems to have become a fashion nowadays.

I should add maybe that I had a hard six months after the break-up, then I felt free of any emotional connection.

Fortunately for the OP, she and her guy seem to know each other better and this will help them in their future relationship.

[TablesandChairs]

It's been 3 years...it will all have been a huge waste of time if you don't at least meet and try to make something of it.

Of course it won't be the same - what you have had so far, whilst not 'fantasy', hasn't exactly been 100% reality either. But by now, you know what each other looks like, you know each others likes/dislikes and personalities...it's different to meeting a complete stranger so if anything, if both of you are willing to make it work, there's definitely a chance.

One thing you shouldn't do is take past relationship baggage with you - deal with that stuff so you can start something without compromising it. It may work out/it may not. Don't have huge expectations, just hope for the best and see how it goes. You've waited this long...

[Rowen]

I'd say don't think- just do. Because it seems to be a lot of mind over matter. Remember that this is the true test of whether or not it's actually going to work. And if you two keep thinking and worrying like you have been, you're going to doom yourselves to failure right away should you ever meet. So, the only thing left is really not to focus on the "what if's"- just take it as it comes and see what happens. Walk in with no expectations so you're not disappointed, and do what comes natural to both of you.