An unexpected breakup. Emotionally unavailable or something else? Any ideas?

[buddekitty]

Hello kind people of the internet!

First a little background information:

So I was with a very lovely guy for a little over a month (I know it's a short time) and things were going really well. I'm 23 and he's 22. We were super compatible and everything was so romantic. He would buy me flowers and take me out to dinner and we would spend every day together. We would do other things like go hiking and bowling and just sit around enjoying each others company. He always refused to let me pay for anything (though I ALWAYS offered) and treated me like royalty. We were intimate with each other early on in the relationship and we were very affectionate towards each other. He never had issues expressing his feelings and would always tell me how happy he was to finally meet someone who gets him (we're both really quirky). He was never afraid to use terms of endearment with me even in front of other people. He would carry me to my car and always call to make sure I got home safe and to wish me goodnight. He even wrote a song for me and would make paintings for me as well. Of course he spoiled me, but I always returned the favor as much as I could. My friends and family all adored him and I got along really well with his. Everyone would tell me how they had never seen him so happy before. I was certain that I found a gem of a man!

However, things started to change when he went to his dad's house for a week and a half (his parents are divorced and both are re-married). He was supposed to only be there a couple days at first but that changed because he needed to help his dad redo his kitchen cabinets. We talked every day on the phone for the first week. We really missed each other and it was difficult being far away from one another. But everything was still all good. I asked him to go to a Christmas party with me, but he ended up bagging out on me last minute. For the last couple days he was at his dad's he became progressively more distant. No more terms of endearment, or calling goodnight, or calling at all for that matter. I was concerned and asked if he was okay. He responded hours later with "yeah".

The night he came back home, I asked if I could talk to him. He texted back and said "tomorrow". I then asked if I could just call and wish him goodnight. He ended up calling me and told me that it wasn't working anymore for him. I was stunned and very confused. He said his head isn't in the right place and he needed to step back. No other explanation. I talked to him in person the next day and got the same thing. When we talked, he said that it was nothing that I did. He still likes me, but he doesn't want to disappoint me. We were both upset and crying, but that was it and he left.

I texted him 3 days later just to see if he was okay. He said that he was back at his dad's house and that he was "just doing me". I told him that if he needed anything, he shouldn't be afraid to ask. I haven't talked to him since, and I don't plan on talking anytime soon just to give him the space he needs.



Now here's my dilemma:

I'm not asking what I should do to win him back or anything like that. I'm a big girl, I'm not going to be on my knees begging him to stay. And I'm not going to put my life on hold because I'm waiting for him to come around. I've been in other relationships where this happens. Every time, the reasoning is that they're "emotionally unavailable". In the past it's been because of unresolved feelings for old flames or that they simply weren't into me.

But for some reason I think this time it's not because of that. He assured me that there wasn't anyone else in the picture and that his head just isn't in the right place. He is currently unemployed (and broke), he has no clue what he wants to do with his life, his father just had surgery and may possibly be paralyzed by the end of the year, and his relationship with his mother isn't very good right now. I know that he's very sensitive, and he gets really down on himself sometimes. His friends and his brother have all noticed that he's been acting really distant and weird as well. They can't believe that he broke up with me!

I've been trying to remain positive about everything. I'm not contacting him anymore because I don't want to stress him out or seem too needy. He has also just blocked me on Instagram. I'm not sure why that was necessary, but maybe it's for the best.





What I am wondering is does this seem like a typical young guy with commitment issues? Or is there something that maybe I'm not seeing?

Do you think maybe he'll come around? I'm hoping it's only temporary. We really had a great thing going.




For once, all of my friends and family are telling me that I shouldn't give up on him. Them, and myself included, all think that he's a great guy with a lot to offer. Any insight is greatly appreciated

[smackie9]

My take on this is that he feels he has a great responsibility to his father due to his condition. Family tragedy can really take a toll on someones emotional state....maybe he feels he needs to carry this on his shoulders because he is very close to his father. If he's back at his fathers again, then he is focusing on taking care of him, and he knows this will be a full time task. He's made the choice hun, so I suggest you give him his space to get things organized in his life.....but don't wait forever, maybe give him a few months.

At least you have contact with his brother.....maybe keep in touch with him for any updates.

[4 ratties]

He could have some depression going on and pushing you away. I normally would think he's just
Like all the other guys who just lose their feelings and move on, but I know how being unemployed and having family health issues. He may be really upset. Instead of turning to you and using you for support, he is pushing u away. That is not a quality you want in a partner. Maybe if he changed, you could give him a second chance but no third chances because if he really wants to be with u, he shouldn't push u away when life is hard because there's always going to be stuff
Going on.

[Luis64]

I personally don't think he has anything to offer. You just really like him and are blinded of what's going on. When a person is going through issues in life, there is nothing better and more comforting that moral support and love. He is definitively running away from the cure of all this problems (you). Just let him go. Your family or friends are suggesting you to pursue him as am sure they don't know the extent of the situation. Move on, I know is hard but the little bit you wrote about yourself lead me to believe you deserve better than that.

I hope this helps.

[Wakeup]

I personally think that he's come to the period in the relationship where you decide if who you've been dating is the one you want to settle down with, (if of course your father isn't ill, you aren't out of work, you are in a good frame of mind etc) and he's come to the conclusion that he IS facing all those things and the last thing he wants is another responsibility of a girlfriend who needs nurturing.

Leave him alone... get on with your life and keep looking for someone who is so afraid to lose you that they'd want your support through tuff times... NOT want to get rid of you during them.

Sorry you're hurting but I think you'll be selling yourself short if you don't just move on like he's trying to do.

In time, you'll be fine and you'll find someone who isn't just looking for company as long as things in his life are perfect.

[buddekitty]

Thanks everyone for the feedback. I find it all very helpful.

It's been a week now since we broke up. He hasn't reached out to me, nor has he had any contact with anyone else. Seems like he's still shutting everyone out. Even though he has blocked me on Instagram, I've been told that he hasn't taken down any pictures of me or us together. It doesn't really make a difference to me and I'm not really looking at it as a sign of hope or anything.

I did text him earlier (bad I know :p ), just to ask him if he wanted some stuff back that he gave to me. He responded, and said that all of it's mine now so I can keep it if I want. I told him that's all I wanted to know and said bye. He said "talk to you later". I'm not gonna hold my breath on that one and I don't plan on contacting him again unless he makes the effort. I got rid of everything of his except for a Buddha statue for fear of bad karma. Haha!

I'm still feeling pretty heartbroken still about all of this, but after reading what you all had to say about this situation, I feel like it's for the best. He's still a great guy, but if he doesn't feel like he can rely on me or stay with me through rough times, he's not worth my time. I do not want to sell myself short.

If he does reach out, I may give him a second chance. But only if I feel he learned something from all of this. I know that I can't make up his mind for him, nor can I change the way he is. And for that, I'll have to let him be.

[TurnBackTime]

if he doesn't feel like he can rely on me or stay with me through rough times, he's not worth my time. I do not want to sell myself short.

If he does reach out, I may give him a second chance. But only if I feel he learned something from all of this. I know that I can't make up his mind for him, nor can I change the way he is. And for that, I'll have to let him be.

Sounds like you have your head on straight. You are making the right choice by stepping back for now. Give him time to realize you are out of the picture and see how he reacts.

"Hold on is what they say, but I say open up your arms and let them fly away, until it comes back and it was meant to be, look at the lovely gift the world has sent to me."

[buddekitty]

I figure starting today, I'll give him at least 30 days of no contact. Not even a little "hello". It'll give him enough time to see if he wants me in his life and it'll prove that I can be self-sufficient. If he decides to contact me within those 30 days, I wont answer. Not to be rude, but if he really wants me, he can wait. Who knows? maybe I'll find that he doesn't have a place in my life after all. We shall see.

Thanks again everyone!