Want her back, badly

[Will89]

Okay, hi guys, this might be long, apologies in advance.

I'm from Ireland, my girlfriend was from California, she broke up with me 3 weeks ago and I haven't been dealing with it well.

Short version is, I was insecure, clingy and somewhat controlling, not overly so that I was telling her what to do, but it sparked a lot of arguments. Basically she's had enough.
We were together for three years, I met her on an MMO. Neither of us were doing anything in our lives at the time, so we played MMOs etc, were on Skype 24/7, even went to bed with our headsets on. She sent me a webcam so we could see each other, we made videos, sent photos, talked all the time. After a year and a half, I visited her for three months (maximum time of stay in the US as a visitor) during my summer break from University. I visited again this year during the summer too. We were both each others' first sexual partner, first real relationship despite me being 24 and her 27 (I was 21 and she 24 when we started.)
We really loved each other, we'd always prioritize our time together, planned to get married after we both started our careers, etc etc. I was always paranoid and insecure, particularly with other guys, like who is calling, who messaged you, I'd ask if there was someone else if ever she seemed annoyed at me, not want her to go drinking just in case.
Sad part is, she never actually gave me any reason for concern or doubt, she spent almost all of her time with me. After the first visit she started studying a year course for nursing, my insecurities just made it worse during this time, since she had other obligations to meet. Then after this visit, we both started working and my problems starting becoming really difficult for her, due to having to work on call hours, and not wanting to deal with drama coming home.

So basically, in the past few months after she and I started working, it became really hard for her. Every other day drama sort of thing.

Truth is, I was oblivious to it, I knew I didn't like certain things, and wished I did, but I never saw it as that important a thing to work on changing myself. Since breaking up, I'm really trying to fix myself, so if she gives me a second chance I won't blow it. I started therapy, my insecurities come from my upbringing, dad left at 7, mom died at 9, raised by my grandmother. She developed dementia and for three years I had no social life, just looking after her, then she died. I was depressed, borderline suicidal around then which is when I met my girlfriend. According to my therapy, it made me really insecure, confident people I love leave me, and I feel like it's true. She never gave me a reason to doubt her, but I'd always worry that SOMETHING would happen. My mind usually drifted to the most common things, like someone else, or losing interest, and I just never really relented or faced my problems. Every time something went wrong, and I got upset, I wouldn't let it go until I heard the right words, or right reaction. It was all stupid. Sadly I never looked at it like this at the time, it's only now after losing her that I see how petty and stupid I've been.

Our good times are great, I'm 100% confident if I had a more together childhood that she and I would still be together, we were incredibly close, talked 24/7 literally, for years, never ran out of things to say, never felt uncomfortable, meeting the first time was a dream come true, and I don't want these past demons to have ruined this, they've controlled me enough.

I want her back, is the short version. I've made it hard for her for a long time, I never acknowledged it being as serious as it was, and would give anything to try again. I'm actively trying to better myself so I don't hurt her again. I guess her real problem with trying again is two things, she doesn't believe that we would change, she thinks we'll always argue over this nonsense. Secondly, due to having these blemishes in our history, she doesn't want to try. It's like that's all she sees.

A few months ago we were still in love, we cuddled, had a sex life, enjoyed each other's company. Now we don't, and I know it's early days yet, but I feel really lost without her, and regret having been like this, regardless of whether I had a choice or not. So what I'm asking is what I should do to get her to give me another chance. I don't want to hear that I should move on, it's her I want, and I know I would do it right if I had a chance to. I know I should give her space, and I've been failing at that, bugging her on Skype and such, trying to reason with her and plead with her. She ends up saying cold things, which at this point I'm hoping is just due to anger. Due to the long distance nature, I can't just visit her or ask to meet up.
But yeah, what should I do? I don't want to lose this one.

Thanks

[smackie9]

Dude this has nothing to do with your insecurities or you hurting her.....it's the distance. LDR's are challenging, and are limited...this is why they end. You can't have a proper relationship living so far apart....truly it's not fair to any of you. Her excuses are not the true reasons why she wants out....over time she has lost interest, possibly has met someone new, or doesn't want to do this anymore. Biggest mistake is that one of you didn't relocate...it's too late for that now, she wants to move on. So you are wasting your time thinking you need to improve yourself and that would bring her back. That's not the reason why she left this relationship.

[smackie9]

You can't do anything to get her back.....she has to come back to you on her own terms....you want to wait? go for it and see, that is your choice.

[Will89]

No, the distance was never really a problem for her, to be honest it affected me more than her, her reasons are because of the petty fights over stuff that I couldn't just take at her word. She told me herself. And she did often say, how much she hates when we fight. I should mention, we were eager to get married so I could move there, so really, it wasn't a big deal for her. She was happy so long as we talked.

[violet11]

First thing is - you need to know that, whatever happens, it's going to be okay. THis may feel like the worst pain you've ever been through: a feeling so intense that you don't think you'll survive it but... you will. Believe me. Whether or not you get back together, you will get through this.

Second thing - stop contacting her. Have compassion for her. You need to realise that this break up is as hard on her as it is on you. She is hurting just as much as you, but by bombarding her with contact you're making her carry both of your pain. Do you really want her to suffer more? I can't say if giving her space will help you get her back, but it's definitely better than not.

Third thing - It's amazing that you're going for therapy. It's an enriching process and you're going to get a lot of it. You're not going to be "cured" in a few sessions though - it takes a while to deal with deep issues.

Fourth thing - getting her back. Unfortunately there's no protocol for this. I'd recommend that you drop off the radar, and send her an email in a week telling her you're not giving up on "us", but that you're giving her space and will contact her again in one month. Don't contact her before then - you need to prove you can stick to your guns and not smother her.

Keep the faith. It's going to be okay <3

[smackie9]

No, the distance was never really a problem for her, to be honest it affected me more than her, her reasons are because of the petty fights over stuff that I couldn't just take at her word. She told me herself. And she did often say, how much she hates when we fight. I should mention, we were eager to get married so I could move there, so really, it wasn't a big deal for her. She was happy so long as we talked.

The distance is what was causing your insecurities, which created the arguments.

Anyways as they say if you love something let it go, if they come back then it was meant to be. Best of luck with your therapy.