Guy asked me to "wait for him"

[violet11]

Long story short: I got together with my not-bf when he was two weeks out of a one year relationship. We'd known each other for three months prior to this and had kind of been having an emotional affair. I didnt know he had a gf initially, but once he confessed I told him we shouldnt see each other. However he lives near me and we kept running into each other and every time we met we talked for hours. He started texting me again, and eventually he left the gf.

Once we got together things between us were better than we'd even expected. We took it it slowly initially. Then things started to get serious.

And then he started to avoid me. We were still in contact but he kept making excuses for not seeing me, or else he'd just ask me to meet for lunch. No sex during this period at all.

After two weeks of him avoiding me I broke up with him - he begged me not to, said he would redeem himself. Nothing changed and a week later I broke up with him again. Again, he convinced me to take him back. Another week later nothing had changed so... I broke up with him AGAIN.

During all these break ups he insisted to me that he's never met someone like me, he didnt want to lose me etc. After the third attempted breakup it clicked with me. He does care about me but... he's not ready for a relationship.

We met up after break up 3 and he was finally honest with me. Confirmed that he's not ready for a relationship, and that we got too serious too quickly. He's had a lot of relationships and has a lot of baggage, and he scared that I'll turn out like his exes and this relationship will fail. Also his last three gfs left the country and that is my plan too (next year).

But... he said he doesnt want to lose me. He asked me to wait for me... and I said I would.

I said that we could see each other once a week and that there's to be no contact between our date night (which is a designated night). He wasn't happy with this - wanted to see me more but I said we needed to take it slowly.

So... I know most of you will think I'm a sap and I probably am :p But has anyone had a "waiting" situation that actually worked out?

I intended on continuing to have sex with him on our one date night a week, but now I'm not so sure... I'm sure he would want to keep seeing me even if we werent having sex (we've literally had sex once in the last month), but should I be sending a message that all relationship stuff is on hold until he makes up his mind?

I know I'm taking a gamble here but... I think it's worth it. I'm continuing to date other people, so it's not like I'll be rotting away while I wait for him.

[Rowen]

and he scared that I'll turn out like his exes and this relationship will fail.

I'd like to highlight this part right here. By being scared that you'll turn out like his exes, he's doing a dis-service to you because he's comparing you to them. To be honest, if he's going to do that, he's clearly not over anything that has happened in the past. Therefore, I think that you should break it off entirely with him. Waiting around for him is only going to be emotionally trying for you and complicate things should one of your other dates discover a deeper interest in you. Not to mention, if he understands that you're just waiting for him, that's not much motivation for him to actually conquer his fears. Instead, here's what you need to do:

Breakup with him, once and for all, BUT make sure you tell him that you truly care about him and that you're only doing this because it's best for both of you. Tell him that staying/waiting would only be emotionally trying for you, and it would mean that he's trying to get over his issues for the wrong reason. BUT MOST OF ALL, tell him that you WANT to be with him and that maybe one day, if he works out his issues, you two can try again. Nevertheless, in the meantime, after you do this, do not wait around anymore. Just go on dates and move on with your life. That way, if he doesn't come back, you've already prepared yourself to move on, and if he does, you would not have had to go through emotional turmoil by waiting around.

Otherwise, if you do wait around on him, I don't really see this working out. I know it's not what you want to hear, but it's my honest opinion.
Good luck, violet. :S

[basilandthyme]

Violet, it wasn't long ago that you wrote this post http://www.loveforum.net/threads/85999-I-keep-making-the-same-mistake?highlight= about making the same mistakes with guys. I'm really sorry to see that you're doing exactly the same mistakes all over again.

In the post I linked to, we told you that if you want things to get better, you have to expect more for yourself. That you need to be more demanding, that you need to not put your own needs behind that of your boyfriend, that you teach people how to treat you and that you shouldn't ignore warning signs.

Hon, the treatment you're accepting from this guy contains more than one of my dealbreakers. (I'd never wait for a guy and I'd say goodbye if he said he was worried about me behaving like his exes. If this is the same guy who's selfish in bed, I'd leave because of that too). If you accept second rate behaviour, then you'll always be miserable.

[violet11]

I'd like to highlight this part right here. By being scared that you'll turn out like his exes, he's doing a dis-service to you because he's comparing you to them. To be honest, if he's going to do that, he's clearly not over anything that has happened in the past. Therefore, I think that you should break it off entirely with him. Waiting around for him is only going to be emotionally trying for you and complicate things should one of your other dates discover a deeper interest in you. Not to mention, if he understands that you're just waiting for him, that's not much motivation for him to actually conquer his fears. Instead, here's what you need to do:

Breakup with him, once and for all, BUT make sure you tell him that you truly care about him and that you're only doing this because it's best for both of you. Tell him that staying/waiting would only be emotionally trying for you, and it would mean that he's trying to get over his issues for the wrong reason. BUT MOST OF ALL, tell him that you WANT to be with him and that maybe one day, if he works out his issues, you two can try again. Nevertheless, in the meantime, after you do this, do not wait around anymore. Just go on dates and move on with your life. That way, if he doesn't come back, you've already prepared yourself to move on, and if he does, you would not have had to go through emotional turmoil by waiting around.

Otherwise, if you do wait around on him, I don't really see this working out. I know it's not what you want to hear, but it's my honest opinion.
Good luck, violet. :S

Thanks Rowen... you always offer sensitive advice. I appreciate it <3

[violet11]

Violet, it wasn't long ago that you wrote this post http://www.loveforum.net/threads/85999-I-keep-making-the-same-mistake?highlight= about making the same mistakes with guys. I'm really sorry to see that you're doing exactly the same mistakes all over again.

In the post I linked to, we told you that if you want things to get better, you have to expect more for yourself. That you need to be more demanding, that you need to not put your own needs behind that of your boyfriend, that you teach people how to treat you and that you shouldn't ignore warning signs.

Hon, the treatment you're accepting from this guy contains more than one of my dealbreakers. (I'd never wait for a guy and I'd say goodbye if he said he was worried about me behaving like his exes. If this is the same guy who's selfish in bed, I'd leave because of that too). If you accept second rate behaviour, then you'll always be miserable.

Hi Basil,

Thanks for the advice <3 I didnt consider that being afraid I'd turn out like his exes would be a dealbreaker. I actually projected a lot onto him when we first started seeing each other, and he waited for me to come round.

Anyway... meeting him tomorrow. I guess to break up... again.

[Rowen]

Stay strong, violet! Remember that this is NOT okay.

[basilandthyme]

Hi Basil,

Thanks for the advice <3 I didnt consider that being afraid I'd turn out like his exes would be a dealbreaker. I actually projected a lot onto him when we first started seeing each other, and he waited for me to come round.

I have lots of deal breakers. But it's how I ended up with a quality guy