Boyfriend with Anger Problems

[melita13]

Hi everyone,

I've been in a relationship with a guy for about one year and a half now. He is 26 and I'm 24, we've been living together for around a year. Our relationship has its ups and downs like any other relationship. We both love each other a lot. The only problem we have right now is that he tends to get frustrated & angry a lot. Sometimes he gets angry at me and shouts at me and calls me names. I have tried a lot of different ways to deal with this problem, at first I used to ignore him, then I started to get angry also and shout back, and now I'm back to ignoring him, but it still hurts. He always apologises afterwards but we still end up having the same situation one week later.

I just would like to ask if anyone has been in the same situation and if you have some tips in dealing with this type of situation.

Thanks!

[Luis64]

Hello.

Well, I am a strong believer that once respect is gone it is extremely hard to get it back. Personally it is my opinion that you messed up by getting to his level as you gave away your chance to complain and let him know how you feel about being disrespected. My suggestion is DO NOT PLAY THAT GAME. Remember you don't fight fire with fire. Try to have a mature conversation with him and tell him how you feel. If he doesn't listen to you, keep in mind that as long as you're with him he will not respect you. Always keep in mind that in a relationship respect is EVERYTHING.

[melita13]

Hi Luis64,

Thanks for your answer. I agree with you perfectly, that's why I stopped behaving like him. But do you think that respect can be gained again? I have been thinking of leaving him to scare him into respecting me again, but the more I think about it the more it sounds like playing a childish game.

[basilandthyme]

I have tried a lot of different ways to deal with this problem, at first I used to ignore him, then I started to get angry also and shout back, and now I'm back to ignoring him, but it still hurts. He always apologises afterwards but we still end up having the same situation one week later.

Do you know why none of what you're doing is working? Because you have no control over his anger issues. You cannot change him or fix him or do anything else to make it better. Hon, do you realise that by looking for ways to modify your own behaviour, you're effectively taking the blame for his anger? His anger is HIS responsibility.

There's also another reason why he continues to treat you like this: it's because you let him!! He doesn't respect you because you don't respect yourself enough to get rid of him. If I were in your situation, I would have dumped him loooong ago.

You talk about moving out to scare him. Sure it will scare him and sure he'll promise change.....just like he's done every week before. He will not change. And the sooner you realise that this is unacceptable, the better.

[surfhb2]

Well I can tell you without hesitation that you have met the real him. This is hard wired into his personality. So you either accept it and learn how to deal with it ( I'll leave this to others who may answer) or you find someone who isn't like this.....there are many of us out there....billions in fact! .

Good luck!

[Luis64]

Well, I would not dare to say is impossible to gain respect back BUT you need to have in mind that he already knows he can get away with disrespecting you and no major consequences are going to be faced (I don't know if you understand what I mean by that). By you stating your grounds and how you feel, if he really cares for you he will think about it twice next time he says something he shouldn't say.

About leaving him, don't do it for scaring him. Leave him because you deserve better than that. I understand it is very hard to break up a relationship specially after you live with your partner. But take a minute to think about the future, what if later down the road you have a family with him, are you going to run away with your kids every time he calls you names? Remember calling you names and insulting you is just the beginning. Words can hurt more than the biggest punch you could possibly resist on your chest.

In addition, insults are just the beginning. Remember that every physical aggression begins with a bad word.

[melita13]

It feels such a shame to throw away all that we have built with each other! Basilandtyme, you are right, he keeps on doing it because I let him. I have been hoping that he will change, but it has been going on for almost half a year now. Maybe I will set an ultimatum for myself, and once he crosses it I will leave him. But it is always easier said than done!

[melita13]

Thank you all for your replies. You have confirmed what I have been thinking and helped me prove that I am sane Thank you for your help and best wishes for the coming holidays!

[basilandthyme]

It feels such a shame to throw away all that we have built with each other! Basilandtyme, you are right, he keeps on doing it because I let him. I have been hoping that he will change, but it has been going on for almost half a year now. Maybe I will set an ultimatum for myself, and once he crosses it I will leave him. But it is always easier said than done!

All that you've built with each other? You're talking about him calling you names and not respecting you.....nothing strong can be built upon such weak foundations.

Even if you don't leave immediately, start making plans to do so. Does your family know how he treats you? What about your friends? I bet they'd give you 100% support and backing to leave him. And leaving him will become easier when you truly start to believe that you should not be accepting this in your life.

[Boisdevie]

The guy is a cunt. He's treating you like crap. Is that worth saving? I think you deserve better than that.

[maryinlf]

He is mean, I think, so bad.

[surfhb2]

And a year and a half being 24 is hardly "all we've built together"

In the grand scheme of life that is.

[DalM0m]

Anger is an emotion. People get angry. That part is OK.

Calling you names is the problem. Ask him to stop doing that. Hopefully once you make him aware of the issue, he'll stop.

[melita13]

basilandthyme - my family doesn't know about this. I do not like to discuss my private affairs with my family. I have talked about this with my best friend, but I have only mentioned that it happened on two different occassions. I'm sure that everyone would support me in my decision.

surfhb2 - I know that for you it may sound like nothing, but we have emigrated to a different country together, and we both have done a lot for each other. He came to my country so that I would be able to finish my university degree, and he has been working an inferior job to support us. I helped him get out of a bad phase in the start of our relationship. Its a shame that all the sacrifices we made for each other ended up like this. But it is getting worse as the days go by. I think I agree with you that I cannot stick around for more. I though this could be solved by therapy, but it seems as though it can't.

Thanks for all of your input.

[HeartIsAching]

Well I can tell you without hesitation that you have met the real him. This is hard wired into his personality. So you either accept it and learn how to deal with it ( I'll leave this to others who may answer) or you find someone who isn't like this.....there are many of us out there....billions in fact! .

Good luck!

Actually... it's NOT hard-wired into his personality. It's entirely fix-able... through therapy. Unfortunately, he has to want it for himself, and that's not going to happen, particularly if his behavior keeps on getting him what he wants, which is partly what BnT was alluding to.