What do you do when you fall for a close friend?

[NightOwl]

So I'm starting to fall really hard for one of my female friends that I've known for several years. We've been really good friends and we hangout pretty often. She would always ask me when's the next time we're hanging out and I would normally play it cool and tell her I don't know. I know this may sound like there could be something there but I think this is one of her mix signals and I will explain in a bit. Initially, I saw her just as a friend and that's about it but within the past year, I started liking her more and more and now I feel like I'm just in this pit of lust for her. We get along very well and can talk for hours about the most random/intellectual things.

There are some complications to why I haven't made any moves yet and here are some (I'll try to make it short):

1. She comes from a very traditional Indian household and I come from a semi-traditional but yet somewhat liberal oriental family. Because of her family traditions, her parents want her to date and marry within her own nationality. This is one of the biggest reason stopping me.
2. No balls and when I build up the courage, she would always mention some guy.
3. Her signals are all over the damn place. We held hands a few times and would always be shoulder to shoulder. Because of this, people think we're actually dating. But... She would always mention/talk about the guy she went out on a date with a few nights before or a date that is coming up. This discouraged me even more from making a move.
4. She like to use "brah" with me but she would sometime mention "wishing to be able to date whoever she wants".
5. I thought she might felt something for me but over the summer, she had to work on the west coast for a few months so I didn't really get to see her for a period of time. While she was over there, she met a guy (Indian) and they started dating. I didn't find out till she got back because she told me. Their relationship didn't last so they ended up breaking up (in Sept) and I being the "nice"/dumbass friend who console while she was feeling depress.
6. So skip to yesterday. We went to NYC to see all the Xmas attractions and we had a good time. However, on the train ride home, I noticed she was texting quite a bit. I then saw the name and it was her ex from cali. I didn't know she was still keeping in contact with hiim and I guess this kind of explain why she hasn't been texting much like before.

There are a lot more that happened in between but this is long as is so I'll stop here. I think she's talking to her ex again and I don't know what to do. We were friends first before I started liking her and it would really suck to lose someone like her whether we're just friends or dating. At this point, I am planning to hangout with her for xmas and then make up some BS where I won't be able to see her or talk to her for a while. This way, hopefully any feeling for her will diminish and we can go back to being friends (if that's even possible).

What do you guys think? Any suggestions? If you need more details, let me know.

[searock]

It's not possible for you to go back to being just friends (i.e. for you to keep hanging out with her without feeling pain due to your feelings for her).

I think you should tell her how you feel. Well, don't tell her you are in love with her or anything that extreme, just tell her that you have a crush on her... that you have feelings for her that are more than just "friend" feelings. She has a right to know and you have nothing to lose by being honest with her. Even if she doesn't feel the same way, at least you will have tried.

If you decide not to tell her (or if you tell her and she doesn't feel the same way), then I suggest you stop hanging out with her. Otherwise, you will never get over her and you will never be able to move on.

Dunno if this makes a difference, but my advice comes from experience: I too fell for my best friend (whom I only saw as a friend at the beginning) and I eventually confessed my feelings - even if we were both taken at the time, which made the whole situation very difficult. We are now in a long-term relationship, and we are as happy as ever :-).

[hatesthis]

This will hurt you so bad if you find out for her you will only ever be just her friend, feeling love for someone who won't feel it for you is a kind of special place in hell to be, is very painful and will only cause you heartache.

I think her texting her ex while out on a trip with you is all you need to know on how she feels, she isn't romantically interested in you, as much as she might be in getting her ex's attention. Sorry.

[NightOwl]

It's not possible for you to go back to being just friends (i.e. for you to keep hanging out with her without feeling pain due to your feelings for her).

I think you should tell her how you feel. Well, don't tell her you are in love with her or anything that extreme, just tell her that you have a crush on her... that you have feelings for her that are more than just "friend" feelings. She has a right to know and you have nothing to lose by being honest with her. Even if she doesn't feel the same way, at least you will have tried.

If you decide not to tell her (or if you tell her and she doesn't feel the same way), then I suggest you stop hanging out with her. Otherwise, you will never get over her and you will never be able to move on.

Dunno if this makes a difference, but my advice comes from experience: I too fell for my best friend (whom I only saw as a friend at the beginning) and I eventually confessed my feelings - even if we were both taken at the time, which made the whole situation very difficult. We are now in a long-term relationship, and we are as happy as ever :-).

Thanks for your advice and congratulation that things worked out for you. You're right, maybe I should tell her. Not all because of the possibility, but more because I need to know. I just hope I can build up the courage to do it and not take the bitch route. I now just need to find a time to tell and how figure out how to execute this. Any advice? What did you feel right before you told her and what was her response? Sorry for being so nosy.

If I say in straight forward answer then she is just using you or just putting you in spare for her. May be you will not like my answer but I think its true. So I would like to suggest you that just keep your friendship in limit with her and do not expect too much things from her which will not make you depress. And do that things which you like the most like pass you time with your other friends as well listen songs and all.

These type of response doesn't bother me and I appreciate the honesty. I did limit myself from her and do other things to keep myself occupied. The feeling tends to go away pretty quick because I force it to and reason myself to do so. However, whenever I think its all gone, we would hangout again and it slowly return. At this point, I think searock is right about not being able to go back as being friend. I'm just not so sure on what to do because of this.

This will hurt you so bad if you find out for her you will only ever be just her friend, feeling love for someone who won't feel it for you is a kind of special place in hell to be, is very painful and will only cause you heartache.

I think her texting her ex while out on a trip with you is all you need to know on how she feels, she isn't romantically interested in you, as much as she might be in getting her ex's attention. Sorry.

You're right and I am in this pit of hell right now. I'm not sure why I didn't put 2 and 2 together. I guess maybe I was sticking around for the hope that it may work and there's something there. Thanks so much for your input.

Since you're a female, what do you recommend me doing? And if this were/did happen to you, how would you or how would you want the other person to tell you? Or would you not want to know at all?

sorry for all these questions. I am always curious to hear the female perspective of things.

[searock]

I did limit myself from her and do other things to keep myself occupied. The feeling tends to go away pretty quick because I force it to and reason myself to do so. However, whenever I think its all gone, we would hangout again and it slowly return.

Ohh yes, I know the feeling. There would be long-ish periods of time (like a couple of weeks) in which I would force myself to not contact him or hang out with him, I kept myself occupied and just when I started to think "hey, maybe it's all gone now", I would see him again (we had to see each other because of external reasons) and look into his eyes and he would look into my eyes and whoosh, all the feelings would come rushing back.

That's why I say that it's impossible for you to keep "being friends", truth is you will never be able to be "friends" with this girl again... you have strong feelings for her and there's no going back, you can only go forward. The only question is, which road will you take (or have to take)? In one case you tell her your feelings and she reciprocates, therefore you start dating and you move on from there. In the other case, you tell her your feelings and she doesn't reciprocate, in which case you are going to have to be strong and determined and go completely no contact. It will take time and self control, but eventually you will get over her.

In either case I think you should tell her about your feelings (although as I said, use the lighter term "crush").

You're right, maybe I should tell her. Not all because of the possibility, but more because I need to know. I just hope I can build up the courage to do it and not take the bitch route. I now just need to find a time to tell and how figure out how to execute this. Any advice? What did you feel right before you told her and what was her response?

Well, it took me a long time (about 6 months) to gather up the courage to confess my feelings to him. As I said, a lot of that hesitation was due to the fact that we were both taken, otherwise I would have probably told him sooner (even though I still would have been pretty terrified XD). What finally made me do it was the fact that even though I had waited for such a long time, the feelings were still not going away. Also, the fact that we were best friends, and I thought it was dishonest of me not to tell him such an important part of my life at that moment. It just felt wrong to lie to him every day.

I did NOT tell him with the intention of having anything happen between us: I knew that he was in a serious relationship and I absolutely did not expect anything to happen between us. I just wanted to tell him to take the weight off my chest, to stop lying to him and to be able to say to myself that "at least I tried".

As for how I told him and especially his reaction, I apologize for the long story in advance.

At the time we would see each other pretty much every day and we would also text and chat a lot (in hindsight, of course, these were very telling signs that our relationship was not of simple friendship, even though at the beginning we both didn't know it). So one late afternoon we were chatting online as usual, and I just told him I had a crush on him. He was very surprised, he actually thought I was joking for a few hours, that's how long it took for him to believe me. He didn't say much that night apart that he was shocked and sorry and that he respected me for having the guts to tell him. I was heartbroken but not at all surprised, it was exactly what I had been expecting (a soft rejection). This is why the next day I was completely flabbergasted (as was he): he told me that he totally didn't expect it but he realized that he "could not stop thinking about it, and not just in a negative way"... which was his contorted way of saying that he actually realized he had feelings for me too. He just had never realized it before because he didn't even fathom the possibility (that's how naive we were).

Well, from that day, a long "limbo" began, in which he would oscillate between periods of "I don't want to break up with my girlfriend" (his high school sweetheart) and periods of "I really want to be with you, if only we could be together". This went on for months. Yes: we were both emotionally cheating on our partners with each other. Eventually I found the strength to break up with my boyfriend, and after about a month he took a "pause" from his relationship (which had been de facto over for months already, due to the long distance) and we started dating. Some time later he finally convinced his girlfriend to meet him (that's how close she was to him... she wouldn't even agree to meet him, nor talk on the phone, even though they had to go months without seeing each other. Clearly their relationship was doomed as soon as the long-distance began) and was able to break up in person with her. We kept dating and after he took the steps he needed to get over the idea that he would have grown old with his high school sweetheart (such idea was a tough one to get rid of, since he had put his heart and soul into that relationship with all the abandon and passion as only a lovestruck teenager can), we were able to make our relationship official and to be happy together :-).

Telling him was one of the best decisions of my life and even if it had gone "wrong" (i.e. if he had rejected me), I would not have regretted telling him one bit. On the other hand, I know that I would have never forgiven myself if I had not told him.

Even if she rejects you, don't worry: it will be tough in the beginning, but you will be able to pull yourself back up eventually - and you'll be stronger than before :-).

[searock]

Since you're a female, what do you recommend me doing? And if this were/did happen to you, how would you or how would you want the other person to tell you? Or would you not want to know at all?

Hm, I also had a guy that I thought was "just a friend" confessing his feelings for me. Even though I had to reject him (I was not interested in him AND I was seeing someone else), I'm still glad that he told me. We don't hang out or keep in contact anymore because it would hurt him too much to be around me and I would feel very uncomfortable as well, knowing that my very presence is hurting a person that I care about, but things could not have gone differently. If he had continued to pretend like everything was normal, like he didn't have feelings for me, I would have realized that something was wrong anyway sooner or later, and anyway our friendship would not have been a sincere one: he would have been lying to me every single time we saw or contacted each other. So even though him telling me changed our relationship irrevocably, I'm glad he was honest with me.

[NightOwl]

Thanks for the insight and story searock. I really do want to let her know but I'm sitting here thinking about all the reasons I should and all the reasons I shouldn't and one particular reason is really holding me back. And that reason is due to her family. She loves and respect her family too much to disobey them. In addition I don't want to start something that may become serious (i know i'm thinking too far ahead) but in the end it doesn't work out due to her parents. I really also don't want to lose this friendship since we get along so well and practically do everything together. But at the same time, I know if she do start dating, I will just slowly drift away from her.

Argggg... what to do?!?!

[HeartIsAching]

What've you got to lose? You'll never get the friendship back the way it was, so you can't lose that... You have nothing to lose and everything to gain. Go for it.

[hatesthis]

You're right and I am in this pit of hell right now. I'm not sure why I didn't put 2 and 2 together. I guess maybe I was sticking around for the hope that it may work and there's something there. Thanks so much for your input.

Since you're a female, what do you recommend me doing? And if this were/did happen to you, how would you or how would you want the other person to tell you? Or would you not want to know at all?

sorry for all these questions. I am always curious to hear the female perspective of things.

You never know how she feels unless you directly confront her, just make sure it is in your best interest to do so, and do it privately, her place, your place, on a walk or drive together, not surrounded by lots of other people, and friends because it is a private talk and you want privacy for both of you. I think before you do anything prepare yourself that you might not get the same feelings back and don't let her see too much disappointment on your face if possible, smile and say okay, you are still friends after all. If I was her, I would already be able to tell you felt more and would rather you confess it and air things in the open they hide it and you feel miserable not being able to express your feelings to me. If you were a good close friend I would still remain friends with you, I don't throw people away ever. But is more about can you still be friends knowing you loved her. Honesty is always the best route to go. Good luck.

[searock]

What've you got to lose? You'll never get the friendship back the way it was, so you can't lose that... You have nothing to lose and everything to gain. Go for it.

This. You have absolutely nothing to lose: right now you are lying to the person you consider to be your best friend, and you are hurting every day. It isn't such a great thing to lose, is it? If you tell her, no matter what happens you will be better off than you are right now. If she feels the same way obviously it will be a good thing for you, and if she doesn't feel the same way you will finally be able to get closure and move on. It's a win-win whatever happens.

Stop suffering in silence and go for it :-).